Friday, February 4, 2011

Mets Announce 50 Hour "Save The Wilpons" Telethon To Air On SNY

While the Mets search for strategic partners continues, the team is partnering with SNY to air a telethon that may be the answer to ownership's money problems.  This morning, The Apple received the following press release from the team:

You were there when Katrina hit, the hurricane in Haiti, and when that tsunami made land somewhere over in Asia. But now one of the greatest man-made disasters is calling you out to give generously once again.

Announcing the 50 hour SNY telethon to re-enrich Sterling Equities, the owners of the New York Mets. The event will start on April 1st (apropos, no?) at the end of spring training.

The story is well known by now. How Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, and their partner Saul Katz invested hundreds of millions of dollars with that scallywag Bernie Madoff.  Because the three took more money out of his ponzi scheme than they put in, they are now being sued for an amount in the hundreds of millions of dollars. If the suit is successful the three will seriously have to consider selling all or part of the Mets. It could even get to the point that the three might have to start living like regular people instead of continuing to be filthy rich.

This can not stand.

The telethon, 50 hours to represent one hour for each of the Mets' 50 seasons, will be co-hosted by two beloved Jerrys. Jerry Lewis, incredibly old comedian/American institution who is to telethonning what Dick Clark is to New Years, has agreed to stay awake and host the first three or four hours. Then his co-host, famous Mets fan, Jerry Seinfeld will anchor the rest of the coverage.

The goal will be donations adding to $200 Million. Yes, it might take this much to keep the Mets from becoming Pittsburgh Pirates east.

Entertainment is still being lined up at this time but here are some of the things we know:

1- When the donations hit the magic $18 million mark General Manager Sandy Alderson will bring Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo on stage. Perez will be given a check for $12 million, Castillo for $6 mill and they'll both be formally handed their unconditional release. Whether that will be followed by burning in effigy or tarring-and-feathering is still to be decided.

2- The usual assortment of American Idol losers will perform sprinkled throughout the program.

3- For the first time ever, The Salvation Army has agreed to deploy all its bell-ringers outside local malls and Wal-Marts at a time other than the holiday season. Their traditional red buckets will be replaced by mini-replicas of the Citi Field Home Run Apple.

4- At the 15 hour mark, corresponding to the 1977 season, Tom Seaver will appear with a yet to be determined relative of the late Dick Young. Mr. or Ms. Young will apologize for their relative's running "The Franchise" out of town. The emotional tide should keep the donations flowing in.

5- At some point Ralph Kiner will be brought out to tell his classic stories of Choo-Choo Coleman on early Kiners Corner shows and to once again tell us how hard it was to face Ewell Blackwell. Yes, we've heard those tales dozens of times but it's always so fresh when Ralph tells them again.

6- And while monetarily this is not a gift, Mike Francesa has agreed to a 50 hour moratorium on saying snarky things about the Mets. You might think this is nothing significant but consider that the last time he went this long without bashing the team it had just hired Willie Randolph as manager.

Stay with The Apple as we continue to bring you updates concerning the Save The Wilpons Telethon 2011.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

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