Mets Deny Shortage of Funds But Will Begin Charging For Press Conferences

On Friday morning, with the trade deadline less than 24 hours away, Mets General Manager Omar Minaya held a press conference.   The purpose?  To emphatically refute the charges that the team is short on cash.  Additionally, in a move the Mets swear is unrelated, reporters entering the press room were dismayed to learn that starting with this one, all conferences would now require a paid admission. 

With Jeff Wilpon at his side, Minaya announced that the club has decided to create three levels of press conferences.  The GOLD level, carrying a charge of $34.95 per reporter, was for major announcements like trades, firings, and free agent signings.  The SILVER level, which Friday's presser was categorized as, would be $24.95 and would be for less important news.   The BRONZE level, the most common and mundane type would be $14.95 for entry. This level includes the daily announcement as to which players are injured, not on the DL, yet totally unavailable to play. It would also include manager Manuel's pronouncements that it's early and there is still time to turn things around.

The team made it clear that it preferred that the reporters pay at the door in cash but in order to facilitate entry there would be an E-Z Pass lane for those who opt to bring in their tags with them.

Apple reporter Larry Smith attended but it was difficult for him to hear everything Omar was saying over the noise of the vendors hawking cold beer and peanuts.  Apparently the team also has a new deal in place with Aramark which makes them the official concessions provider at all press events.

In essence, Minaya made it clear that ownership will allow him to increase payroll as needed. When asked whether the team had plans to release the seemingly useless Oliver Perez, Omar stated emphatically that Ollie does have a role on the team.  Being the pitcher for the 15th inning of games.  He pointed out that the Cardinals end up using position players when their games get real long but that Jerry Manuel has it always planned out to have Ollie ready to go when the games get very very long.  A reverse closer of sorts.

The conference broke up after 20 minutes when it was announced that all further questions would be charged for at the rate of $5 per question.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina.

Gooden To Start On Sunday Vs. Diamondbacks - Takahashi To Bullpen

Dwight Gooden is feeling a little confused these days.  On Wednesday night the 45 year-old ex-Met signed what he thought was a one day contract being offered by the Mets so that he could retire as a member of the team he spent his best years with.  Perhaps Doc should have read his contract a little more closely.  At the request of Jerry Manuel, the contract was actually a 100 day contract that would add Gooden to the Mets rotation for the duration of the 2010 season. 

Jerry Manuel is hoping that what started out as a symbolic gesture by the Mets front office will end up benefiting him on the field.   "The guy is a former Cy Young Award winner.  I don't see how that can hurt us.", said Manuel.  "Plus we get to have Takahashi back in the pen full time."

Early this morning, a confused Gooden was taken to Citi Field for a photo shoot.  "Are they serious?", Gooden asked the Apple.  "I'm an old man.  I'm not even in good shape for a 45 year old.  I'm tired.  I just want to go home.  Also, why does Shea look so different?"

While the Mets will pay Gooden the league minimum, the contract includes stiff penalties should Gooden walk away.   In essence, Gooden is trapped.

Omar Minaya seemed pleased with the move.  "We saw a chance to add a Cy Young Award winner and not add payroll.  We had to pull the trigger.", said Minaya.  "Even at 45, Doc can still beat you in so many ways.  I haven't actually seen him throw, but I assume he's kept in game shape."

Gooden will start on Sunday vs. Barry Enright and the D-Backs.  Tickets are still available by calling 718-507-TIXX.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Based on an idea by Larry Smith.

Citi Field Food Slightly Less Dirty Than Crosstown Rival - Ownership Thrilled

Fred Wilpon picked up the phone this morning and called his rival across town.  "Well Hank, I think we officially know who has the better ballpark now."  Steinbrenner grumbled something incoherent and hung up on the Mets owner.

So why all the hubbub?  According to a report on ESPN, Citi Field narrowly edged out Yankee Stadium for least amount of health violations.  In the report, 45% OF Citi Field's vendors were found in violation while across town 48% of Yankee Stadium vendors were caught riding dirty.  Three percent may not seem like much, but in a time when Mets ownership is under fire the Wilpons will take any victory they can get. 

Many of the violation are in fact minor ones but there were some noticeable problems at both parks.  Mama's of Corona at Citi Field was fined for allowing Cow Bell Man to bathe himself in the slop sink while in the Bronx a customer found a handgun in their Garlic Fries.

To put the whole thing into perspective, the dirtiest food in NY can be found at Madison Square Garden where 61% of vendors were found in violation.   The cleanest in the area was Nassau Coliseum at 0% but we are going to give it to The Rock in Newark (6%) because the only reason Nassau got a 0% was because no one, not even a health inspector, wants to go to Nassau Coliseum.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Read the real ESPN report here if you dare.

Free Baseball Cards Tonight At Citi Field

The Apple will be handing out free 2010 Topps Series 1& 2 baseball cards near "The Apple" at Citi Field starting around 4PM while supplies last.  Please stop by and say hello and pick up a free pack of cards.   Unlike everything else you read on the Apple, this is no joke.

National Weather Service Issues Douchebag Storm Warning For Flushing

If you are heading out to Citi Field tonight you may want to prepare yourself.  This morning, the National Weather Service issued a Douchebag Storm Warning for the Citi Field Area tonight between the hours of 4PM - 10PM.  Weather expert Brick Tamland explains what we can expect.

"This storm is actually a larger version of the a-hole storms we see here throughout the summer every year.  You'll get the occasional shower of boos and derisiveness but those usually come and go.  This is something different.  Something of this magnitude hasn't been seen since in this area since June of 2008.  Using the Francesa barometer, we could be looking at level 7 event on the Federline/Pratt scale!"

What can we expect you ask?

"If things keep up this way, this is going to get ugly.  You can expect, multiple acts of classlessness, vulgarity, scapegoating, conspiracy theories and general overreaction."

How do these storms form?

"They tend to build slowly among those overly invested in their team.  Then they hit the airwaves and enter into the talk radio jet stream.  This powerful current boosts the system and before you know it, seemingly ordinary people get sucked up into the D-Bag vortex."

Is there any way to stop it?

"The only thing that can slow down a storm of this magnitude is a firing, any firing.  Those seem to help.  Generally, the larger the firing the more calming the effect.  We had been watching this system closely since Sunday and hoping there would be a firing to calm things, but when Monday passed we knew we had to issue a warning."

Who is most at risk?

"Families, children, the elderly & people who just want to enjoy a baseball game and not have their whole life depend on it.  These groups should avoid the Citi Field at all costs."

You've been warned.

Stay tuned to The Apple for continuing coverage of this breaking story.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Apple Placed Under Armed Guard After Disastrous Road Trip

On Monday, members of the NYPD and U.S. Armed Forces gathered in front of Citi Field to discuss security.  But this was no terrorist threat or Presidential visit.  For the near future, they are here to protect "The Apple". 

When we say "The Apple" we don't mean this crappy blog but the actual Home Run Apple from which it got it's name.  Apparently, after the debacle on the West Coast, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg contacted Mets management about protecting one of NYC's newest landmarks and cherished symbol of Mets fanhood.

Apparently, Hizzoner had become concerned after listening to some sports talk radio this weekend.  He explained his fear as he addressed the gathering of security forces this morning.  "The Apple is a cherished piece of many New Yorkers lives.", said Bloomberg.   "Right now there is a lot of anger out there.  Mets fans are not thinking clearly and are capable of anything.  Our job is going to be to protect them from themselves and prevent them from doing something they may later regret."

The Apple will remain under guard until further notice.  So far there has been only one incident when a popular NY sports radio host tried to eat it.  The man was taken into custody and the Apple was not harmed.  Officers confiscated his bottle of Diet Coke.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Manuel Plans To Release Book After His Mets Career Ends

Jerry Manuel is on the hot seat and he knows it.  It’s no secret that the Mets manager has fallen out of favor with the fans.  Some would argue he was never in their favor to begin with.  With the writing on the wall, Manuel has quietly started planning his next moves for life after the Mets. Part of these plans includes a book which Manuel hopes will help future managers learn and utilize his unique style.

Traveling with the team, The Apple’s Larry Smith was given a sneak peak at Manuel’s book. Actually he broke into Jerry’s hotel room but let’s not split hairs.  Regardless of how we obtained them, The Apple is pleased to present excerpts from The Baseball Manuel by Jerry Manuel. 

CHAPTER ONE - LINEUP PREPARATION
If someone is injured or needs a day off, his replacement must bat in the same slot in the order regardless of his skill or lack thereof.

CHAPTER TWO - WHEN PLATOONING IS REQUIRED AND WHEN TO IGNORE IT
When you are selecting a pinch-hitter it is required that you put up a lefty batter to face a righty pitcher and vice versa.  This is crucial and don't be swayed by the results these batters have had against each other in the past or if one batter is dramatically better than the other.

CHAPTER THREE - USE OF YOUR CLOSER
You must ALWAYS use your closer in all save situations.  Do not be swayed by the quality or the handedness of the batters coming up.  And do not be fooled by the results that your pitchers had in innings 7 or 8.  The 9th is totally different.  Only your closer can handle the 9th.  He should be able to handle any one or two run lead you hand him. 

CHAPTER FOUR - PADDING A LEAD
It is poor sportsmanship to try to add to a lead in the late innings.  All pinch-hitting is banned unless you are batting for the pitcher in preparation of bringing in your closer. (See Chapter 3)

If, despite this admonition, you attempt to pad your lead be careful to employ only one run strategies.  Be prepared to sacrifice as many outs as possible so as to score no more than one run. (See Chapter 5)

CHAPTER FIVE - BUNTING WITH POSITION PLAYERS
Any player who does not average 20 or more homeruns in a season is a candidate to be asked to sacrifice.  Do not be swayed by their established inability to successfully bunt.

You have 27 outs at your disposal.  That's plenty.  Don't be afraid to give several of them away in an attempt to move a runner into scoring position.

The bunt, freely giving up an out, is a far better strategy to employ than having a good base stealer try to swipe a bag.

CHAPTER SIX - DEPLOYMENT OF INJURED PLAYERS
If a player is injured but not on your disabled list you should not use him in a game under any circumstances.  Even if his injury is to an upper extremity such as a finger, do not use this individual. Not even to pinch run.

CHAPTER SEVEN - MAKING THE MOST OF YOUR BULLPEN
At any one time some of your relief pitchers will be throwing well while others will not be.  It is crucial that you only utilize the ones who are pitching effectively and pitch them at every opportunity.  Occasionally this will result in their joining the group of pitchers who are not pitching well.  When this occurs you may totally ignore them and try to find someone else to ride.  Rinse and Repeat.

The Baseball Manuel, which also features a profanity laced foreword by Ozzie Guillen, is currently scheduled to hit store shelves on October 4th, but reports say the release date could be pushed up at a moments notice.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. The Baseball Manuel written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina.

Chase Field Blues: Transcript Of The Mets Arizona Team Meeting

Today The Apple has gotten our hands on the transcript of the Mets team meeting in Arizona.

Disclaimer: If you were born after the 70's and have never seen Hill Street Blues a lot of this may not make sense.  

3:30 PM ROLL CALL

Jerry Manuel:  Alright guys settle down.  I want to get through this quickly so we can get on with the day.   First order of business, as you’ve probably heard, Alex got mad at some reporters yesterday.  Fortunately they were newspaper reporters, so no one really cared anyway.

(Jerry Laughs. No One Else Does)

Jerry:  Moving on, Oliver is going to be back with the team today so let’s make sure and give him a nice welcome.

Jeff Francouer:  What beard is he sporting?

Jerry: It’s not 100%, but early indications are he’s going with some kind of Fidel Castro look.   

As for tonight’s catcher, it’s going to be Rod tonight.  We had wanted to go with Henry tonight but he is currently being questioned by Phoenix police for the third time today, so it’s gonna be Rod.

Jason Bay: My last check bounced? 

(Grumbles of agreement from the group)

Jerry:  Apparently there has been an issue with funds to pay you guys.  Accounting is working on it but they are releasing the funds in order of performance so it may be a while for you Jason.

(Jerry Laughs, No One Else Does)

Jerry:  Also, in case you haven’t heard, Mr. Wilpon recently got screwed in another bad business deal so we’re gonna be passing the hat around the clubhouse later.  I strongly urge you to give what you can.  Every penny helps.

Josh Thole: What about the deadline?

Jerry: I know it’s on your mind guys, but I wouldn’t worry.  As of right now the team has received no offers for any of you.  Not even a phone call.  You’re all gonna be Mets for a long time.

(Crowd groans)

Jerry:  As for the incident in San Francisco involving Mr. Hernandez stumbling from room to room at the team hotel calling you losers, we are handling that internally.  Just try to remember that Keith is kind of a big deal around this club so we have to tread lightly, but do file a report with your union rep if you were one of his targets.

Last thing guys, with regards to bunting…

(Loud groan from group)

Jerry:  Yeah yeah, I know how you guys feel but this is important so I want all of you to work on it.  We’re going to be bunting with 2 outs now and also with the bases loaded to stay out of triple plays.

(More groaning and an unidentified voice shouts out “You suck!”)

Jerry: Ok. Ok. That’s enough of that.  Let’s get out there.  I’ll see you on the field.   Oh, and guys…let’s be careful out there.

(Cue The Music)

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

John Sterling Becomes Latest To Apologize For Insensitive Comments

It's been a tough week for talking heads in the sports world.  First Tim McCarver apologized for claiming the Yankees gave Joe Torre the Nazi treatment, then Dwayne Wade had to  have his foot surgically removed from his mouth after bringing 9-11 to South Beach.  Well now you can add John Sterling to the list.

On Tuesday afternoon, the Yankees "broadcaster" met with a small group of media to issue an apology for his over-enthusiastic "A-Bomb from A-rod" home run celebration call.  Sterling has come under fire from many Japanese-American groups for what is deemed as insensitivity towards the victims of the bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Holding up a sign which read "I'm Sorry" in Japanese, Sterling spoke to the crowd. "I tend to get very excited in the booth and I just go with the first thing I can think of.", Sterling told group  "It's easy to forget that over 100,000 people have lost their lives because of the A-Bomb.  I think in the future I have to be more careful and I am very sorry to those I have offended."

This is not the first time Sterling has come under fire.  Earlier this year the announcer was named as the defendant in a class action lawsuit filed by a concerned group of baseball fans.  The suit, which was eventually dismissed, alleged that fans were getting into car accidents because they were concentrating too hard on the radio trying to decipher what the heck was going on in the Yankee game.

The Apple caught up with Hideki Matsui, who was in town with the Angels, and asked what he thought of John Sterling's comments.  Speaking through an interpreter, Matsui said, "Who is John Sterling?"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Believes He Can Cure Pelfrey...Using Inception

If you are a regular reader of the Apple you already know that we are the only news outlet covering Omar Minaya's ongoing battle with reality.  Well, he's at it again.

Apparently, the Mets GM watched another "documentary" this weekend and believes he has found the answer for his troubled righty.  Minaya explained his plan to The Apple in a phone conversation early Tuesday morning.

"This Cobb guy can beat you in so many ways.  He is the best at what he does.", said Minaya, speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio's character.  "We intend to hire this Cobb guy and get into Mike's head and eliminate the problem by instilling self confidence at the deepest level."

For those of you who are new to the Apple you should know that we are under a gag order from the Mets to never correct Minaya, though we have to admit that we would sign up for this plan in a heartbeat if it was actually possible.

If the plan succeeds, the Mets GM suspects that Pelfrey's pitching problems will melt away.  But, the plan is not without risk.

"Anytime you change things in the brain you have to be careful.", Minaya explained.  "He could wake up and not remember how to pitch at all.  I think that is what happened with Maine.  Also there is a small chance that we could all become trapped in limbo forever."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Three Mets Taken Into Custody At Arizona Airport

Several Mets players got a first hand look at Arizona's controversially strict immigration laws today when the team arrived in Arizona.  Upon arrival at Sky Harbor Airport, Mexican players Rod Barajas and Oliver Perez were taken into custody along with suspected Mexican Henry Blanco.

"It happened so fast.", said Mets 3rd Baseman David Wright. "We were getting ready to get our bags and then we got swarmed.  Next thing you know they got Ollie, Hank and Rod."

The move didn't exactly catch all the Mets by surprise.  The Mets had sent Johan Santana directly to L.A. to avoid this trip while some other Latino ballplayers such as Alex Cora and Frankie Rodriguez were smuggled into Arizona inside equipment bags.

The players taken into custody were quickly released with the exception of Perez who, at the request of the Mets, was kept for additional screening.  Arizona immigration officials insist they have done nothing wrong.

The players involved have different opinions of the situation.  Barajas, an outspoken critic of the law, was outraged and sees this as another example of why change is necessary.  Blanco, however, is used to this and offers a different opinion.  "When you look like me, you get used to being stopped.  I get stopped everywhere.", the Venezuelan catcher told the Apple.  "I once got frisked in the dugout at Citi Field by stadium security...in the middle of an inning."  Blanco was stopped for questioning 3 more times on the way to the team hotel.  

Oliver Perez however had the most interesting take on the whole thing.

"The coffee in the interrogation room was free.  So that was nice.", said Perez.  "But mostly, it's just nice to be wanted...by anybody."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Marketing Department Contacts The Apple

A few days ago, we ran a piece about the All-Star game.  You may have seen our version of the 2013 logo on Metsblog.com.  Well, apparently the Mets marketing department must have seen it because on Friday night, we received this email:

Dear "The Apple",

Thank you for your interest in the proposed 2013 All-Star game.  We are excited to see how excited the fans are for this event.  However we need to ask that you make one correction to your article.  The logo you "created" for the event is not the proper logo approved by the New York Mets organization.  We are attaching a .pdf file of the proper logo so that you may share it with your readers.  Thank you for all your support and remember, better seats at lower prices are still available.

Sincerely,

Casey Johnson

NY Mets Marketing Dept.

Here is the file they attached:

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Thanks to Won Huh for creating the logo.

Investigative Report: Mets Approached Pagan About Oblique Transplant

The Apple's investigative reporter Larry Smith has done it again.  Always lurking in the shadows of the Mets clubhouse, Smith has uncovered a plot so sinister, it will change the way you think about how the Mets handle injuries.  Actually on second thought you are probably already pretty unhappy with how they handle injuries but that doesn't make this any less twisted.

In a taped phone conversation which reportedly took place on Thursday afternoon, Mets management is heard asking Angel Pagan if he would consider an operation to swap oblique muscles with teammate Jose Reyes.  The Mets were apparently panicked because Jose had once again been scratched and the only other solution they had on the table was to call up a fourth catcher.

During the conversation, the Mets state that they feel that Pagan's oblique, which healed quickly when he injured it recently, is battle tested and more durable than that of Reyes and that there was a possibility that Pagan's body might actually speed up the healing process of Jose's balky oblique.  

Pagan was less receptive to the idea.  Noticeably upset, he can be heard shouting, "What the (expletive deleted), man? Are you (expletive deleted) kidding me?  You can't take my good muscle out!"

With Pagan seemingly out of the running as a donor the Mets will have to explore other ways of getting the oblique they want.  Reports that Omar Minaya was seen entering Nick Evans' hotel room last night with a bottle of chloroform and a cooler have not been confirmed.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Thanks to Larry Smith for risking life and limb to get the story.

The Apple's Predictions For The Second Half Of The 2010 Mets Season

To celebrate the return of Mets baseball, we at the Apple have decided to take a look into our crystal ball and see if we can get a glimpse of what the future holds for our beloved Mets.   So without further ado, we present:



10 PREDICTIONS FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE 2010 METS SEASON

10) The Mets Will Trade For Roy Oswalt.  Upon arrival, he will be demoted to the bullpen to free up a spot in the rotation for John Maine.

9) Oliver Perez will make his triumphant return to Citi Field…as a wiffle ball pitcher in Kiddie Field. He will be released in September after numerous complaints from the children about his wildness.

8) Nelson Figueroa will release a tell all book about the Mets. And just like everything else Figgy does, no will care.

7) While on the road, Fernando Nieve will take a late night cab ride to get Latin food.  Unfortunately, he will return unharmed.

6) The Mets will wear black armbands in September after Jerry Manuel finally kills one of his relievers by working them to death.

5) The flag waving attendants in the Citi Field parking lot will finally admit that they are useless.

4) Due to budget cuts by the MTA, the 7 Train will no longer stop at Willets Point.  The train will now only slow down enough to give Mets fans the opportunity to “jump for it”.

3) McFaddens Citi Field will introduce a new drink named after Mets outfielder Jason Bay.  The drink will not actually get you drunk but it will cost a fortune.

2) Just to piss off the Yankees, the Mets will announce they intend to “win it all” to honor George Steinbrenner. 

1) In order to afford to bring on extra salary.  Fred Wilpon will take on a second job...as a peanut vendor.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

To Get All-Star Game Mets Would Move Home Plate...To Second Base

It is no secret that Citi Field remains the favorite to host the 2013 All-Star Game.  However, the players union has one complaint that is keeping the MLB from finalizing it's plans: The HR Derby.  According to a source within the players union, the players are concerned about looking bad when they cannot clear Citi Field's fences in a hitting exhibition.

Today, the Mets, desperate for the added revenue of an All-Star week, have offered their solution.  Under their plan they would set up an auxiliary home plate at what is now second base and place a temporary mound in short center.  This move would only be for the derby and the ballpark would play as normally configured for the All-Star game. 

Players seem to embrace the idea.  A player who wished to remain anonymous explained.  "During a game you can say the pitcher made his pitch, but when you're batting against a coach lobbing softballs, you gotta be able to go yard.  I don't think we could do that in that park.", said the player whose name rhymes with Mayan coward.  "I get enough crap about my contract already.  I don't need that on top of it."

The league is also concerned that if players took on Citi Field at full size it might lead to the return of rampant steroid abuse.  They will review the Mets proposal today and make a ruling soon.  The Mets have also not ruled out moving the derby to nearby Kiddie Field though this would have to be cleared with the office of Mr. Met.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story based on an idea by Apple reader Larry Smith.

Frankie Rodriguez Uses Break To Launch New Ad Campaign

For Francisco Rodriguez, the All-Star break could not come at a better time.  Having appeared in 42 games and somehow warming up 134 times, the veteran reliever could use some time off.  But more importantly for Frankie, the All Star break provides an opportunity to work on closing some off the field business.

Today in New York City, K-Rod launched a new advertising campaign on city buses throughout the five boroughs.  As part of the deal Frankie becomes the face of Prevacid heartburn medication.  The ads feature a picture of the Mets closer along with the slogan "After I've Given You Heartburn, Try Prevacid 24".

Prevacid marketing representative John Wagner explains how the partnership came to be.  "We began to notice that there was a 150% spike in sales of Prevacid the day after Francisco appeared in a Mets game.", said Wagner.  "When he blew a save, sales went up 200%.  To put it simply, this guy is putting our kids through college."

Longtime Prevacid user Omar Minaya is thrilled with the campaign.  "I was really glad to see Frankie align himself with such a great product.", Minaya told the Apple.  "This stuff can beat heartburn in so many ways."

Look for K-Rod's advertisements to start appearing on city buses today.  The ad's are scheduled to run through October though if sales continue to increase, there are talks that the company would like to extend the campaign as well as set up a pavilion inside Citi Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Paul The Octopus Says Mets Will Take NL East In Second Half

Have no fear Mets fans.  Your beloved Amazin's will win the National League East in 2010.  It has been written.  The decision came late last night from over 4,000 miles across the Atlantic when Paul the Octopus said it would be so.

In case you've been under a sports rock for the last month, we will recap.  Caught up in World Cup fever, the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany decided to let their Octopus, named Paul, take a shot at predicting the outcome of the German squad's games.  Before a German game, the aquarium would lower two containers, each containing a treat, into Paul's tank.  One adorned with the German flag, the other with the opponent's flag.  The container Paul chose first would determine the outcome of the game.

Sounds harmless enough except that the cephalopod went undefeated for the whole tournament, even predicting a Spain victory in his only non-German prognostication.  The Octopus with a person's name has become a major tourist attraction during the World Cup. It only makes sense that the aquarium would want to keep this going so they decided to take a crack at American sports.

Yesterday, three containers were placed in his tank representing the three contending teams in the NL East.  Paul examined the three carefully before finally selecting the Mets as the team that will come out of the east.

When told of the prediction, Mets manager could only ask if this Paul Octopus guy was available to come out of the bullpen.  In Manuel's words, "I would take me a little longer to burn out eight arms as opposed to one.  That just might get us through the stretch run."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

The Apple Goes One On One With Brian Cashman

Since we are a fledgling news organization, the Apple doesn't get permission for many interviews.  So when the GM of the New York Yankees told us we could have a sit down at his office we jumped at the chance, even if it did mean sitting across the table from our bitter rival.   Just be warned, Cashman only agreed to the interview on the condition that we call him The Cash Man.  To be fair, he originally wanted to be called El Casho Grande but we were able to convince him how wrong that would be on so many levels.

The Apple: Mr. Cashman...err...I mean The Cash Man, tell our audience a little bit about what it is like to be the GM of the Yankees.

The Cash Man: It's just about the greatest job in the world.  Everyone should do it.  I sit here and spend other peoples money all day and make a huge salary doing it.  The perks are phenomenal too.  Healthcare, dental, 401K and twice a week Mike Francesa comes by and gives us all foot rubs.

TA: It looks like you are going to get Cliff Lee.  Congrats.  Are you worried that he may just be a rental player?

TCM:  Are you serious?  A rental?  We're the New York Yankees young man.  The way we see it, the other 29 teams are merely renting players from us.  We essentially have just decided to recall our rental agreement for Lee with the Mariners.

TA:  While a lot of Mets fans despise you, there are others that feel the Mets should try harder to emulate what you do.  How do you feel about this?

TCM: I say good luck.  While we share a common city, what I think a lot of Mets fans forget is just how many different sources of income we have.  People say oh they have a new stadium and a cable network so they should spend the same.  That's a good way to go broke if you ask me.  They don't realize the Yankees organization has tentacles branching out into everything from frozen deserts all the way down to deep space exploration.  Why just yesterday we found One-Eyed Willie's gold.  I pity any organization that tries to keep up with that.

TA: What do you think of the Lebron situation?

TCM: It was unfortunate.  We really thought we had a chance to sign him.

TA: What would you even do with him?  

TCM:  Who cares?  That's the manager's problem.  When you have our money we can sign anybody we want.  We could make him a peanut vendor for all I care.  It's really just about status.  You know like Jay Leno and his 500 cars.  He doesn't drive them all, he just wants you to know he can afford them.

TA: In that case, is there anyone else you have your eyes on?

TCM:  Here's where I'm going to throw your stupid little website a bone.  I'm happy to announce we've agreed in principle to a 6 year 70 million dollar contract with Russian hockey star Ilya Kovalchuk.  We're gonna make him a bullpen catcher or something.  Stick around, we're gonna do the whole press conference thing.

TA: Can anything stop you?


TCM: Nothing.  You just have to accept that we're better than you.  It doesn't even matter who "you" is because we are better than everyone.  Now unless you are interested in buying some seats "between the bases" please get out of my office.  Francesa is scheduled to be here in 5 minutes for my foot rub.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Reyes Spends Off Day Promoting New Book

Professor Jose Reyes used his off day this Thursday to promote his latest off-field project, a book on celebrations.  The book, titled Hugs, Handshakes & Histrionics: 101 Baseball Celebrations teaches baseball players both young and old the fine art of the celebratory handshake.  Containing over 100 different suggestions and examples, the book covers just about every way to celebrate any accomplishment no matter how small.

Thursday afternoon found Reyes at the Columbus Circle Borders in Manhattan signing copies of the book.  After the signing was over, the shortstop broke down the book for us.  "They told me to write what you know and I know celebrating.", said Reyes.  "It's all in the book.  From the David Wright man hug all the way to the Thole head pat."

The book, which retails for $14.99 is available at major bookstores throughout the Tri-State Area.  Reyes is already hard at work creating new celebrations for a follow up book next year.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Bonus Post: You Can't Catch Me "Bay" Thoughts

We decided to use our special photoshop filter which allows you to see what the subject of the photo was thinking about at that moment.  Now we understand why Bay missed the ball.  Two Words: Alternate Uniforms.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Johan Cut Bullpen Phone Prior To Last Night's Shutout

Johan Santana was brilliant last night.  After getting into and out of trouble in the first, Santana methodically worked his way through the Reds dangerous lineup en route to a complete game shutout.  For good measure, the Mets ace even provided his own run support when he belted his first career homer in the third. 

But this game will be memorable for a moment that happened in the ninth.  Following a Jason Bay miscue in left, Jerry Manuel came out to the mound.  The pair briefly exchanged words and Manuel return to the dugout.  Two batters later the game was over.  Many in the media have praised this moment as a player convincing his manager to let him finish what he started.  The Apple, however, knows the truth.

This photo, taken by Angel Pagan, shows Johan early yesterday sabotaging the bullpen phone.  Apparently, Pagan and Santana, with some coaxing from the Mets bullpen, thought it might be fun to take the pitching changes out of Jerry's hands for a night.  Which brings us to the now famous mound visit.

When Manuel went for the phone to summon his closer last night he was met with a dead phone dangling from a cut chord.  Furious he went to the mound and asked his ace what the heck was going on.  Johan responded (and MLB Video confirms this) "I (expletive) cut it.  This is my job."  Stunned, Manuel returned to the dugout.

The phone has been repaired for today's game but the word around the clubhouse is that the Mets relievers will present Johan with a new watch today to show their appreciation for the night off.  Jerry Manuel, not as amused, is having cell phones placed in the lockers of all his relievers.  They will be expected to carry them at all times during the game.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Unveil New "Heatwave" Alternate Uniform

The temperature at game time tonight is expected to be near triple digits.  All around New York City, people are being advised to drink a lot of water, conserve energy & stay indoors whenever possible.  Since the Mets players do not have these options, management has unveiled a new alternate uniform for the team to wear on these hot days.

Designed by a West Village based clothing designer who goes by the name of Synthetico, the uniform is meant to keep the players cool and, in the words of Synthetico, "fabulous".

Reaction so far has been mixed.  Skin tight shirt aficionado David Wright seemed to love the design while knuckle ball specialist R.A. Dickey had a different take.

"I'm not wearing that.", Dickey told The Apple.  "My name is already Dickey for Pete's sake.  If I put that thing on my kids will have to move to Guam."

While Dickey may not be pleased.  Mets marketing is thrilled.  The Mets have already enjoyed a boost in popularity in non-traditional baseball demographics.  Ticket sales among women and gay men have tripled since this morning's announcements.  Stubhub  is also reporting a boost in activity regarding tonight's game.  However that may be related to season ticket holders unloading their tickets at any cost.

If you want to see the Mets new uniforms in person, tickets are still available by calling 718-507-TIXX.  If you can't be at the game, there will be a viewing party at the Blue Oyster Bar.  Contact Carey Mahoney for directions.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Manuel Blames Outdated Rule Book For Unusual Style Of Managing

Jerry Manuel and the Mets had a major breakthrough during yesterdays post game press conference and the result just may change the way the Mets skipper uses his players for the rest of the season.  The moment came when Jerry was questioned by a reporter about how he was able to use nearly his entire bullpen in a game the Mets never really led by fewer than 4 runs. 

Jerry's answer?  "Yeah it was very unfortunate that I was unable to get Nieve into the game there.  I'm not sure how the league will handle that kind of thing.  We'll just have to wait and see."

When asked what in the world he was talking about Jerry pulled out a copy of the rule book and sited the everyone must play rule and how he regretted short changing Nieve.  The only problem?  Manuel was using a Little League rule book.

When a reporter pointed out the error, Jerry simply chuckled his Jerry chuckle and thanked the reporter for making his job easier.

Looking back now it makes perfect sense.   Ever wondered how Jerry could empty the bench in the 7th inning of a 1-1 game.  Now you know.  Jerry is not a bad manager, he is simply getting all his players into the game to make it fair and avoid any problems with the player's parents.  Way to go Jerry!

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Happy Independence Day From The Apple

Strasburg To Be Inducted Into Baseball Hall Of Fame

Stephen Strasburg is the greatest pitcher ever.  His dominance is equaled only by his greatness.  His baseball card sells on ebay for 58 million dollars and his enormous manhood is already the talk of locker rooms around the league.

There has been a lot of talk in baseball circles about whether Strasburg should be in this years All Star Game in Anaheim.  Clearly he not only belongs there but should also play all nine positions.  Even playing shorthanded the score would still probably be something like STRASBURG 16 - A.L. 0.

Fortunately, the folks in Cooperstown have taken notice and in an unprecedented move, Strasburg will be inducted into the National Baseball Hall Of Fame this Summer.  To accommodate the young fireballer, the committee waived the 5 year waiting period as well as the pesky requirement of actually having to have any kind of prolonged success in baseball.

Today at 4:10 in Washington, D.C., the Mets will face the great Strasburg.  They will try their best not to embarrass themselves too badly in the presence of history's greatest pitcher.  David Wright sums up the situation, "A lot of the guys didn't even want to show up, what with him being so great and all.  In the end we decided we will play so we could tell our kids one day about the time we were beaten by the greatest human being who ever lived."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Beltran's Return Will Mark Debut Of New Body Brace

The Mets are taking no more chances with Carlos Beltran.  When the center fielder returns in the coming weeks, he will be playing with the aid of a full body brace specially commissioned by the team.

The brace, designed by Detroit based company Omni Consumer Products, will allow Beltran to play without fear of any injury.  In fact, the slugger has had to learn to reel in the power of the suit.  During a rehab game Beltran broke the arm of a teammate during a routine high five. 

Despite the minor setback.  Omni Consumer Products thinks they are on to something.  VP Dick Jones explains, "Imagine if you will a 24-hour a day center fielder.  A player who doesn't need to eat or sleep.  This will be the future of baseball."

If the suit works out the Mets plan to have Pedro Feliciano use one next.  When we asked him what he thought of the idea, Pedro simply told us, "I'll buy that for a dollar!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Bloomberg Convinced He Can Bring Lee To The Mets

Thanks to a certain guy from Akron, celebrities have been making their way into sports news even more than usual these days.  Most recently, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg has assembled an all-star team of clowns to make a run at luring big free agents to the Knicks.

When the mayor found out that the Mets were interested in aqcuiring Mariners ace Cliff Lee, he thought that he could help.  So on Wednesday, with the Mets away in Puerto Rico, Bloomberg gathered his troops.  The team, which consists of Spike Lee, Whoopi Goldberg, Tracy Morgan, Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin, Mark Messier, Chris Rock and the team's newest member Flo the Progressive Insurance lady, met at Citi to record a video urging Lee to come to the Mets.

The only problem?  Lee is not a free agent.  Whether Lee comes here or not will ultimately be decided through negotiation between the Mets and Mariners GM's.  That piece of info however didn't seem to bother the group.  Bloomberg explained, "If we're not out doing this nonsense then we would have to go back to real jobs.", exclaimed Bloomberg.  "Have you looked at the city lately?  The budget is a disaster, The MTA is literally a train wreck.  I'd rather be out doing this foolishness than deal with that."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.