Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Investigative Report: Mets Blood Drive Is A Cover For Alderson's Sinister P.E.D. Plot

Alderson tours his secret blood farming lab at Citi Field
When Sandy Alderson was hired by the Mets there were some calls in the press for the new Mets GM to apologize for his implied role in the steroid era. While this was initially dismissed by many, a shocking report filed by a now missing Apple investigative reporter suggests that perhaps Ian O'Connor was on to something.

The Mets will hold their annual blood drive this week and while our initial response was to praise the team for supporting a good cause, we were shocked when our reporter sent us this picture.  According to our reporter, the image shows Sandy Alderson touring what appears to be a secret blood farming facility deep below Citi Field.  (Presumably near the Mets cloning lab)

Before disappearing, our reporter told us that the new Mets GM is planning to use the blood drive as a cover to provide his team with an endless supply of clean blood for circumventing MLB drug testing.  With this supply readily available, Alderson would be free to pump the current mets players with enough P.E.D.'s to make the Bash Brothers look like the Lollipop Guild.

As part of the plan, fans giving blood will be screened on site.  If any red flags are raised you will be given tickets and sent on your way.  If your blood is clean however, you will be invited to another room for "a chance to meet David Wright".  Sadly only a cardboard cutout of the Mets third baseman will be waiting for you but by the time you figure this out you will have already been sedated and hooked up to a machine. Whether or not your family receives your two tickets is unclear.

When we last heard from our reporter he was on his way to confront Alderson about the plan.  The communication ended there.  If you plan to give blood at Citi Field we urge you to exercise extreme caution.  At the very least, eat a poppy seed bagel on your way to the ballpark.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For more info in the real Mets Blood Drive click here. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

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