Saturday, January 1, 2011

Back From The Fringe: The Apple Spends New Years In An Alternate Dimension

I've never seen the show but those of you who watch FRINGE on Fox know that one of the story arcs involves a parallel universe with people occasionally passing over to it and returning. While I assumed that this was just sci-fi stuff , we decided to see if our intrepid reporter Larry Smith could go over and tell us about the state of baseball in that other universe. Incrediby, he did it and just got back. Here's his report:

I guess it should be to no one's surprise that we are definitely in the wrong universe to be Mets fans. On the other side the Mets, playing in their gorgeous new ballpark, Hodges Field, are a perennial powerhouse and make it to the playoffs almost every year. They sell out the place regularly and have a money stream that allows them to buy any free agents they want.  And they do all this while sporting epic parallel dimension goatees.

The team missed out on the 2010 World Series being defeated by their arch-rival the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Buccos, led by 3-time MVP Ronnie Cedeno (.347-22-110) and Gold Glove centerfielder Lastings Milledge were just too much for the Mets to keep up with in the NL championship series.

The Mets got another great year from Luis Castillo (.333-6-87-65 sb) and closer Bobby Parnell. Parnell still fools people. For a guy who can't get his fastball over 85 mph he just keeps racking up the K's with his offspeed stuff and pinpoint control. The starters were fronted by 19 game winner Oliver Perez. If he could ever figure out how to get lefties out he'd be just unstoppable.

It's not going well over in the Bronx however where their new ballpark, Bob's Discount Furniture Stadium, has cavernously deep fences and attendance is poor. The team hasn't made the playoffs in a decade and is in such a financial bind that the Steinbrenners (foolishly investing with Bernie Madoff) had to sell the team to .....James Dolan. So there is no end in sight for their misery.  If that wasn't enough, I really knew I was in a different universe when I head "lifelong Mets fan" Mike Francesa trashing the Bombers all afternoon on WFAN.

Finally before returning I tried to stop in to meet with media mogul Randy Medina. His office is on one of the top four floors of the Read-the-Apple State Building in midtown which THE APPLE ENTERPRISES INC rents out.  His phalanx of secretaries and junior executives successfully prevented me from getting in to see him. They did suggest however that perhaps I should go to talk to that newcomer Matt Cerrone over at that upstart and rarely visited website,

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Randy Medina & Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight 

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