Monday, May 31, 2010

For Mr. Met, Memorial Day A Time For Quiet Reflection

Memorial day is a day to honor the service and sacrifices that so many have made for our great country.  No one knows this better than Mr. Met.  It is a little known fact that Mr. Met served in an elite and groundbreaking Human/Mascot division during the Vietnam war.

The people living under styrofoam heads or P.L.U.S.H. Unit was originally established by the U.S. Army with hopes of proving that Mascot Americans could fight side by side with Human Americans.  As it turns out, they couldn't. You see mascots don't talk, which makes it impossible for them to give orders.  Also their huge heads make an easy target on the battlefield.  Despite the fact that the unit lasted only two weeks, bonds were formed that have lasted through the decades. 

On Sunday night, Mr. Met got together with Bernie Brewer for a quiet meal at a Milwaukee restaurant.  The Apple was invited.  Speaking through an interpreter who can translate mascot gestures, Mr. Met and Bernie Brewer fondly recalled their time in the service.

Not all the memories were fond however as the two recalled the mascots who didn't make it back.  Mascots like Dandy who was slated to become the Yankees mascot until he was killed in a tragic training accident involving a prototype t-shirt cannon.  The Yankees would later reveal a new "Dandy" in the 1980's but would quickly scrap the idea out of respect for the memory of the original Dandy.

We left that dinner on Sunday with a new found appreciation for Mr. Met, Bernie Brewer and that little known Army unit from the late 1960's, but mostly we found it amazing that anyone could make sense out of these two mascots crazy gestures.

Happy Memorial Day.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Memorial Day however is very real.  For more information and ideas on how to observe the holiday, please visit

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Breaking News: Science Confirms Mike Francesa Is In Fact The World's Biggest Douche

Douchebaggery has always been a tricky and inexact science.  There have been conflicting theories on how to even measure the trait.  For many years the Federline/Pratt method was the preferred method though in recent years the Jersey Shore method has garnered favor in the scientific community.  However today scientists it M.I.D. (The Massachusetts Institute of Douchebaggery) have discovered a new formula that will be able to calculate douchiness to within 99.98% accuracy.  They call it the Francesa method.

Rachel Paige of M.I.D. explains, "We struggled for so many years because we couldn't find specimen zero.  We needed the gold standard.  A specimen of pure unadulterated D-baggery.  We were about to give up when one of the research assistants turned on the YES network.  We knew instantly that the search was over."

According to Paige, Francesa presents the perfect storm of ego, fear, pride, disdain and ignorance all wrapped up in the body of Godfather Brando with the voice of On The Waterfront Brando.  The institute plans to honor him but when they informed him of their find he just did that sort of passive aggressive thing where he totally sucks up the compliment while making it sound as if he doesn't really care.  Then he hung up on them.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Though we wish this one were true. And now I would like to break character for a moment:

Mr. Francesa,  

A shot at one blogger is a shot at all bloggers and our art form.  While we may not have your pulpit and your influence it does not mean we do not have the right to enjoy sports the way we want to.  For years you have tried to suck the joy out of NY sports with your holier than thou attitude and we no longer have to be a slave to it.  Fans have options now and that scares you.  Don't be scared Mikey.  We don't bite.  Well not all of us anyway. 

Randy "The Apple" Medina

Sorry for the lecture but it was on my mind.  We will return to absolute nonsense on Monday.  Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and thank you all for your support.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Phillies Run Scoring Celebration Put On Hold After 3rd Consecutive Shutout

The champagne was on ice and the t-shirts were printed.  Unfortunately someone forgot to tell the Phillies.  As a morale booster for the team, the Phillies front office decided to plan a raucous post game celebration in honor of the teams first run since Jackie Robinson day in April.  Sadly that run never came.

The Phillies will now have to pack up the shirts, emblazoned with the words "We Scored" on the front and the team logo on the back, and have them shipped to Florida with the hopes that their fortunes improve at Tampax Pearl Stadium this weekend against Los Marlins.

Regardless of what happens on the remainder of their road trip, Phillies management is already discussing moving in the fences at Citizens Bank Park some more.  Apparently the team became so enamored with the dimensions at Mr. Met's Kiddie Field that they hope to reconfigure their home park to play even more like it than it already does.  There has been no confirmation yet if they will include a tee as well.

As for the Mets, they were celebrating with their own shirts courtesy of Mets Broadcaster Gary Cohen.  Cohen, apparently was so confident in the Mets pitching staff that he had the shirts printed up yesterday by local t-shirt company,  The 7 Line. 

Darren Meenan of The 7 Line recalls the encounter, "This guy comes into the shop all fired up and says he wants this many shirts and he wants them to say Goose Egg Sweep.  We asked him what the hell a goose egg sweep was and he told us that by the time the night was over we would know.  His only concern seemed to be that the game end before midnight so the date would be right."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For some really cool and unique Mets T-Shirts, visit

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Oliver Perez Arrested In Sign Stealing Scandal

When the Mets go for the sweep tonight against the Phillies, they will do so without the "services" of Oliver Perez.  Last night following the Mets 5-0 victory over the Phils, Perez was approached in the clubhouse by two uniformed NYPD officers.  He was arrested and led out of Citi Field in handcuffs.   The charge? Petty theft and vandalism.

So what happened?  Apparently the Mets, upset with Charlie Manuel's recent accusations of sign-stealing, decided to see if they could actually steal the Phillies signs.  Oliver Perez was given the job.  It seems Ollie took the job very seriously even if he didn't quite fully understand it.  Perez went out to Willets Point and downtown Flushing and proceeded to steal every sign he could find.

"They wanted Phillies signs.", Perez told The Apple. "I didn't see no Phillies signs but I found One Way and No Right On Red and Railroad Crossing so I took those."

Perez was released on $100,000 bail which he apparently paid with some pocket change he had wedged in the cushions of his car seats.

Howard Johnson, the alleged ring leader of the plan to steal the Phils signs, told us he had a feeling that the whole thing was going wrong from the start.

"I got on the bullpen phone and asked Ollie what the sign was.  He said 'Yield'!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Mets Catching A Severe Case Of Dickey Fever

The Mets marketing team knows a good thing when they see it, and they see a very good thing in R.A. Dickey.  As only the third pure knuckleballer in Mets franchise history Dickey has captured the hearts and minds of Mets fans everywhere and the Mets want to cash in on this new found fan enthusiasm.

The organization has a plan that would ultimately see Dickey replace David Wright as the face of the franchise.  The fist stage should be rolling out this week as buses, trains and billboards all over New York will be adorned with large "We Believe In Dickey" messages as part of an aggressive new ticket selling strategy.  The ad features Dickey's smiling face surrounded by his adoring fans.

"He's a natural fit for this town and a marketing persons dream.", says Bob Springer, a Mets marketing associate.  "He's got a good personality, a unique pitch and a sexually suggestive last name.  The campaigns virtually create themselves."

The ad campaign is just the beginning.  Today the Mets also announced that Friday, June 4th will be R.A. "Dickie" night at Citi Field.  The first 15,000 fans in attendance will receive an R.A. Dickey dickie sponsored by Dickies.  According to the Mets ticket office, the game sold out 30 minutes after the announcement.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Phillies Take BP at Kiddie Field To Prepare for R.A. Dickey

The Phillies arrived in NY early and used their off day to take extra BP in anticipation of facing knuckleballer R.A. Dickey on Tuesday night.  While this is not all that unusual, the venue for BP was.  The Phillies opted to take their BP on Mr. Met's Kiddie field.

According to team sources, the Phils felt that the natural movement of a wiffle ball would better simulate Dickey's knuckler and give the Phillies an edge.  According to some players though, there is another reason.  Jimmy Rollins explains, "We like Kiddie Field a little better than Citi.  The dimensions here are much closer to what we have at home.  I mean, have you seen that stadium they play in here? It's scary man.  Routine fly balls actually get caught here."

The Phillies were not alone however at Kiddie Field on Monday.  A couple of Mets were also on hand.  Carlos Beltran, who had just been cleared to resume "Wiffle Activities", and Gary Matthews Jr. also took BP on Monday.  The team has requested that Matthews take all BP on Kiddie Field from now on to boost his confidence and allow real hitters more AB's in actual BP.  Oliver Perez pitched both sessions.

In an interesting twist, all players had to clear the field early due to a scheduling conflict.  Apparently Monday was also the scheduled day for the New York Knicks vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv charity Wiffle Ball game.  Maccabi won the game 12-3.

editors note: Jimmy Rollins was placed back on the DL upon hearing news that they could not play the actual game on Kiddie Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Actually, Oliver Perez was hit in the eye with a Wiffle Ball but he is OK now.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Steiner Sports Busted In Subway Series HR Drought Scandal

Police raided the Mets locker room early Sunday morning and arrested several Steiner Sports employees including CEO Brandon Steiner.  The arrest centers around the accusations that Steiner Sports was manipulating the outcome of this weekends Subway Series by paying off players to experience a "sudden loss of power" this weekend.

The controversy surrounds Steiner Sports latest promotion centered around the Subway Series.  Fans who made a purchase of Mets or Yankees memorabilia could have their entire order charge waived if the player featured on their memorabilia hit a home run during the Subway Series this weekend.

"If these games turned into a slugfest, Steiner would stand to lose millions in sales.", say a Steiner employee speaking under the condition of anonymity.   "In order to keep that in control, certain steps had to be taken."

Those steps apparently including rewarding players who don't homer, threatening those who refused to play along and keeping Oliver Perez out of the games.

News of the arrest came as a relief to some players.  Jason Bay was one of the few who refused to take part and was receiving threats from the sports memorabilia giant.  "They told me that they had Cowbell Man and I would never see him again if I hit one out.", said Bay.  "Now that that's over I can relax.  I might just hit two homers tonight just for the heck of it."

Steiner insists they have done nothing wrong.  Major League Baseball will be launching their own investigation into the incident and will decide whether any players will be punished later this week.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  For more info on the actual Steiner Sports Subway Series promotion and other great deals on Mets memorabilia check out

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Honoring The Subway Series Greatest Wackjobs

 In honor of the Subway Series, Andrew over at SportsCardForum sent me this very rare card from the Topps Heritage Series.  This card is extremely rare because Topps stopped half way through printing.  Apparently Topps decided to pull the card from circulation because they decided that these two already get enough undeserved attention.  Coincidently Topps also pulled their Zack Hample card for the same reason.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  For real Baseball Card info check out

Friday, May 21, 2010

McFaddens Raises Prices To Help Yankees Fans Feel At Home

Yankees fans headed to the Subway Series this weekend would be wise to bring plenty of cash.  McFaddens Citi Field announced today that anyone wearing Yankees attire at this weekends games will have to pay "Yankees Fans Prices".  Pricing will remain the same for Mets fans.

Jack Burcin from McFaddens explains,  "Yankees fans expect certain things when they come to the ballpark and we aim to be sensitive to their needs.  They need to prove their superiority by paying huge prices for everything and we've tried to accommodate that."

Under the new Yankees fan pricing a $6 beer now cost $12.  Prices for things like soda, water and food have also been substantially raised.  A cheeseburger is now $27 since the Yankees seem to be so in love with that number.

Yankees fans seem pretty happy with the move.  Gilberto Gomila of the Bronx explains.  "When I come to other stadiums I want to throw my money around and show people how insignificant they are.  This place lets me do that.  Sure they paid less for their beer but it tastes better when it's overpriced.  27 Baby!!!!!"

In a separate move also aimed at easing Yankees fans transition to Citi Field, the Mets have also announced that they will be bringing in extra panhandlers to patrol the 7 Train station pre and post game.

The Apple is glad to see this kind of unity.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For more info on the awesome new McFaddens at Citi Field, visit

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wilpon Challenges Prokhorov To Fight For "Most Delusional Owner" Title

Fred Wilpon is fighting mad.  This morning the Mets owner challenged Nets owner and new kid in town Mikhail Prokhorov to a fight that no one saw coming.

The reason?  Wilpon is tired of Prokhorov stealing the back pages from his most recent on field disaster with his bold proclamations and Russian billionaire charm.  On top of just media coverage, Wilpon tells The Apple there is another title at stake.

"This guy is fresh off the boat and he is making these delusional claims.", says Wilpon.  "I am the king of delusional claims.  He hasn't earned what I have and if he wants my title he'll have to take it from my cold dead hands."

The fight will take place on July 4th at the Atlantic Yards construction site.  When asked why not have the fight at Citi Field, Wilpon responded, "I'd rather it be in Brooklyn."

Prokhorov has been tight lipped about the upcoming bout but he did have a few words for The Apple.

"He will lose.", Prokhorov told us.  When we asked him if he had any reservations about fighting an opponent so much older than himself, Prokhorov only said, "If he dies, he dies."


Fred "The Coupon" Wilpon
Hometown: Brooklyn, NY
Record: 0-162
Signature Line: "Meaningful Games In September"

Mikhail "5 Years Maximum" Prokhorov
Hometown: Moscow Russia
Record: 0-0
Signature Line: "Turn Knicks Fans Into Nets Fans"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Mets Brass Finally Reaches Deal To Develop Willets Point...With A Catch

After months of legal wrangling, the New York Mets and the City of New York has finally come to an agreement with the shop owners on 126th street. The deal would allow the Mets to bulldoze the "chop shops" and redevelop the area in conjunction with the city.

But the deal comes with a catch. A few owners refused a monetary settlement and instead will have their shops moved inside Citi Field. Fans will now be able to get a hot dog, a beer and an oil change while they watch their favorite team.

Unfortunately for fans this means that some of their favorite attractions will have to be moved to accommodate the new tenants. The first to go will be the Touch Boutique which is already being converted into an auto glass and parts shop. Mr. Mets store will now be Ramirez 10 Minute Oil change and the Mamma's of Corona will now be Vina Tires and Realignment.

While some fans are thrilled others are not so happy. Tommy D. of White Plains is one of them and he spoke to the Apple, "I mean they gotta work that's fine, but my seats are right in front of one of these shops. There's going to be guys doing burnouts, ratchet guns going off and bachata music blasting all throughout the game. That's not cool"

As for the Mets?  They are busy making plans of their own.  The Wilpons have announced that the first project of the new development will be a four story shopping and entertainment complex.  The name?  The Pee Wee Reese Pavilion.  

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Top 10 Things Discussed At The Mets Super Secret Meeting In Atlanta

10.  Mets pitchers will no longer work on pitch counts.  Jerry Manuel however will now be on a Pitcher count.

9 . In hopes of removing the negative stigma of the last few years, the Wilpons are looking into re-naming the Mets the New York Jackie Robinsons.

8. The Pre-game locker room shake shack buffet will be removed due to a certain relief pitchers bathroom issues.

7. Going forward, any future Mets coaches must have real names.  No more Razors and Chips, but good old fashioned American names like Mike and John.

6. Mike Pelfrey will now make mound visits to lick other pitcher’s hands.

5. Keith Hernandez will now be allowed to stumble down to the dugout in the late innings and drunkenly berate the team.

4. The Derek Jeter Ford Edge commercial will now play 25% less on SNY.  It will now be limited to 149 airings per game.

3. The walls at Citi Field will be raised an additional 25 feet.  Ownership felt that since the Mets aren’t going to hit homers, no one else should be able to either.

2. Ollie Perez will be dropped from the team health insurance plan contingent on whether the Mets can prove that “sucking” is a pre-existing condition.

1. The Mets will introduce yet another alternate jersey in June.  On this jersey, the Mets logo will be replaced with…

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Who Shot Jon Niese? Mystery Surrounds Mets Latest Injury

The Mets are calling Jon Niese's injury a hamstring issue.  Do you believe them?  Judging by the buzz flying around the internet you don't.  The Apple has found out the truth.

Thanks to a mole in the Mets medical staff, The Apple has learned that Jon Niese was actually felled by a low caliber bullet fired from an unknown assailant.  While early speculation centered around a member of Los Marlins or a disgruntled fan, the Mets have now focused their investigation on three suspects within or close to the Mets organization.

Suspect 1: Oliver Perez
Perez is the easy pick here.  Motivated by a desire to return to the rotation without actually having to pitch better, Ollie had a clear shot from the bullpen and could have very easily taken Neise down.  Additionally he could have done the deed anonymously because currently no one on or around the team even wants to look at him.

Suspect 2: Hisanori Takahashi
Why would someone who already has a spot on the rotation take out a fellow starter?  Fear.  Takahashi, who has become comfortable in the bullpen role is afraid of being exposed as a starter.  By taking out Niese, Takahashi could have been hoping that the Mets would be forced to go to him in relief and bring up someone else to start.

Suspect 3: Bob Melvin
Melvin's name has been the one most commonly brought up when the discussion turns to the next Mets manager.  Perhaps tired of waiting, Melvin decided to take a pro-active approach and hasten Manuel's departure.

The investigation is likely to drag on, and while these three are the prime suspects, there could be other names brought into the conversation before this mess is all over.

What's your opinion?  Do you have a theory we missed?  Leave us a comment.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Applesauce: The Week That Was In Fictional Mets News

While you could have slept through this weeks Mets action and not missed a thing, here at The Apple it was a busy week getting you the news that other so called Mets websites are too afraid to report.

On Monday we found out that the stress of losing to this Mets team can be too much to handle for some people.  Meanwhile on Tuesday the Mets ownership found yet another way to make a buck off a bad situation.  Wednesday was all about continuing our "too much, too soon" love affair with a certain young ballplayer whose name rhymes with "Mike Mavis".  We risked life and limb on Thursday to show you the horrifying truth behind "The Animal" and on Friday we broke the really gross story behind the newest name for the Marlins ballpark.  Finally, on Saturday, we honored the greatest pants in the history of the Mets organization. 

In a non-fictional aside, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the positive feedback you have given the Apple in it's early days.  I wasn't sure how people would feel about this kind of a site and it is good too see there are so many of you with similarly twisted minds out there who enjoy this stuff.  Please feel free to write me at with comments, story ideas or even criticism.  I love it all.  We also have a Facebook Page you can be a fan of.  On that page I'll occasionally mix some actual thoughts on the real Mets team.  See you tomorrow with fresh content and Let's Go Mets!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Greatest Pants In New York Mets History

For this edition of Gum Stain Saturdays, we take a look at a card I pulled from a pack of 2010 Topps Series 1 this week.  I thought I had every insert card there was but then I found this one. 

Andrew over at Sports Card Forum confirmed that this is a short print parallel card printed as part of the tales of the game series.   The card celebrates the greatest pair of pants to ever wear a Mets player. 

Little is known about the origins of Lee Mazzilli's pants.  There are many theories.  Some believe they were struck by lightning while in the factory.  Others believe they are some kind of alien symbiote that fell to Earth and sought out Mazzilli in the same way Spider Man got his black suit.

What we do know is that no one had ever worn them tighter before and no one has since. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  For real Baseball Card info check out

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mets Game Postponed Due To Stadium Renaming

Mets fans will have to wait an extra day for a chance to get the taste of last night's loss out of their collective mouths.  Major League Baseball has announced that the Friday May 14th game has been postponed to accommodate stadium changes necessitated by yet another re-naming of the Marlins home ballpark.

Name changes are nothing new to the ballpark.  Past names include Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphin Stadium, LandShark Stadium, Pollo Tropical Field, Precious Based On The Novel Push by Sapphire Stadium, Chico's Bail Bonds Field & Field.

The stadium will make it's debut on Saturday as Tampax Pearl Stadium.  Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria sees the move as a positive.  "While we hate to have to reschedule a game, we feel this change allows us to connect with our female fans in a whole new way.", Loria told The Apple this morning. "In the end, we feel this will lead to a much more intimate experience for the fans."

The game will be made up tomorrow as part of the Marlins newest promotion: "Double Absorbent Double-Headers"

So why did they need to cancel a game just to change some signs?  Stadium construction worker Luis Cabrerra explains, "We could have done the signs in a day but the want us to change the foul poles to look like one of those lady things. Do I have to say what it's called?"

No Luis, you don't.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Chris "The Animal" Carter Terrifies Fans and Terrorizes Teammates

The Mets may have a problem on their hands with Chris Carter.  SNY has tried to play up the lighter side of his eccentric behavior and "Animal" nickname but the Apple has found out the truth.

Carter, the genetic result of a government experiment that ran out of funding in the mid-90's, has some strange behaviors.  His unusual DNA can lead to a few quirks which play well for the camera such as his constant fidgeting and inability to sit down.  While these seem harmless, there are deeper issues at play that not everyone is aware of.

"This guy is not 'The Animal' like they say.  This guy is an actual animal.", said Mets catcher Josh Thole when he was sure Carter could not hear.  "Since he got here, he's been lashing out and trying to show dominance.  On Tuesday, Takahashi's interpreter asked him for the time.  Chris bit him."

Besides the biting, there has been the issue of Carter "marking his territory" all over the clubhouse.  "He did that all over the bullpen.", said Mets pitcher Jon Neise.  "I mean, why does he even need to go to the bullpen.  It stinks to high heaven in there."

In just a couple of  days with the club, Carter has reportedly "marked" the locker room, dugout, bullpen, home plate, Shake Shack & Jay Horowitz's office.

The Mets seem willing to put up with his antics but yesterday Carter may have crossed a line.  During BP a squirrel was darting around the outfield.  Carter chased it down and took a bite out of it right in front of a group of horrified fans.  Omar Minaya was set to discipline Carter for the act but chickened out when The Animal growled at him.

 Despite this, Jerry Manuel is not concerned.    Manuel told The Apple that the trick was to speak to Chris in a firm tone and use a rolled up newspaper when necessary.

The team travels to Florida today.  Carter was reportedly shipped in a large crate.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ike Davis Becomes First Mets Player Honored With Statue At Citi Field

Ike Davis ended another game last night with what has become his signature flip into the dugout. In his short time with the Mets, Davis has flipped his way into the hearts of Mets fans and now it appears he also has some fans in the Mets front office.

In a surprisingly quick move the Mets today unveiled a new statue in front of the Jackie Robinson Rotunda. The bronze statue depicts Ike Davis making one of his signature catches over the railing of the Mets dugout. The statue is located in a planter adjacent to the old home run apple. Accompanying the statue is a plaque commemorating the catch.

Fans arriving early to the Mets/Nationals day game were surprised to see a statue honoring a play that happened last night. Reaction was mostly positive. "It's about (expletive deleted) time they figure out how to make statues here." said Mets fan Shannon S. "I just wish it was a guy who played at least a full season with the team. How about Lee Mazzili?"

The Mets promise this is just the beginning as they hope to unveil even more obscure statues as the year goes on. The Apple has heard rumors that a Steve Beiser statue has already been commisioned by the team.

As for Davis himself, one can only wonder if all this attention has gone to his head?

"It's a pretty big honor but I deserve it.", Davis told The Apple. "I mean look around, it's pretty obvious that I am bigger than Jesus around here. Nothing can stop me! Heck, I'm even gonna be on the cover of Sports Illustrated next week."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mets Cashing In On Windblown Debris

By now you probably have already heard Mets VP Dave Howard's comments on the benefits of wind blown debris.  But what you may not know is that Mr. Howard's comments are just the tip of the iceberg.  At a small press conference today, Howard announced that the Mets will be partnering with Majestic to create a line of merchandise made entirely out of trash collected from the Citi Field outfield.

"We have identified a unique marketing opportunity and we wanted to seize it while we had the chance.", said Howard.  "With the growing popularity of items like game used jerseys and game used dirt and equipment we saw a chance to combine both.  This is actual trash that has been on the field at Citi Field.  Some of it was even retrieved by the players themselves and now you can wear it!  Our fans are going to love it."

The shirts themselves will be a patchwork of various windblown debris and garbage which commonly includes hot dog wrappers, napkins, cardboard trays and Phillies caps.  After being collected the trash is washed and sent to a factory in China to be assembled into clothing.

The shirts, which will retail for $34.99 will be available at the Mets clubhouse shop at the Jackie Robinson Rotunda.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Traffic Snarls On Tappan Zee Bridge as Bengie Molina Threatens To Jump

The San Francisco Giants were able to escape NY with a win on Sunday.  They were not able to escape with their catcher however.  Late Sunday afternoon, Giants catcher wandered out onto the Tappan Zee Bridge and threatened to jump.

Carrying a homemade sign and shouting unintelligible comments about his family and Mets GM Omar Minaya, Molina held up traffic for hours until he was finally talked down by a police negotiator. 

Michael Franzese of Pearl River was on his way home and ended up near the front of the traffic jam.  "I was able to make out some of what he was saying.", said Franzese.   "He was mostly mumbling stuff about moving his family and he kept asking to see Kevin Burkhardt."  Franzese told us he empathized with the Giants backstop.  "It's gotta be hard for the guy.  Signing for way less than he thought he would get and then having to watch the guys the Mets signed instead of him get treated like heroes right in front of him.  I guess it was all just too much."

In total the ordeal lasted over 4 hours and snarled traffic on I-87 all the way back to the Bronx.  In the end the only way for police to get him down was to promise him a second year.  Police said no charges will be filed against Molina but he will be required to attend mandatory counseling.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Applesauce: What did we learn this week?

Another week of the 2010 season has passed and what have we learned kids?

Personally I learned that there is such a thing as too much tequila on Cinco De Mayo. 

Kentucky Derby big bet winner Glen Fullerton learned there's no such thing as a sure thing.

Carlos Beltran learned that if he doesn't return to baseball activity soon, the Mets are not above tazing him.

The Mets learned that when Rod Barajas wants a day off, Rod Barajas gets a day off.

Jason Bay learned that it is very easy to fall in with the wrong crowd.

Die hard card collectors learned that there is nothing card companies won't make a relic card out of.

Last but not least, hopefully you learned that The Apple is the best place to put the cares of the baseball season behind you and have a few laughs.

See you next week.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of these stories. 

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Hard To Find Bobby V Card Is A Collectors Dream

For this week I asked Andrew over at SportsCardForum to hook me up with one of the most hard to find Mets cards he had and he came up with this little gem from 2001.  This is a Fleer "Masters of Disguise" card featuring Bobby Valentine.

For those too young or too drunk to remember, Bobby like to get tossed from games and return wearing various disguises.  What makes this card special is that if features a swatch of one of Bobby's game used mustaches.  This card is one of only 4 ever printed due to the limited amount of access Fleer had to those little fake mustaches.

Apparently Bobby only used two of these things and Fleer was only able to obtain one of them.  The other has apparently been sent to Cooperstown for use in their "Great Moments Of Jackassery" exhibit.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  For real Baseball Card info check out

Friday, May 7, 2010

Bay's Partying Becoming An Issue For Mets Brass

They say it takes players a year to adjust to New York.  While this may be proving true for Jason Bay on the field, he is apparently having no problem adjusting off of it.   An anonymous member of the Mets front office told the Apple today that upon returning from Cincinnati, the Mets left fielder was called into a meeting with management about his off the field activities.

After doing a little digging around, The Apple has uncovered this photo taken at McFaddens earlier this year which seems to justify the Mets concern.

Rafael Rojas is a bouncer at McFaddens and he seems to believe Bay may have fallen victim to some outside influences.  "Right off the bat, we started seeing him in here a lot.", says Rojas.  "Then he got mixed up with Cowbell Man and things really started to get crazy."

Rojas told us that Cowbell Man, who was already notorious around Flushing for his wild behavior, took Bay under his wing and the partying got crazier as Bay's performance suffered.  "He wasn't even getting changed after games.", Rojas recalls.  "He was coming in here in full uniform."

With his performance not making the grade on the field, the Mets are putting their foot down.  As of Friday, Bay is banned from McFadden's and the team has threatened to fine him if he is caught out with Cowbell Man again.

Cowbell Man declined to comment.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For more info on the awesome new McFaddens at Citi Field, visit

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Breaking News: Barajas "Calls In Sick" To Cincy Finale

The Mets will be using the old "day game after night game" mantra, but the Apple knows better.

A source close to the Apple informed us this morning that when the Mets take the field this afternoon for their rubber game against the Reds, it will be without catcher Rod Barajas.   Barajas, who hit a go ahead solo homer in the ninth inning of last nights Mets victory, has reportedly called in sick to observe the Mexican holiday of Cinco De Mayo.

Though born in California, Barajas has always felt an intense pride for his Mexican roots.  Last year he played for the Mexican national team in the World Baseball Classic.  We tried to contact Barajas to confirm his unavailability for today's game but when we reached him on the phone it was clear that he had already begun "celebrating" the holiday and most of what he said was unintelligible, though we are pretty sure we heard something about Arizona in there somewhere.

With Barajas out, the Mets will turn to Henry Blanco to take over the catching duties.  Blanco, who most fans believe is Mexican, is actually from Venezuela and has no problem playing today.

In another report, it is rumored that fellow Mexican Oliver Perez will also be taking the day off.  We tried to confirm this, but we couldn't find anyone who cared.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mets Hire Philadelphia Tazing Cop As "Injury Motivator"

When Omar Minaya saw the footage of a Philadelphia police officer tazing a rowdy fan on Monday night, he knew what his next move was going to be immediately.  Minaya quickly got on the phone and contacted the Philadelphia police department to inquire about the officers availability.

The plan?  Minaya feels that this man and his "Tazer of Justice" could be just the motivational tool needed to speed up the convalescence of injured Mets players, in particularly, Carlos Beltran.

"We need guys like Murphy and Beltran back with the big club and we think this guy can help us get there sooner with his unique motivational approach.", Minaya told the Apple via cell phone last night.  "This guy can beat you in so many ways.  I mean literally beat you.  He has sticks, guns, pepper spray and of course, that wonderful tazer."

Beltran could not be reached for comment but according to Minaya, the Mets expect him to begin working with the officer later this week.  In a possibly unrelated note, Mike Pelfrey released a statement today saying he feels much better.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were tazed in the writing of this story.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Derby "Lucky Bet" Winner Fullerton Loses Winnings on Mets

Glen Fullerton was on the hot streak of a lifetime.  First the computer programmer from Houston, TX wins CNBC's "Call The Close" contest for a chance to bet $100,000 on the Kentucky Derby.  Then he chose a 9-1 horse named Super Saver and hit a $900,000 jackpot when the horse won this Saturday's Kentucky Derby.  It was all too easy for Fullerton, so you can understand why he might have been feeling invincible when he put his $900,000 winnings on the dependable left arm of Mets ace Johan Santana.

"This guy is so consistent.", said Fullerton, in a special pre-game press conference before Sunday nights Mets-Phillies matchup.  "If they score a few runs for him, I can't lose."

As it turns out, the Mets would have needed to score 12 runs as Santana turned in the worst performance of his career in an 11-5 loss that cost the Mets first place and cost Fullerton almost a million dollars.  Was the enormous bet going through the mind of the usually reliable lefty?

"Maybe...I don't know.", Santana told The Apple after the game.  "It was definitely on my mind before the game.  I even talked to Oliver Perez about how to deal with so much undeserved money being on the line and he gave me some advice but I thought I was in a good place mentally when I took the mound.  I guess maybe I was still thinking about it."

Santana will throw next against the Giants at Citi Field over the weekend.  As for Fullerton, he will return to his computer programming job in Houston with empty pockets and one heck of a story to tell.

The lesson in all of this?  Whether it's baseball or horse racing: There's no such thing as a sure thing.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

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