Mets Reportedly Were Ready To Turn To Dildo Had Dickey Been Put On The Shelf

R.A. Dickey is going to make his scheduled start tonight, but according to reports, the Mets already had a backup plan had the knuckleballer not been ready to go.  Concerned that the injury Dickey sustained during last week's start would sideline him for some time, the Mets very quietly signed an unknown player named R.J. Dildo.

Happy Memorial Day From The Apple

Springtime For Wilpon In Citi Field: Larry Smith Weighs In On Mets Ownership

This past Thursday was a good day for Fred Wilpon and the Mets OFF the field but a bad day on the field.

The Mets define their in-season days as:
Good day -  Mets win while no Met players are hurt.
Fair day - Mets win while only one player gets hurt  OR Mets lose while no players get hurt.
Bad day - Mets lose and one or more players get hurt.

So Thursday was a bad day.

Wilpon Is Einhorn...Einhorn Is Wilpon

There I've said it.  Now enjoy this silly photo and let's move on...

Wilpon Pretty Much Just Talking To Anyone Who Will Listen At This Point

Bored with the mainstream media, Mets owner Fred Wilpon is pretty much talking to anyone who will listen now.  On Wednesday he met with members of the Ecuadorian soccer team in preparation for the upcoming Ecuador Greece friendly at Citi Field.  After the meeting, he spoke to the popular Ecuadorian magazine "The Quitonian" and made some controversial statements:

Mr. Moody Met Takes A Bite Out Of The Apple

The Apple wants to send a big thank you to Herm over at Mr. Moody Met who made me this awesome pin of  Mr. Met getting ready to take a big ole bite out of The Apple.  I love it! Check out more awesome Mr. Met artwork over at Mr. Moody Met.

Outtakes from New Yorker Article Reveal Even More Wilpon Opinions

Yesterday, Mets owner Fred Wilpon's comments in a New Yorker article set off a media circus in NY as many fans and sports columnists felt that the Mets owner unfairly singled out David Wright, Jose Reyes & Carlos Beltran for criticism.  Why did he choose to attack only those three?  According to the author of the article, Jeffrey Toobin, he didn't. 

"Wilpon actually had opinions on a lot of things that simply had to be cut because the story was too long.", said Toobin.  The author agreed to share additional quotes from Wilpon exclusively with The Apple.

Mets To Debut New Advertising Campaign During Second Half Of Season

As per the order's of Fred "Nothing Left To Lose" Wilpon, the Mets will debut a new advertising campaign to replace their "Home is where the heart is" campaign during the second half of the 2011 season.  It's pretty straightforward and a little crass but at least it's honest.

Weary Jeter Looking Forward To Today's Rapture

While many people today are living in fear of tonight's predicted Rapture, one Bronx Bomber is welcoming the event.  Yankee Captain Derek Jeter spoke briefly With The Apple after last night's loss to the Mets and had this to say:

Mets & Yankees Fans Officially Tired Of Paying Big Bucks For Subway Series Tickets

The numbers don't lie.  But if you do want tickets at a decent price, go here.

Mets Announce Bizarre Ticket Exchange Program

Using advanced ticket tracking technology, the Mets have announced a fan rewards/punishment system for ticket holders from Wednesday night's synchronized swimming match against the Nats.  Apparently the Mets ability to collect fan data has become so advanced that the team was able to create a convoluted make up system for ticket holders. 

Larry Smith Presents: The MRI Whisperer

A few years ago when I was having knee problems of my own I met a fellow, Raji Patel, who worked at the local imaging center.  What he told me about my own MRI was so amazing that I dubbed him the MRI Whisperer - the Adrian Monk of that particular specialty.

We at The Apple were able to obtain the MRI images taken on David Wright's upper and lower back.  I took these to Raji and without telling him the name or occupation of the patient (I called him "Patient W") asked him to tell us what he could glean.

The Forecast That Forced The Mets To Play Tonight

Can't blame the Mets for trying to play tonight after seeing this forecast.  I doubt they'll get Saturday's game in if King Neptune really does ride giant seahorses into the Bronx.

Dr. House Gives Mets A Second Opinion On Wright Injury

Join The Apple Friday Night At McFaddens For Half Priced Drinks

In case you haven't heard, it's the end of the world as we know it.  Fortunately, this year the apocalypse also coincides with the Subway Series so I think we should celebrate.  Hence the Subway Series/End Of The World Party was born.

The Apple is going to be enjoying the Armageddon at McFaddens this Friday.  Because if the world is ending I want to go out the way I lived, half in the bag watching mediocre Mets baseball.  The good folks at McFaddens have offered half priced drinks for anyone on my guest list this Friday for the duration of the Mets/Yankees game.  Alternatively, if your a heavy drinker you'll have the option to do a $25 open bar for the ENTIRE GAME.

If you want to be on the guest list, just send me an email to readtheapple@gmail.com with the subject End Of The World and let me know how many you are bringing.

In case there's any confusion this is not a gag.  If you're gonna be at McFaddens Friday and want to drink cheaply and hang with The Apple send me an email now.  See you there.

Fred Wilpon Finally Addresses "The Whole Dodger Thing"

Fred Wilpon has often been accused of trying to morph the Mets into his beloved Brooklyn Dodgers.  On Monday evening after the Mets game against the Florida Marlins, Wilpon finally addressed the issue when he released the following statement:

Terry Collins Says Cost Saving Pre-Printed Lineup Cards Are Hindering His Ability To Manage The Mets

The Mets return home to Citi Field tonight to take on the Marlins and while most managers prefer the taste of home cooking, Terry Collins is not so thrilled to be back.  The reason? Collins claims that a cost cutting move by the Mets is making him look bad as a manager.

Mets Bench Players Hold "Kumite" To Determine Who Is The Worst

For some of the Mets, the rain out in Colorado was a much needed day to rest injured limbs.  The Mets worst players however, used the unscheduled off day to fight in a bloody tournament to decide who truly is the worst player on the team.

Blogger Outage Update: Notes From Last Night's Mets Win

Last night's Blogger outage kinda messed up my schedule so here's a recap of what was gonna be posted.  Carlos Beltran has a new commercial announcing himself as the face of the franchise.

You're Killing Me Smalls: 3 Mets Battle For Title Of Worst On The Team

When I was a young lad there were three CF’ers in New York and they were all great ballplayers.

 

The Yankees had Mickey Mantle, the Giants had Willie Mays, and the Dodgers had Duke Snider.

Fan delighted in arguing which of the three was best although Dodger fans tended to admit that their guy was probably #3.

And now in the next millenium a new trio is sparking a somewhat different argument.  The question now being debated is “Who is the worst player on the Mets’ bench?”

You know them.  They’ve been called the “Horrible H’s” and other things that don’t belong in a family blog.

Let’s make the case for each and then we’ll let you, the loyal reader, decide who truly is the worst bench player of the three.

The Fans Have Spoken: Ike Davis Defeats Kevin Burkhardt To Claim Spot On The Apple Subway

The votes have been counted and Ike Davis has been selected to replace Angel Pagan on the 7 train at the top of the page.  While Ike's landslide victory wasn't exactly a surprise, what was surprising was the fact that Kevin Burkhardt finished second place in the voting.  Is Kevin really the second most popular "Met" of this group?  What does that say about this team?  You know what, I don't think I want to know the answers to those questions.  Enjoy the new header.  More changes coming soon when all the rest of those guys get traded.

Who Should Replace Angel Pagan On The Apple's Subway Train?

With Angel Pagan presumably on the shelf for a while, I was thinking it might be time to update the site header.  Rather than choosing a new face myself I figured I'd put it in your hands.  Vote early and vote often.  May the best Met win.

Mets Pitcher Pelfrey Visited Medium To Help With Pitching

That Mike Pelfrey had been pitching poorly represents a gross understatement and regrettably this downturn goes back to May of 2010.

We caught up to Mike in the Mets clubhouse before Thursday's game and he was candid about his level of desperation.

Mets Invite Civil War Veterans To Afternoon Game At Citi

In keeping with the patriotic theme of the week, the Mets gave free tickets to Thursday's afternoon game at Citi Field to all Civil War veterans.  One of the lucky enlisted men even got to meet Jose Reyes.

Sponsored Tech Review: Watch The Mets Anywhere With Veebeam

Being a snarky Mets blogger sometimes has it's advantages.  Recently, the kind folks at Veebeam allowed me to take their product out for a test drive.   Veebeam is a pretty cool little gadget that allows you to watch anything you can watch on your laptop or PC in full HD on your TV.  If you have an MLB TV subscription, you can use Veebeam to broadcast the images onto any TV, meaning you can watch games and highlights on your TV instead of a laptop screen.  Here's what I thought of the Veebeam.

Mets Blame Recent Poor Play On Loss Of Mike Nickeas' Hair

After rattling off six straight wins earlier this month, the Mets fortunes have taken a turn for the worse.  Many in an around the organization are looking for a reason.  Have the bats gone cold?  Has the manager not been pushing the right buttons? Have they used up all their black uniform magic?  While all of these theories seem plausible it is a theory coming out of the Mets clubhouse that might be the most telling.  According to the players, the team has become preoccupied with the absence of Mike Nickeas' hair.

Osama Bin Laden Killed...By Daniel Murphy

In his ongoing quest to become the most beloved Met of all time, Daniel Murphy flew to the Middle East this morning and killed Osama Bin Laden.  Murphy was able to dispatch the terrorist leader and still make it back in time to pinch hit at tonight's Mets-Phillies game.  Is there anything this kid can't do?