Monday, January 31, 2011

Caption This: Turns Out You Don't Need Photoshop After All

Go check out this link where you can add your own text to this picture of Shea.  Here's mine:

(Hat tip to Shannon at Mets Police for making me aware of this)

Kerel Cooper Is A Handsome Man and 3 Other Things I Learned Hanging Out With Other Mets Bloggers

In case you haven't already read about it on Mets Police or On The Black, a few of us got together on Saturday night to celebrate our hopeless addiction to Mets baseball.  The group consisted of Kerel Cooper (On The Black), Shannon Shark (Mets Police) and Mike Donato (Optimistic Mets Fan). Personally for me it was an enlightening evening as I learned a lot about the Mets and life in general.  Here are a few of the things I learned:

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Mets Turn To Groupon To Boost Sagging Season Ticket Sales

Move over Fred Coupon, here comes Fred Groupon?  Just one day after announcing that Mets ownership would be looking to sell off about 25% of the team, the Mets unveiled a new deal on the popular coupon website Groupon.com.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Breaking News: Nigerian Prince Out. Wilpons Seeking New Minority Partner

It was a somber tone at Citi Field this afternoon as that Mets announced that Clement Okon, the Nigerian Prince who Fred Wilpon had partnered with last season, was being ousted from the Mets ownership group.

Hi My Name Is Bobby And I'll Be Your Bartender Tonight

Aruba...Jamaica...Ooooh I wanna take ya
Those of you who live in the vicinity of Ridgefield, CT are in for treat on February 3rd when local traffic cop and former baseball manager Bobby Valentine will be serving up drinks for charity at Toscana restaurant in Ridgefield.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jeff Francoeur Clearance Sale Update: $5.52 With Less Than 24 Hours To Go

Time is running out if you want to own a ball signed by one of the greatest most colorful Mets of all time.  Click here to bid.

New York City's Most Expensive Shovel Man Back At Work

Many people criticized the decision of Mayor Bloomberg to trade for the contract of Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo earlier this month but if mother nature continues to pile on the white stuff, the city may very well get their money's worth.

Welcome To The Apple 2.0: New Look, Same Stupidity

You asked for it and now you're getting it.  Today the Apple rolls out our new site design.  Of course nothing is ever final on here so I need you guys to let me know what's working for you and what's not.  If there's something on here that's useless let me know and out it goes.  If there's something not on here that you want let me know that too.  I will do my best to get it on here.  Send your comments to me via email at readtheapple@gmail.com, via twitter @readtheapple or on The Apple's Facebook Page.  Thanks for your support.  I look forward to your suggestions and I hope you enjoy the new look.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Obama's Blogger Beer Summit Ends Tensions, Restores Apple To Original Ownership

The owners of Metsblog.com and The Apple came together today at the request of President Obama and came to agreement that would end this half assed gimmick to cover my site redesign...er I mean feud.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Obama Calls For An End To Blog War

During his State Of The Union speech President Barack Obama today called for an end to the occupation of The Apple by Metsblog.com.  Randy Medina and Matt Cerrone have been invited to rose garden at the White House for a beer summit tomorrow that will hopefully end this blog war.  Stay tuned to The Apple for more details.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple
 

Chris Young Disappointed That The Courtship With Mets Brass Is Over

On Monday January 17th Chris Young finally put ink to paper and signed with the New York Mets for the coming 2011 season. It's been known for a long time that the Mets had been in discussion with Young and his agent but we have learned that the wooing started way back on October 28th, 2010 the day Sandy Alderson assumed the job of Mets GM.

Save The Apple: The Story So Far...

In case you missed it, Matt Cerrone of Metsblog.com seized ownership of my blog yesterday.  I am currently in hiding at a secret location which may be in the Hoth system but could also be my apartment.  Media Goon from metspolice.com has been circulating this video of the attack.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Jeff Francoeur Clearance Sale: Update

For those interested in buying The Apple's Jeff Francoeur autographed baseball on eBay, it's currently been bid up to $5.02.  Frenchy's starting to get embarrassed.

Metsblog Annexes The Apple In Hostile Takeover

Unlimited Power!!!
If you are reading this than you are my last hope.  Moments ago, Metsblog's Matt Cerrone and his lieutenants Ted Berg and Michael Baron blasted their way into the offices of The Apple and have claimed ownership over my website.  I am currently barricaded in a small room and am typing this from under a desk.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Signing Chris Young Will Improve Mets Spring Basketball Squad

The Apple has learned the true reason for the Mets' recent signing of the mammoth 6'10" pitcher Chris Young.

It seems that the major league teams who train in Florida have a players-only basketball league and have had one for years. Not only have the Mets had problems playing baseball but the hoops squad hasn't been good since the days of Dave Kingman and Darryl Strawberry.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Jeff Francoeur Clearance Sale: These Prices Are Not A Damn Joke

Do you love Jeff Francoeur?  Are you a big Royals fan? Do you hate Citi Field? Do you have a dollar?  If you answered yes to any of these questions then come on down to the Jeff Francoeur clearance sale going on now at The Apple.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Chris Young Passes State Of The Art Mets Physical

Earlier this week, the Mets newest pitcher Chris Young met with the team's crack medical staff and passed their new state of the art physical exam.  The exam, administered by Dr. James Kildare consisted of a standard bleeding, followed by some leech therapy and concluded with some mild electro shock.  Young reportedly passed all tests with flying colors.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Daniel Larusso's Gonna Fight...For A Spot In The Mets Outfield

Willie Harris, Scott Hairston and now Daniel Larusso.  In keeping with their recent trend of signing anyone and everyone affordable who might be able to help in the outfield, the Mets have extended a spring training invite to fictional character Daniel Larusso.

The oft-injured Larusso is expected to compete for a spot in the crowded Mets outfield.  Though not possessing much skill or coordination, Larusso's biggest asset seems to be his incredible tolerance for pain and his ability to recover quickly from a beating.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Mets Announce Plan To Cut Costs In 2011 By Only Showing Public Domain Movies At Citi Field

Ever since stadiums and arenas began getting big screen scoreboards installed, it has become a tradition to fire up the crowd with a scene from an inspirational sports film like Hoosiers or maybe get a laugh out of the fans with a clip from Bull Durham.  But what many of you may not realize is that this is also big business.  Hollywood studios have become more and more diligent about checking up on where these clips are being shown and demanding royalties be paid accordingly.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Non-Mets Quickie: Unfortunate Phone Number Of The Week

Almeida Heating Oil: Was behind this truck this morning.  Don't get me wrong, I want my home to be warm.  I'm just not sure I want it THAT warm.

Mets Plan To Test Robotic Manager Prototype This Season In Minors

You may have seen that IBM Corporation which in the past created Big Blue, a Grand Master caliber chess playing computer program, has adapted it to the TV game Jeopardy. It's called WATSON and has been having success in practice games against some of the greatest Jeopardy champions of all time.

Our investigative reporter Larry Smith has learned that Sandy Alderson, the Mets' GM, has commissioned IBM to further adapt the program for managing a professional baseball team. Not only that, but that the team plans to start using the program - working name HODGES - as early as this spring.
Smith confronted Alderson who agreed to a short interview on the spot.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011

Stuff I Never Got To Use Because The Guy Got Released: Frank Catalanotto's Baseball Revolution Video Game

I'm always playing around with Photoshop ideas for the site.  Sometimes I just don't like the idea or something happens to render the story irrelevant.  Case in point, this image from a Frank Catalanotto video game I was working on when he got released.

I'm No Political Expert But I Think This May Be The Reason People Don't Take The Tea Party Seriously

Sorry for the non-Mets post but I was just on my way back from lunch and I saw this person on Central Ave. in Yonkers.  I don't know what cause they are fighting for but if this is how they gain support I am already against it. Coincidentally, that Wendys in the background is the worst Wendys in America.

Update: Upon further review the person is selling tax preparation.  Regardless the premise remains the same.  Also upon further review, that Wendys still sucks.  

Bobby Valentine To Appear On Upcoming Episode Of Undercover Boss

Earlier this week, news broke that former Mets manager Bobby Valentine has taken a job overseeing the Police, Fire and Health departments of Stamford, Connecticut.  Valentine is a native of Stamford and see's the position as a way to give back to the city.  Of course, at the end of the day, Bobby Valentine is going to be Bobby Valentine and word is he's already up to some of his old tricks.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Link: Mets Police Provides Proof That The Mets Have Been Doing Dumb Things For Decades

Despite being my arch-enemy, Shannon over at Mets Police has uncovered indisputable evidence that the Mets were doing absurdly stupid things long before the Wilpon's got here.  Go read about the Shea ashtray at Mets Police and remember: if they've made it 50 years without spontaneously bursting into flames, maybe things can get better.

The 10 Coll-mandments: Mets Manager Terry Collins Lays Down The Law

New Mets manager Terry Collins has gone over "The Book" which is the unwritten text of how the game of baseball should be played. He will play "by the book" sometimes and might veer from it at other times.

He then went further back to "The Good Book" and was so moved by its contents that in his Biblical zeal he has posted the following in the Mets' clubhouse in Port St. Lucie.  Frankly we were surprised to find out that Collins even read The Apple but we're glad to hear he's a fan.

Chris Young To Mets Being Held Up By Name Change

According to reports, the Mets are getting close to signing right handed pitcher Chris Young. Young reportedly likes the Mets. The Mets reportedly like Young. So what's the hold up. According to sources, it could be his name.

New Mets GM Sandy Alderson reportedly has a preference for alliterative names which he has demonstrated with the signings of Boof Bonser, Chris Capuano and Taylor Tankersley. The Mets have gone as far as to require a name change if Young wants to sign with New York.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snow Day: Mets Trade Perez and Castillo To New York City Sanitation Department

In a surprise move on Wednesday, the New York Mets announced that they have traded Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo to the NYC Department of Sanitation to assist in snow removal.  The terms of the deal haven't been entirely released but it is being rumored that the Mets will receive cash considerations and a special unlimited gold Metrocard for Fred Wilpon.

Snow Day Activity: Mets Mad Libs By Larry Smith

All this snow giving you cabin fever? Well you're in luck because Larry Smith whipped up a little game you can play with a friend, co-worker or by yourself. Just print out Larry's Mets Mad Libs after the break and enjoy. Then, go on twitter and tell @dr4sight what you think. He loves feedback.

Snow Day! A Word From The Mayor

Hopefully most of you didn't have to work today.  If you did I hope you made it in safely and without incident.  Whether you're home or at work, sit back with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy Fred Armisen's spot on portrayal of Mayor Bloomberg from this past Saturday's SNL.  Armisen even manages to capture hizzoner's permanent "that time of the month" demeanor. My favorite part comes when the faux-Bloomie advises New Yorkers on what to do if they run out of food. Video after the break. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Hall Of Fame Reveals Design Of Alomar Plaque, Glosses Over Mets Career

The Hall Of Fame released this image of Roberto Alomar's plaque today.  It's probably the best we can ask for as Mets fans.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Link: Ted Berg's Hilarious Review Of Tron: Legacy

Besides giving me an excuse to break out this graphic, Ted Berg also gives us a hilarious write up on Tron: Legacy and some interesting insight into seeing movies by yourself.  I almost spit my drink all over my computer when I read this line:
"The plot is that the Bad Guy has captured the Old Guy and now the Cool Guy has to recsue him, with or without help from the David Bowie Guy. Some of them aren’t actually people and most of them are Jeff Bridges."
 Read the rest over at TedQuarters.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Blogger War: I Will Not Lose

So apparently, the guys over at Mets Police though it would be cute to blow up an Apple in effigy as part of our escalating beef.  That's fine guys, have your fun.  But just remember that you shouldn't piss off the guy who does 90% of the graphics for your little website. Enjoy.



Disclaimer: In case you haven't figured it out yet, this beef is about as real as the stories on my website. Please enjoy these in the spirit intended.

 

Better Simpsons Reference: Mets or Jets?

Though not the first time for either team, the Mets and Jets were both referenced by the Simpsons this season.  The Jets were a part of Bart's misunderstanding of West Side Story this Sunday while earlier this season Homer had an interesting take on the 69 Mets, more specifically, Ron Swoboda.

Check out the Jets clip here, but for my money, this is the winner.

PS- Sorry for the subtitles but at least you can learn to say "The 69 Mets will live on forever" in French.

video

Photo: Mets Pitcher R.A. Dickey Participates In "No Pants Subway Ride"

Mets knuckleball specialist R.A. Dickey took part in the 10th annual "No Pants Subway Ride" on Sunday.  Our photographer caught up with Dickey waiting for a train at the Union Sq. subway station.  When he was asked why he participates in the No Pants Subway Ride, Dickey responded, "What the hell is that?"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Capuano To Instruct Mets Relievers/Manager On Segway Use

Apparently the Mets had an ulterior motive when they acquired Chris Capuano last week.  On Sunday in Port St. Lucie that motive became clear.   The Mets presented Capuano, a Segway enthusiast, with his own Mets branded Segway at their spring training complex.  But the gift does not come without a few strings attached.

According to reports, the Mets plan to use identical Segways to transport relievers from the bullpen to the mound as well as bring their manager out to make substitutions and argue with umpires.  Capuano, who welcomes the special assignment, worked with Terry Collins on a back field and offered his assessment. "He's a fast learner.", said Capuano.  "When he really gets the hang of this thing he is going to have Jose Reyes type speed.  He'll be able to be in the third base umps face before the poor guy knows what hit him."

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Apple Mobile: Now Officially A Thing

Good news everyone! The Apple is now easier to read and way more versatile than Luis Castillo.  Thanks to blogger finally getting mobile functionality, you can now enjoy your favorite fake Mets news website even easier when you are on the go.  Starting today, when you log on to The Apple from a smart phone you will automatically be taken to the easier to read mobile theme. (Which I think looks a lot better than the Mets Police's silly mobile theme.)  Prefer the web layout?  No problem, just scroll down and click on on "web version" and it'll be like none of this ever happened.  Enjoy! 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Blogger War: Fixing The Mets Police Movie Trailer

So apparently, after feeling threatened by The Apple, the guys over at Mets Police spent all this money and bought some kind of fancy movie equipment to "compete" with what I do on the cheesy Windows Movie Maker that came on my netbook.  To be fair the "Movie Trailer" they came up with was pretty good, but it lacked a certain element to make it a movie people would want to see.

I fixed it for them at no charge.  Watch the video after the jump and see if you even notice the difference.

Ted "Golden Voice" Williams To Join Cast Of SNY's Beer Money

The internet is abuzz this week with constant updates about Ted Williams.  No not that Ted Williams.  Ted "The Golden Voice" Williams made national headlines this week with his touching story of a flawed man with a golden voice.

Since video of his voice went viral earlier this week the homeless man has been inundated with offers from everything from TV to radio.  Never one to miss an opportunity, SNY has made a formal offer to Williams to join the cast of the networks highest rated show, re-runs of Beer Money.

Friday, January 7, 2011

These Are The Breaks (Kurtis Blow Sold Seperately)

In case you haven't noticed, the front page of The Apple is going to look a little different now.  Now you will have more posts on the front page and these little "read more" buttons to get you to the rest of these posts.

Why the change?

Well actually it's been something I wanted to do for a while but when I started this blog I knew a lot about photoshopping Fred Wilpon's head on a peanut vendors body, but very little about html.  So whenever I learn something new I try to put it to use.  Let's practice by using the button now to finish reading this post.

Mets Police's Awesome Mets 2011 Trailer

In the latest salvo of the ongoing "beef" between The Apple and Mets Police, someone calling themselves "Media Goon" put together this amazing movie trailer style promo for the upcoming Mets season.  While it is no surprise that Mr. Shark over at Mets Police has resorted to hired goons, I have to say this video is a thousand times better than what the Mets have put out so far.  As an added bonus this video does not include a Sandy Alderson robo-call.  Well done Goon!  Watch the video after the jump and then go here and tell Shannon to fight me one on one like a man.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ray Ramirez Fired From Second Straight Winter Job, Blamed For Massive Fish Death In Maryland

Ray Ramirez's winter of discontent continued on Wednesday when he was let go from his second job of the winter.  In December, the Mets trainer was fired from his job as strength and conditioning coach for the Broadway musical Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark.  Now it appears Ramirez will be looking for work again as he has been let go from his new position with the Maryland Department of the Environment.

Stock Up During The Huge Sale At The 7 Line...Do It Now!

 
Hey guys, besides having some of the coolest Mets tattoos I've ever seen, our buddy Darren over at the The7Line.com is also having a big sale right now.  Now is the perfect time to stock up on Mets themed tees for next season at super low prices. Everything is on sale starting NOW! 50% off on most items, all hoodies discounted and some shirts as low as $5! Limited sizes and quantities in all items.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Terry Collins Going Through Rigorous Pre-Season Workout To Get Back Into "Fiery" Shape

One of the keys to the new Mets culture is its new manager. You see everything about the team in 2011 is new... well except for the players.

Terry Collins has been named to the position of "fiery manager" having replaced Jerry Manuel, "cool manager", who in turn, replaced Willie Randolph, "complacent manager."

Kevin Burkhardt Needs To Be More Careful What He Tweets

SNY frontman Kevin Burkhardt should know better by now that if he's going to insist on tweeting things like this:

My son has pajama day at school. I'm pretty sure I'm going to emulate that at home...less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

I have no choice but to post this:
Nice feet Kev, though Rex Ryan probably would disagree.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Investigative Report: Mets Blood Drive Is A Cover For Alderson's Sinister P.E.D. Plot

Alderson tours his secret blood farming lab at Citi Field
When Sandy Alderson was hired by the Mets there were some calls in the press for the new Mets GM to apologize for his implied role in the steroid era. While this was initially dismissed by many, a shocking report filed by a now missing Apple investigative reporter suggests that perhaps Ian O'Connor was on to something.

The Mets will hold their annual blood drive this week and while our initial response was to praise the team for supporting a good cause, we were shocked when our reporter sent us this picture.  According to our reporter, the image shows Sandy Alderson touring what appears to be a secret blood farming facility deep below Citi Field.  (Presumably near the Mets cloning lab)

Before disappearing, our reporter told us that the new Mets GM is planning to use the blood drive as a cover to provide his team with an endless supply of clean blood for circumventing MLB drug testing.  With this supply readily available, Alderson would be free to pump the current mets players with enough P.E.D.'s to make the Bash Brothers look like the Lollipop Guild.

As part of the plan, fans giving blood will be screened on site.  If any red flags are raised you will be given tickets and sent on your way.  If your blood is clean however, you will be invited to another room for "a chance to meet David Wright".  Sadly only a cardboard cutout of the Mets third baseman will be waiting for you but by the time you figure this out you will have already been sedated and hooked up to a machine. Whether or not your family receives your two tickets is unclear.

When we last heard from our reporter he was on his way to confront Alderson about the plan.  The communication ended there.  If you plan to give blood at Citi Field we urge you to exercise extreme caution.  At the very least, eat a poppy seed bagel on your way to the ballpark.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For more info in the real Mets Blood Drive click here. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Monday, January 3, 2011

Postcard From The Edge: Oliver Perez Checks In With The Apple

We make a lot of jokes about Oliver Perez here at The Apple, but a lot of you may not know that Ollie is actually a good friend of The Apple.  In fact it has been documented that I am one of the 6 people in the world who owns an Ollie P jersey.  During the offseason, Ollie checks in with us frequently via text and email. 

Yesterday we received a postcard from our favorite pitcher and we thought we'd share it with you in hopes of showing the world a more human side of Oliver Perez.  For the record, Ollie writes me in Spanish but I will translate to make it easier.

Randy,

How are you?  Are you excited for Opening Day?  I am working hard here in Mexico and I think I am making great improvements.  Yesterday I threw a no-hitter.  well, sort of.  You see, I walked 36 guys in a row and then they called the game due to darkness.  I'm not sure if that is a no-hitter but either way my stuff was unhittable.  Doctors even said that the fan in the third row that I beaned will make a full recovery.  Culiacan is nice, but I can't wait to get back to the bullpen at Citi Field.  The bullpen bench here is not padded and gives me splinters.  Also the hotels and restaurants here are not exactly the quality that a millionaire like myself is accustomed to. I have to go now. The manager wants me to throw BP now that the new screen to protect the hitters has arrived.  

Your Friend,
Oliver

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Back From The Fringe: The Apple Spends New Years In An Alternate Dimension

I've never seen the show but those of you who watch FRINGE on Fox know that one of the story arcs involves a parallel universe with people occasionally passing over to it and returning. While I assumed that this was just sci-fi stuff , we decided to see if our intrepid reporter Larry Smith could go over and tell us about the state of baseball in that other universe. Incrediby, he did it and just got back. Here's his report:

I guess it should be to no one's surprise that we are definitely in the wrong universe to be Mets fans. On the other side the Mets, playing in their gorgeous new ballpark, Hodges Field, are a perennial powerhouse and make it to the playoffs almost every year. They sell out the place regularly and have a money stream that allows them to buy any free agents they want.  And they do all this while sporting epic parallel dimension goatees.

The team missed out on the 2010 World Series being defeated by their arch-rival the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Buccos, led by 3-time MVP Ronnie Cedeno (.347-22-110) and Gold Glove centerfielder Lastings Milledge were just too much for the Mets to keep up with in the NL championship series.

The Mets got another great year from Luis Castillo (.333-6-87-65 sb) and closer Bobby Parnell. Parnell still fools people. For a guy who can't get his fastball over 85 mph he just keeps racking up the K's with his offspeed stuff and pinpoint control. The starters were fronted by 19 game winner Oliver Perez. If he could ever figure out how to get lefties out he'd be just unstoppable.

It's not going well over in the Bronx however where their new ballpark, Bob's Discount Furniture Stadium, has cavernously deep fences and attendance is poor. The team hasn't made the playoffs in a decade and is in such a financial bind that the Steinbrenners (foolishly investing with Bernie Madoff) had to sell the team to .....James Dolan. So there is no end in sight for their misery.  If that wasn't enough, I really knew I was in a different universe when I head "lifelong Mets fan" Mike Francesa trashing the Bombers all afternoon on WFAN.

Finally before returning I tried to stop in to meet with media mogul Randy Medina. His office is on one of the top four floors of the Read-the-Apple State Building in midtown which THE APPLE ENTERPRISES INC rents out.  His phalanx of secretaries and junior executives successfully prevented me from getting in to see him. They did suggest however that perhaps I should go to talk to that newcomer Matt Cerrone over at that upstart and rarely visited website, Metsblog.com.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Randy Medina & Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight 

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