Saturday, December 31, 2011

Dropping The Dickey On 2011 & Hoping For A Better 2012 For The Mets

Friday, December 30, 2011

An Obituary For Mets Hopes

In Memory of
METS HOPES (1962-2011)

After a long lingering illness, Mets Hopes died in Queens New York in December of 2011.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas Mets Fans From The Apple

Friday, December 23, 2011

A Christmas Story: Deleted Scene

"A Derek Jeter autographed ball! How in the world did you get one of these?"

12 Days Of Metsmas: Terry Collins is Home Alone

As if having Wally and Tim Teufel breathing down the back of his neck wasn't bad enough, Terry also has to watch out for that evil Tim Curry.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: Daniel Murphy Stars In A Christmas Classic...Die Hard

Terrorists have broken into Citi Field on Christmas Eve and are trying to steal what little money the Wilpons have left.  Unfortunately for the terrorists, they didn't count on one thing: Daniel Murphy.  Murph is determined to save the day and win back the second base job. One thing is for sure, it's a bad day to be a terrorist...and Justin Turner.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: Miracle On 126th Street

Six year old Susan has doubts about her favorite ballclub. Her mother told her the "secret" about ownership's money problems a long time ago, so Susan doesn't expect much from the Flushing nine. But after meeting a special knuckleballer (Robert Allen Dickey) who convinces her that he's the real thing, Susan is given the most precious gift of all - something to believe in.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: Sandy Alderson's Christmas Vacation

Sandy Griswold just wants a winning ballclub for Christmas. But with players leaving, injuries mounting and a cheap boss to deal with, is there really any way for him to pull it off?  On top of all of that, Cousin Terry has shown up unannounced...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Thursday, December 15, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: It's A Wonderful Life...As Long As You're Not David Wright

David Wright is down on his luck.  His power has deserted him, his glove isn't what it used to be and his best friend left him to go to Florida.  Wright is contemplating throwing himself off the Whitestone Bridge when he is visited by a guardian angel who shows him what it would be like for the Mets had Wright never come here.  Sadly, it turns out the Mets actually would have done better without Wright and let's just say it doesn't end well for David.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: The Grinch

Day 2 brings us this Mets holiday classic.  Fire away with your plot ideas.  I promise I'll get to some more upbeat stuff on day 3.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

12 Days Of Metsmas: Jingle All The Way

With the holiday season upon us, I thought I'd try something a little different.  For the next 12 days, I'll be photoshopping Mets personalities onto various holiday movie posters.  Your job is to hit the comments section and tell me what you think this movie would be about.  We kick things off with Jingle All The Way starring Fred & Jeff Wilpon.  Go!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ryan Braun: Carlos Beltran Selfishly Made Me Take Steroids

National League MVP Ryan Braun has suddenly found himself on the hot seat after testing positive for PED's.  While many expected Braun to appeal the test, the Brewers star player is taking a surprisingly honest route and confessing to what we all knew to be true anyway: That Carlos Beltran forced him to do it.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Video: Sex, Violence & David Wright

I don't know how in the world Darren at The 7 Line found this but I'm glad he sent it to me.  Apparently the Mets Golden Boy is into some very weird stuff.  Be warned though, this video is very NSFW.

More videos from Chess Club Comedy here.
Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

League Of Vampires: "We Have Nothing To Do With The Mets"

Recently there has been a lot of talk among bloggers involving the Mets and vampires.  So much so that the League Of Vampires called a press conference to set the record straight.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Lil' Murph's Diary: I'm A Trade Rumor!

Dear Diary,

This is a special week in offseason baseball.  Mr. Alderson and some of his helpers have flown out to Texas to take part in the Winter Meetings.  While other stuff is done I suppose, the winter meetings seem to be all about signing players who are free agents and making trades.  There are a gazillion reporters and bloggers out there so trade rumors come flying out of that area like nobody's business.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Join The Apple At McFaddens NYC Tonight For The 7 Line's Calendar Release Party

Do you like drinking?  Do you like pretty girls?  Do you like drinking with pretty girls?

If you answered yes to any of these questions than why not come down to McFaddens in NYC (NOT Citi Field) for The 7 Line's Girls of Blue and Orange calendar release party.  Several Mets bloggers will be in attendance as well as all 12 calendar girls.  If you're keeping score at home that's 12 more girls than are usually found when Mets bloggers get together.

The entire staff of The Apple (me) will be on hand and I'll be signing your laptops, smartphones or printouts of any of my articles. See you there.

December 3, 2011 9:00PM
800 Second Ave, Manhattan, NY 10017

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Nick Evans Sets Sail On A Mystical Quest To The Isle Of Tortuga...Or Possibly Just Joins Another Sub .500 Team

Avast ye mateys! It be my time to shine now!
Everyone's favorite mystery man has signed a contract with the Pittsburgh Pirates.  The only question I have is: Has anyone seen @Miss_Met and is she OK?

Friday, November 25, 2011

"Kick A Wilpon" Promotion Leads To Second Straight Black Friday Trampling At Citi Field

Just like last year, the New York Mets hoped to boost sagging merchandise sales at their stadium shop by hosting a black Friday sale early this morning.  Unfortunately for the Mets, the results were similar to last year's debacle, sending several fans to the hospital.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

This Day In Mets History: 1621 - R.A. Dickey Creates The First Thanksgiving

On this day in 1621 R.A. Dickey brokered an uneasy peace between the Pilgrims and Native Americans.  Though this peace would not last, many of the traditions celebrated at "The Great Dickey Feast" continue today. The holiday would later come to be known as "Thanksgiving".

Monday, November 21, 2011

Spot The Real Team Store Item Answer: Art Shamsky Bandages

Last Thursday I stopped by Citi Field to drop off some canned food to help the Wilpon Family have Thanksgiving dinner. (It's always important to remember the less fortunate at this time of year.) While I was there, I decided to check out what was going on in the Mets Team Store and that's where I saw these.  Art Shamsky bandages.  I couldn't believe these were real and apparently neither could you as 68% of you voting in this weekend's poll believed that a doctored photo of misprinted Mets beach chair was the real Citi Field Team Store item. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Can You Spot The Fake Mets Team Store Item?

Here are two photos of items in the Mets Team Store at Citi Field.  One item is fake and one is real. Check out the two photos and then vote on which you think is the real item?
Mets Chair With Wrong "Established" Year 

Art Shamsky Bandages
Which Is The Real Mets Team Store Item?

Friday, November 18, 2011

50th? 51st? All That Counts Is That They're Doing Something Right...Right?

No Mets activity, no matter how small, would be complete without at least a little controversy.  In all the hubbub surrounding the teams 50th anniversary plans, there has been some talk over what anniversary this really is.  The Mets say it's 50 while others say it's 51.  So who's right? Can it be both? 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

T-shirt Design Suggests 2012 Mets Will Do Even More Bunting

I saw this in the Citi Field Team Store today.  It appears Terry Collins is going to be so committed to the bunt in 2012 that he even had t-shirts printed up.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Touch 'Em All Mets Police, You Deserve It: Mets Bring Back Banner Day, Return To Blue & Orange

Shannon from MetsPolice celebrates the return of Banner Day
Earlier today at Citi Field, the Mets announced the first stages of their 50th Anniversary celebration which of course celebrates 51 seasons of Mets baseball.  The biggest news was a return to the blue and orange uniforms of yesteryear and the return of Banner Day.  It was a big day for our buddies over at Mets Police who have been campaigning for years for the Mets to simplify their unis and bring back banner day.  Congrats Shannon.  Read the press release over at

Mets See Drop In Ticket Plan Renewals As Lazy Fans Don't Want To Do Math

According to sources within the Mets ticket office, shortly after announcing their new ticket plans for 2012, the Mets were inundated with angry phone calls from plan holders cancelling their tickets.  The reason: this year's plan involves too much damn work.

Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert Status: Orange

Can burnt sienna be far behind?

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Apple Uncovers Discontinued Mets Ice Cream Flavors

Novelty ice cream flavors are all the rage in sports these days.  The Yankees, Phillies and Eagles all have flavors available in regional stores.  Disgraced Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky even had a flavor named for him which was pulled from the school creamery when it became apparent that he was a jackass. 
This made me curious as to whether any current or past Mets players had any ice cream flavors named after them, so I called around to the major ice cream companies.  As it turns out there have been several failed ice cream flavors based on the Mets.  Here are a few:

Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert Status: Green

Jose is wearing green underwear today.  All Mets fans are advised to stock up on duct tape and plastic sheeting...

Monday, November 14, 2011

New York Giants Players Blame Lack Of Focus On Jose Reyes Rumors

Yesterday in San Francisco, the New York Giants were defeated by the 49ers 27-20 and while there is no shame in falling to the now 8-1 Niners, many Giants players feel that off-field distractions may have cost them the game.  One distraction in particular: the rumor that Jose Reyes had signed with Miami.

Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert Status: Purple

After a long day of unfounded rumors, La Melaza is rocking a more calming shade of purple...or maybe he's meeting with Colorado today?  Freak out, everyone!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert Status: Pink

Looks like Jose is getting in touch with his feminine side today. Let's see what you guys can come with for this one...

Friday, November 11, 2011

Caught On Tape: Fred Wilpon & Sandy Alderson Discuss Strategy For 2012

"Sandy, we're phasing out color to cut costs."
In case you're wonder the bug we planted in Fred Wilpon's Citi Field office is still functioning fine.  Here's what it picked up a couple of mornings ago:

Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert Status: Red

Looks like JR is rocking red today.  A simple clothing choice or something far more sinister? You make the call.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Introducing The Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert System

Are you like me? Do you wish you knew every ridiculous detail about Jose Reyes so that you can speculate wildly about what it could possibly mean about the shortstop's thought process? Of course you do.  That's why The Apple has teamed up with the good folks at Hanes to bring you the Jose Reyes Underwear Color Alert System.  Every day until something actually happens, I'll let you know what color underwear Jose Reyes is wearing that day (don't ask me how I find this out) and you guys can speculate in the comments section.  The more ridiculous the better.

Today's color is Blue.  Fire away...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Jose Reyes Orders A Turkey Sandwich: Could This Be The End?

Breaking news from the Mets hot stove, The Apple has learned that Free Agent SS Jose Reyes ordered a Turkey Club at lunch today.  While we cannot confirm that this means Reyes is leaving the Mets it certainly doesn't look good.  To help us break down this breaking news we bring in SNY's Sandwich Expert Ted Berg.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Reyes Uncertainty Is Tearing Rocky Balboa Apart

Lost in the negotiations between Jose Reyes and the Mets is the emotional impact on the fans.  Clearly this whole situation is tearing Rocky Balboa apart.  Why would Reyes and the Mets intentionally do this to the Italian Stallion?

Friday, November 4, 2011

R.A. Dickey's Off-Season Workout

Now that The Apple has gained a small loyal following in the Mets blogosphere, new opportunities are beginning to open up for me.  This past week, Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey invited me to come out to his secret training location in Russia and observe his workout.  I was able to shoot some video.  Enjoy!

The weird part is that I didn't add music to this. Dickey is just so awesome that this song simply plays from the heavens whenever R.A. works out. Fact.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mets Eye Shorter Basepaths and Collision-Proof Fielding Zones In Next Round Of Citi Field Changes

On Monday October 31st the Mets made official their planned changes to the configuration of CitiField's outfield walls.  They will be coming in, they will be getting lower, and they will become blue.

While this has caused some of the more mediocre pitchers on the staff to start looking for alternative careers it has put a toothy grin on the face of David Wright and Jason Bay, among others.

In general the reception this announcement has received has been so positive among depressed fans of the team that they have decided to take the next step in reconfiguring a ballpark that seems to be stacked against the home club.

We spoke to a high ranking club official who prefers to remain nameless but we'll call him Paul DePodesta.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Mets In Talks With The Apple About Sponsorship Deal For New Seating Area

So yesterday I was minding my own business trying to enjoy my Halloween when my Twitter started blowing up with messages that basically said, "The Mets took your ideas.", "Congrats on re-designing Citi Field." and the one that made me cringe "Thank you for getting us blue walls."  Apparently, the Mets had announced new dimensions and people were congratulating me for some reason.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Clubhouse Of Horror: Night Of The Living Dead Weight

Dammit, I thought we were done with these guys!

Clubhouse Of Horror: David Wright's Revenge

Go ahead Mets fans, dump pigs blood on David Wright all you want, but don't say I didn't warn you when he burns down Citi Field.

Clubhouse Of Horror: The Ringless

Seven years after you sign the contract...your team dies!

Clubhouse Of Horror: Fred Wilpon is The Fly

Help Meeeee.....

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