Thursday, January 13, 2011

The 10 Coll-mandments: Mets Manager Terry Collins Lays Down The Law

New Mets manager Terry Collins has gone over "The Book" which is the unwritten text of how the game of baseball should be played. He will play "by the book" sometimes and might veer from it at other times.

He then went further back to "The Good Book" and was so moved by its contents that in his Biblical zeal he has posted the following in the Mets' clubhouse in Port St. Lucie.  Frankly we were surprised to find out that Collins even read The Apple but we're glad to hear he's a fan.

I. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL - unless receiving a sign from the Gates of Hale and lest thee have a lead that befits thee.
II. HONOR THY COACHES AND MANAGER - for they are the ones chosen by the holder of the Saber of Knowledge, the Son of Alder.
III. WORSHIP THEE NOT AT THE ALTAR OF FAUX HUSTLE - Slideth not into first base lest ye be judged as Alomarish and hence shunned by fans and teammates for all thine days.
IV. JUDGETH NOT THY TEAMMATES' JUNK IN THE SHOWER - lest your junk be judged. This is part of the team's Asketh Not/Telleth Not Policy.
V. THOU SHALT NOT KILL - anything but a fat pitch when ahead on the count.
VI. LOOKETH BACK NOT TO SEE IF STRUCK BALL IS FAIR OR FOUL - Runneth out everything whilst you wear the uniform of Met. Attend to this collmandment Jose of Reyes.
VII. COVET NOT ANOTHER TEAM'S UNI - Thou shalt have no other team than Mets (lest ye be traded or released). Whilst thou art a Met cravest not to be a Phillie, Red Sock, or (Heavens forgive me) a Yankee.
VIII. BUNTETH NOT LEST YE BE COMMANDED - I and I alone shalt decide who and what will be sacrificed. And that goes to you especially - Luis of Worthless. Thy outs are precious - squander them not.
IX. PLAY HARD ON THE SABBATH - and for the six days that follow it.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

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