Monday, February 28, 2011

1st Annual Fonzie Awards Recap

I just wanted to quickly recap the action from today's first ever Fonzie Awards. Let's run down the list of winners:

Due to time constraints, the following Fonzies were given out at a separate ceremony:
  • Best Superfluous Use Of The Letter R -
  • The Bare Minimum Award For Least Amount Of Blog Updates -
  • Outstanding Achievement by an Unpaid Contributor To The Apple - Larry Smith
  • Best Ongoing Twitter War - @MetsFanMurph Vs. @CoreyNYC
  • The "Valentino" Fonzie For Outstanding Achievement In Mets Clothing Design- The 7 Line

The Fonzie for Snazziest Intro To A Video Blog Goes To...

Kerel Cooper from On The Black.  Kerel wastes no time letting you know what he is about when you fire up one of his videos.  Within 10 seconds you know everything you need to know to be fully acclimated to On the Black.  Set to a haunting Hip Hop beat, the intro tells us that:

  1. Kerel owns some Mets memorabilia which he has used to decorate his office
  2. Kerel sometimes talks about the Mets outside while wearing his Mets winter hat
  3. One time Kerel went to see David Wright speak at what appears to be a Chuck E. Cheese
  4. Kerel knows Matt Cerrone, in fact they often participate in lighthearted banter

The Fonzie For Most Flagrant Misuse Of MS Paint Goes To...

The Amazin' Avenue FanShots Section.  If you aren't already a regular visitor to Amazin' Avenue, you really should be.  Besides putting out a kick-ass annual every year, the site is home to one of the funniest Mets fan communities.  Whether it's replacing Scarface's head with community favorite R.A. Dickey's or simply continuing to spread the rumor that Nick Evans is in fact invisible, the contributors over at Amazin' Ave make me laugh daily.  Accepting the award for AA is a badly photoshopped R.A. Dickey.

The Fonzie For Angriest Comments Section Goes To...

Metsblog.  They are a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliche: Mother held them too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late-night sneaky uncle, whatever. They are so angry, moments of levity actually cause them pain... give them headaches. Happiness, for them, hurts.  They are the Metsblog commenters.

The Fonzie For Beating A Dead Horse Goes To...

Shannon Shark of Mets Police.  In case you haven't noticed, Shannon does not care for the color black when the Mets are concerned.  So much so that I wanted to link some articles as examples but I would have ended linking the whole damn site.  To his credit, Shannon always manages to keep his crusade against black unis lighthearted and fun.

The Fonzie For Outstanding Achievement In Taco or Other Tortilla Related Blog Posting Goes To...

Ted Berg of Tedquarters.  For those of you not familiar with Tedquarters, besides providing analysis on New York sports, Ted also provides hands down some of the most in-depth taco related coverage around.  No new Taco Bell menu item escapes Berg's analytical eye.  Here is a sample of Ted's work:

Welcome To Fonzie Monday!

In honor of Oscar Sunday, The Apple will be bringing you our First Annual Awards For Excellence In Mets Bogging Achievement And Other Stuff or the Fonzies for short.

Throughout the day we'll be handing out Fonzies to various bloggers and websites to commemorate their contributions to the Mets blogging community.  No musical numbers, No long winded speeches and no James Franco.

The first Fonzie will be handed out shortly.  Stay Tuned...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Mets Considered Shutting Down Spring Training Had MLB Loan Not Gone Through

Despite assurances that the Madoff-related law suit will not affect the team's finances, a source close to the Mets told The Apple that had Major League Baseball not agreed to lend the Mets 25 million dollars, the team was considering shuttering their spring training complex in Port St. Lucie.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

SNY Releases Their Own "Melo" Commercial For Mets Spring Training Debut

Caught up in all the recent Melo-Drama surrounding the arrival of Carmelo Anthony, SNY has decided to make their own version of MSG's Carmelo commercial for a spring training Mets game.  The commercial debuts tomorrow on SNY sometime during on of the first 5 episodes of beer money but readers of The Apple get a sneak peak.  Enjoy!

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Camp T-Shirts Not As Popular Among Mets Players As New Manager

Yesterday, Rich Coutinho filed this report on Camp Terry.  While most of the Mets players are enjoying the new manager's emphasis on Intensity and Focus the official camp t-shirts that Collins has ordered are not as popular.

Derek Jeter Not The Only Player Featured On A Cubs Billboard This Spring

The Cubs have been drawing some criticism for using Derek Jeter's image to sell tickets.  But the team insists they are just touting the upcoming match-ups and have posters featuring many major leaguers.  This one was my favorite:
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

David Wright Quietly Cancels Mets Clubhouse Poker Room Renovations

Earlier this week the Mets card-playing habits became the focus of a New York Post article.  Team mouthpiece and card player extraordinaire David Wright handled the "controversy" in his usual composed fashion by telling the Post, "In the seven years I've been here . . . cards are a part of baseball, I think. But it's very important also that it's not a distraction and it doesn't get in the way of someone's preparation."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Link: Vote For New Mets T-Shirt Designs At The 7 Line

Our friends over at The 7 Line need help figuring out which t-shirt designs to print up for the start of the 2011 season.  You can help them out by going here and voting. I like this one.

Sports Business News: Cadbury Points To Melo Trade/Poor Spelling As Reason For Spike In Sales

Easter has come early for the folks at Cadbury.  Famous for their weird chocolate yolky egg thingy, the Cadbury company usually has to wait for Easter to enjoy some of their best sales numbers of the year.  This year though they have been given a gift in the form of Carmelo Anthony and his trade to the Knicks combined with most Americans inability to spell. 

Monday, February 21, 2011

Sony Delays MLB The Show Video Game After Simulation Predicts Mets Win World Series

Video game fans waiting to get their hands on the 2011 edition of Sony's MLB The Show video game are getting some bad news this morning as Sony has announced that the game has been delayed indefinitely.  SCEA, the games publisher has sited "realism issues" as the reason the game will not be available on the original March 8th release date.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Either Yovani Gallardo Is The Most Popular Major Leaguer Or Someone At Target Screwed Up

I was at my local target in White Plains, NY today and while I was pleased to see the baseball merch making it's way back onto the shelves, I can't help but feel like someone got their wires crossed.  Right next to the Mets and Yankees shirts was a huge amount of Yovani Gallardo Brewers shirts.  Did Yovani become the most marketable MLB player while I wasn't looking?

Mets Make Good On Promise To Fans

When the 2011 Mets make a promise, they deliver.  Earlier today it was reported by Amazin' Avenue (and probably a bunch of other sites I didn't bother to check) that the Mets have resigned outfielder Jesus Feliciano.  While the move admittedly has little to no effect on the 25-man roster the most significant aspect to the story is that the Mets have made good on the promise they made right here on The Apple earlier this offseason.

True to their word, by keeping Jesus and shedding Pedro the 2011 Mets will indeed report to camp with 50% Less Feliciano.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sandy Alderson Already Growing Tired Of Adam Rubin's Constant Lobbying

When Adam Rubin sees a job opening he goes after it.  Apparently the ESPN reporter who once drew the ire of former Mets GM Omar Minaya has set his sights on a new prize: a spot in the Mets bullpen.

Mets Drop Both Ends Of Intrasquad Game Despite Successful Debut Of Jason Bay's Protective Suit

In what might be a harbinger of things to come both sides believe they lost yesterday's first intrasquad game of the year. Let's backtrack and cover the event.

After the team completed stretching and normal baseball drills manager Collins had the players practice some of their specialties. Ike Davis and the other firstbasemen practiced tumbling over the dugout railing attempting to snag foul balls. Meanwhile, Mookie Wilson introduced the outfielders to the outfield wall and suggested that slamming into it violently could lead to a four month headache.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Ollie Can Always Try Hollywood If He Is Cut This Spring

Yankee Stadium Grounds Crew Rushing To Prepare For "Fattest Team Ever"

Yesterday the Wall Street Journal broke the news that this years group of Yankees may indeed be the "fattest Yankees team ever".  On Friday morning, the stadium grounds crew was hard at work prepping the field for the incoming group of Portly Pinstripers.

Generation DL: Mets Marketing Rallying Around Latest Crop Of "Talent"

The Mets have decided to build this years marketing campaign around their new style of pitching phenoms dubbed Generation DL.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Charlie Sheen

  • PA system would blast Wild Thing anytime Sheen is shown on the jumbotron
  • All concessions would be updated giving Citi Field the largest beer and liquor selection in New York State
  • After enough drinks would gladly hit any of the players in-laws, freeing the players from the risk of injury or arrest
  • Keith Hernandez would finally have a drinking buddy within the organization

Breaking News: Jeff Wilpon Releasing Rap Album To Benefit Mets

The younger Wilpon stole the show today at the Mets press conference when he announced that he will be branching out into the world of hip-hop music.  Sporting some cool shades, Wilpon said that he will go by the name Rappin' J-Dubs and hopes to drop his first CD before opening day.  All monies generated from the sale of the album will go directly to Sterling Mets.

Non-Fiction Post Of The Week: Terry Collins Talks Bullpen, Ted Berg Talks Optimism

Ted Berg over at TedQuarters posted this clip of Terry Collins talking about using his closer and bullpen:

Is it just me or does it feel both refreshing and weird to hear things that make sense coming out of the mouth of a Mets manager.  I think to help ease the transition for Mets fans Terry should throw in more "uuuuuuuhhhhh's" and nervous laughter until we get used to him.  At the very least why not suggest Reyes should bat 3rd.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Media Goon Dreams Of A Hooters At Citi Field

Not likely Keith...but we can dream.

Bedlam Ensues At Citi Field As Mets Actually Sell A Season Ticket

The Apple has learned that on Monday morning a scene reminiscent of what recently took place in Egypt erupted at the offices of the NY Mets in Citifield.

The cause of this excitement was the actual selling of a season ticket.

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Is Ollie Perez The Mets Messiah?

The NY Mets may end up having the most unlikely savior of all.

Oliver Perez, never able to get out of his own jams is trying to help the Wilpons out of theirs by offering to buy a 20% share of the team.

Mets Announce New 1-Game Flex Packs

Subscribers to the Mets "Flushing Flash" email newsletter will wake up this morning to find the Mets latest marketing attempt in their inboxes.  As reported earlier on The Apple and confirmed yesterday on WFAN's Mike'd Up program, the ad features the face of all Mets advertising, Oliver Perez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Mike Francesa & The Ad That Is Apparently Causing All The Trouble

I'm trying to piece this together but it seems someone called Mike Francesa today and was talking about how a ticket promo he got had Ollie Perez on it. Mike was stunned. 

According to David Brody, "He said it was on your site if he didn't believe it and that usually your site is all funny fake stories but that this was real."  

Too funny.  If I have to explain the truth about this ad to anyone than they obviously don't know what I do.  I think the guy was probably trying to pull a fast one and get Mike worked up.

Reader Contribution: Jenrry's First Kiss

From @adammarcal
"She told me we were going to go all the way, but then we just made out! It messed with my head for years...I don't think I'll ever be the lover I could've been."

Send your kiss captions for any Mets player to and if I like it I'll post it.

Outtakes From The Mets First Kiss Video

Yesterday on the Mets debuted a video featuring various Mets talking about their first kisses.  The video starred Josh Thole, Dylan Gee, Angel Pagan & Jose Reyes sharing stories about their first encounters with the opposite sex but The Apple has learned that the video was shot months ago and features other current and former Mets.  Major League baseball has released excerpts of these interviews to The Apple.  Enjoy.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Hosni Mubarak

  • Suddenly has lots of free time
  • Has vowed to bring the Winter Classic & Super Bowl to Citi force if necessary
  • Looks a little like Lt. Mauser from the Police Academy 3: Back In Training
  • Will not be swayed by the fans or media, not even if they bring torches and pitchforks
  • Current status as the world's most hated man makes the Wilpons look like choir boys

  • Is not a big fan of bloggers or the internet
  • Is a big A-Rod fan
  • Still hasn't figured out that whole "human rights" thing
  • Would most likely try to convert the Mets into a soccer team
  • Once tried to trade the Sphinx to Chad for a golden Bentley
  • Has vowed to have any fans or media saying anything negative about the team "silenced"
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Larry Smith: Mets Have Option In Brooklyn Should Things Get Really Bad

All across the country people are walking away from mortgages and other financial obligations. In some cases young people are moving back in with their parents and in other cases they are walking away from their homes and finding other places to live.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Justin Bieber

  • Screaming teenage girls would make it impossible for players to hear the fans booing them
  • Having another Canadian around might be a morale booster for Jason Bay
  • There would be one less lonely girl
  • More games would sell out, granted many of the tickets would be sold to people who have never heard of baseball
  • Just think of the elaborate dance routine Reyes and Bieber could come up with

Don't Ever Poke Fun At Alyssa Milano Or You Will Incur The Wrath Of Twitter

I've made fun of a lot of athletes and celebrities on The Apple and sadly, no one ever got offended.  Well it seems I have finally struck a nerve when I added Alyssa Milano, who I actually really like, to my list of unlikely ownership candidates for the Mets.

It seems Alyssa wasn't amused:

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Alyssa Milano


  • Would be a lot nicer to look at in press conferences than Jeff Wilpon
  • Growing sports clothing empire guarantees financial stability
  • Could use knowledge gained from dating other teams players to assist in scouting
  • Would probably be the first time in history players would be HOPING to get called into the owners office

Non-Fiction Post Of The Week: Metsgrrl Reads The Wilpon Complaint So You Don't Have To

"The Wilpons are rich and arrogant. We knew that already. We wish they didn’t own the Mets. This is nothing new. I’m not going to get worried about them needing to sell the team until we get there. Then I’ll get worried when I have something to worry about."

Bravo to Metsgrrl for summing up how I have felt about this whole Wilpon thing since day one.  Read her entire guide to the Wilpon complaint here.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Unlikely Ownership Candidate Of The Day: Tom Cruise

  • Scientological approach to treatment of injuries can't be any worse than what the Mets are already doing
  • 4 Words: Cole Trickle Bobblehead Night
  • Mets will have a cool 80's Kenny Loggins soundtrack
  • Will manage one game a year as Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder

Mets Hoping New Perks Will Entice Prospective Investors

Sterling Equities which owns the NY Mets, TV network SNY, and a significant position in Madoff Ponzi International Inc. (MadPonz, now selling at 1 penny per share on the NASDAQ) has decided to sell up to 25% of the baseball team.

According to Forbes Magazine, the actual value of the team presently is -$225 million. By my calculation then a quarter of the team should be worth about -$56 million. And who among us really doesn't have that kind of minus money to invest?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Unlikely Mets Ownership Candidate Of The Day: The "Opulence" Guy

  • Opulence - He has it
  • Would give Mets fans the bat-shit crazy owner they've always wanted
  • Over the top personality would balance out current ownership's complete lack of one
  • If a big free agent is available, he will "jump in it"

  • Would replace dirt at Citi Field with gold.  Might be tough on Jose's legs
  • May eventually move team to Eastern Europe
  • While he says he is willing to spend on the team he admitedly also likes "savings the money"
  • Would only air Mets games on DirecTV
  • Wants to replace Mr. Met with a miniature giraffe

    All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

    Fake News, Real Tickets: The Apple Partners With TiqIQ To Arm Mets Fans With Ticket Buying Knowledge

    Unfortunately we live in a time when buying tickets to a baseball game requires the assistance of a financial planner.  What used to be a simple impulse purchase is now a major investment.  With that in mind, would you really buy your Mets tickets from this guy?  Yeah neither would I.  That's why I am proud to announce that The Apple is partnering with the good folks over at TiqIQ to drop some serious ticket buying knowledge on you.

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