Friday, April 30, 2010

Mr. Met/Phanatic Suspended After Altercation At Local Night Spot

With the Mets on a roll and an off day on the schedule, Mr. Met decided it would be a good time to head down to Philly with some friends and blow off some steam.  Unfortunately for Mr. Met, what seemed like a good idea now has the lovable Mets mascot facing a 3 game suspension and possible criminal charges.

The trouble began at around 1:AM at Chez Plushie, a popular Philadelphia night club that caters to mascot types.  Mr. Met was at the club with his entourage which included Sandy the Seagull, Buster The Bison, Cowbell Man and of course Jay Horwitz.  According to witnesses, The Philly Phanatic, who was also at the club, began to give Mr. Met "The Whammy" from across the room and Mr. Met took offense.  This only provoked the Phanatic further who then began making a choke sign at the Mr. Met.

Jim Schmidt of Allentown was at the club that night.  "At first it seemed more playful than anything.", recalls Schmidt.  "There really weren't any words being exchanged, but I guess that might because these things don't talk.  All I know is all of a sudden the fur was flying, literally."

Allegedly, Mr. Met crossed the dance floor and began choking the Phanatic.  The two began exchanging blows until they were briefly separated by members of club security.  Unfortunately the pair got loose and the fight was on again.

It was at this time that witnesses say an as yet unidentified member of Mr. Met's entourage went to his car and returned firing a 9mm handgun wildly into the club.  Fortunately, no one was hit as clubgoers rushed to flee the scene.

Philadelphia Police have taken both Mr. Met and the Phanatic into custody until they can determine what charges, if any, will be filed.

The league however is not taking a wait and see approach as both mascots are suspended for this weekend's series.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Mets Demand Payment From Plan Holders For "Extra Game"

Here at The Apple, I share a 15 game ticket plan with my staff.  Considering that the rest of my staff consists of various Mets bobbleheads, it works out well.  So you can imagine my surprise when we received this email from the Mets today:

Dear Mr. Apple,

     Thank you for your purchase of a 15 game plan this year.  We hope you are enjoying what has been a great Mets season so far.  Unfortunately, due to the rain out and subsequent double-header we have been forced to make some modifications to the plan.   Because our records indicate that you attended both games of the April 27th double-header, you are now on pace to attend 16 games.  To remedy this situation please pick one of your remaining games and send the tickets back to us at:
New York Mets
Citi Field
Roosevelt Avenue

Flushing, NY 11368-1699
Tickets must be received by May 15th.  If you do not return the tickets by this date, we will send you an invoice for $25 per seat.  In addition, since the Mets won the game we will add an additional $5 "victory fee" per seat.

We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope to see you at Citi Field at the upcoming homestand...unless of course those are the tickets you plan to return in which case we'll see you at the homestand after that.

Thank You & Let's Go Mets,
Ralph Nelson
New York Mets Ticket Office

As you can imagine we were not happy about this so we got on the phone with 718-507-TIXX and prepared to give them a piece of our mind.  After twenty minutes on hold we were put in touch with a pleasant young man named Bijoy who explained (i.e. read from a script) to us that it was only fair that the team take a game back.  He said that we would be mad if the Mets took a game from us and in a sense we had taken a game from them and that the Mets feel that when you pay for 15 games, that's what you get.  No More, No Less.  He then very politely hung up.

I guess it's true what they say: You can't fight Citi Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

1st Place Mets? Not So Fast Says Commish.

Mets fans woke up today to find their beloved Metropolitans in first place.  Time to celebrate naked in the streets, right?  Well if the Commissioner of  Baseball Bud Selig has his way, the celebration may be short lived.

Selig today met with his advisors and  representatives from the players union to discuss a possible change to the way the standings are calculated.  The idea behind the changes is simply that Selig needs teams like the Mets in the basement to maintain the illusion of parity in the league and to show that his luxury tax/revenue sharing program actually works.

The change would bring baseball into a points system similar to hockey, awarding varying points for wins and extra inning victories. While this change would not greatly affect the Mets place in the standings, there are several wrinkles that have been thrown in that seem to be almost directly aimed at keeping the Mets in the cellar.

Under the proposed plan.  Teams will receive point deductions for the following:
Latin Players - 1pt.
Boring Mascots - 1 pt.
Interviews of Non-Baseball Celebrities during telecasts - 2 pts.
Starters going less than 5 innings - 2 pts.
GM's named Omar - 3 pts.
Dreads under du-rags under baseball caps - 5 pts.
Scary Looking Players (The Henry Blanco Rule) - 10 pts.

Should the plan go into effect, the Mets would already be eliminated from post-season play.  In fact they would have been eliminated since April 10th.  

MLB officials are expected to vote on the plan on Monday, depending on what happens this weekend in Philadelphia.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Waterless Urinals: The Shocking Truth

With two games to get to today The Apple knows you don't have much time for hard hitting news so we will be brief.  Today we just wanted to share some horrifying news we received from one of our moles inside the Mets organization.

You've all heard about the waterless urinals at Citi Field.  Most if not all of our male readers have even made a deposit personally.  The Mets said they are there to save water and help the team go green.  But what you may not know is the real reason these urinals exist at Citi Field.  But first a little science.

In a nutshell, waterless urinals work by passing the urine through a sealing fluid.  The fluid is lighter than the urine so it passes right through eliminating the need for water.  Usually the urine proceeds to a waste drain but this is not the case at Citi Field.

Thanks to the diagram that was taken from Citi by our mole.  We can now see that after leaving the drain, the urine is split into two pipes.  One pipe pushes pure unfiltered urine directly to Shake Shack to be used in something called Shackmeister Ale.  The other pipe leads to a filtration system cleverly hidden inside the home run apple.  (At least we finally know why it is so huge.)  This pump filters the yellow stuff just enough to call it Budweiser, at which point it is pumped to various locations around the park.

Did you like that beer at Citi Field?  Good.  Because there is a good chance you may be drinking that same beer again in the near future.  Don't believe us?  See for yourself.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Minaya Mistakes District 9 For Documentary, Heads to South Africa

With last nights game looking like a washout after 5 innings, we were hoping to get a good night's sleep.  That is until the phone rang.  One of our sources had informed us that Omar Minaya had left Citi Field in a rush during the 5th inning and was heading to the airport.  Time being of the essence, the Apple rushed to JFK to try and catch up with Minaya.

We arrived in time but we were immediately stopped by a Mets staffer before we could get to Omar.  We were told we could speak to Minaya as long as we smiled and nodded at everything he said.  We agreed.  Minaya was clearly excited and happy to see us.

"I guess the cat is out of the bag.", said Minaya, motioning for us to join him.  "I can't wait to get a look at these guys.  If they pick up the game as fast as I suspect, we will have a real advantage."

We assumed he was talking about South Africans, though baseball is not new there, but he explained further. Apparently, Minaya had watched the movie District 9 earlier that day and was convinced it was a documentary.  Minaya was so touched by the "documentary" that he set out immediately for South Africa with hopes of setting up a baseball academy in Johannesburg and teaching Prawns our national pastime.

"These Prawns...can I call them that?  Well anyway they have it all.  Speed, defense, lasers! These guys can beat you in so many ways.  And they will play for cat food!"

We smiled, nodded and were soon on our way.  We were stopped again by the staffer who was now handing us a phone.  Mets VP Dave Howard was on the other end.

"Sorry you had to see that.  This happens quite a bit.", Howard explained.

Howard went on to tell us that Minaya is often fooled by movies and rather than have to explain fiction to him they simply find it easier to let him find out on his own.

"He gets to have an adventure and it keeps him out of our hair for awhile.  It's a win-win."

Howard describes another incident this past off-season when, after watching the movie Sugar, Minaya spent a month roaming the streets of the Bronx in an attempt to coax Miguel "Sugar" Santos back to baseball.  As it turns out, he found 648 guys named Miguel Santos but could not locate the fictional Dominican pitcher.

"In retrospect, that was a mistake.", Howard admits.  "We missed out on several key free agents while he was out looking for Sugar.  I guess we dropped the ball on that one."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

David Wright: Selfish Time Traveler?

We at The Apple love baseball cards.  In particular, we love the 2010 Topps baseball cards because of all the great inserts of old time players.  So you can imagine our surprise when we opened a pack of cards and this fell out.  This is a 1951 Topps David Wright "Red Back".

Now of course the logical assumption would be that this a modern day reprint based on an old style, right?  Yeah we're not buying that either.  What we believe we have here is a mystery worthy of a Dan Brown novel and the most definitive proof of time travel ever recorded.

At first we marveled at Wright's magnificence.  Here is a man who time traveled to decades before he was born, got the city to prematurely invent a fourth baseball franchise, and play well enough on that franchise to be immortalized on a card.  Truly, this is an incredible man.   

Not so fast.   The more we thought about the angrier we got.  Here is a man with all this power and he squandered it on baseball.  If Wright was truly walking around in 1950, surely there were more pressing issues he could have addressed.   Terrorist attacks, natural disasters, O.J.'s wife?  Wright could have warned us about all these things.  Instead, what does he do?  He plays baseball.

Who the hell does David Wright think he is?

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Mets Win A Series, Bedlam Ensues

The party was on last night at Citi Field as the Mets took game 4 from the Chicago Cubs to win their first series of the year. Considered by many to be the favorite to win the World Series in 2010, the Cubs had no answer to the Mets pitching staff and left Citi Field losers of 3 out of 4.

Meanwhile down the hall in the home team clubhouse the champagne was flowing as the Mets were in the midst of a raucous post-game celebration. Players doused each other in champagne as clubhouse attendants handed out "April Series Champions" tee shirts.

"This is what it is all about.", said an excited Jose Reyes. "This is why you work so hard in the off-season."

Some members of the Mets brass were on hand too. Omar Minaya could be spotted in one corner of the clubhouse smoking a cigar while VP Dave Howard was overheard shouting, "Just think of how many of these T-shirts we are going to sell tomorrow!"

And sell they will. This morning at the 42nd Street Modells, the line stretched all the way to Bryant Park as eager Mets fans waited to get a piece of this historic occasion.

"I've been here since 4AM." said Eli from Brooklyn. "This is the most exciting thing to happen to the Mets in 4 years. I think there are more people here than were at the game last night." The Apple would later confirm that he was correct.

In case you missed the fun you can still get your Mets "April Series Champs" tee at any Modells in the NY metro area. The shirts retail for $34.99 and will be available until Sunday. After that, any unsold shirts will be sent to TJ Maxx and marked down to $5.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Breaking News: Minaya interested in Roethlisberger

Omar Minaya is in a fight for his job and he plans to go down swinging. According to sources close to the Mets GM, Omar has been in talks with the Pittsburgh Steelers and the agent for Ben Roethlisberger with hopes of working out a trade that would land the embattled Steeler in Flushing. Minaya does not seemed troubled by the fact that Big Ben has never played baseball.

"This guy can beat you in so many different ways.", said Minaya. "When an athlete of his caliber becomes available you don't get caught up in the little details. We can find a place to play him. I think we have shown in the past that position is overrated. With a little work and patience we can make anyone play out of position."

At first glance it would seem that there is nothing the Mets could offer the Steelers to make a deal work but one member of the Pittsburgh front office doesn't necessarily believe that is the case.

"In a situation like this, you don't want to rule anything out to quickly.", said Steelers GM Kevin Colbert. "We may end up with a situation where we could pick up a valuable coach in the deal."

Colbert went on to express interest in bringing in Mets hitting coach Howard Johnson to work with the Steelers running backs at avoiding contact.

Only time will tell us how this will all unfold. However, while the deal still seems like a long shot, McFaddens at Citi Field is taking no chances. This morning the restaurant announced they will be closing their bathrooms indefinitely.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feds Question Reyes About Bogus Spanish Academy

Just when things were starting to look up for Jose Reyes on the field, a new scandal off the field could put the young shortstops season in jeopardy. This morning Jose was questioned by the feds in regards to his "Professor Reyes Spanish Academy".

The problem appears to be stemming from a growing number of people coming forward alleging that Professor Reyes took their money and taught them little to no Spanish. Jeff F. from Flushing, NY says he one of those taken by the scam. "I had just moved here from Atlanta and I get this thing on my windshield saying I can learn Spanish. I'm thinking why not?", says Jeff. "Well I started to get suspicious after 4 weeks when all I knew how to say in Spanish was helmet, apple & fly ball. I don't think this guy is an actual professor."

Whether or not Jose Reyes is an accredited professor is at the heart of the investigation says federal agent Roger Sisk of the local fraud division. "We immediately looked into his qualifications and found almost nothing.", says Sisk. "In fact, all we could find is what we are pretty sure is a bogus diploma from someplace called the University of Feenicks. We're checking into whether such a school exists but we highly doubt it. Especially when you consider that it is signed by David Wright."

The Apple caught up with Wright earlier today and he was reluctant to comment but he did tell us this. "Jo-see comes up to me at BP one day and says can you sign this. I figured it's for his nephew or something so why wouldn't I. Next thing you know I am involved in this. I really can't say any more about it."

If found guilty, Reyes could face up to 3 years in prison though as a first time offender he would most likely get off with a large fine and a slap on the wrist. Reyes maintains that he has done nothing wrong and in a statement released earlier today, the shortstop reiterated:

"At my Spanish Academy, learning is fun and easy."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Strange New Brick Appears At Citi Field

Fans arriving at Citi Field today may want to check out the fanwalk for an interesting brick that has seemingly popped up overnight.

The brick, located on the left field side of the fan walk, appears to have been purchased by disgruntled former Mets first baseman Mike Jacobs. A bitter farewell to the big club before going down to the minors.

The brick once again shines a light on quality control issues with the fanwalk. Many of you may remember the "I've Decided to Have Surgery After All" brick purchased by Carlos Beltran during the off-season.

We at The Apple are concerned as to why the Mets would allow these kinds of messages. While several of our calls went unanswered, we finally did receive this email from the Mets front office:

Dear Mr. Apple,

We are glad to see that you have taken an interest in the Citi Field fanwalk. While we understand your concern about the fanwalk we would like to reassure you that we take quality control very seriously. The brick in question was the subject of great debate at our office, but in the end we decided to place it for two reasons: 1) To honor the great 14 days of service by Mr. Jacobs and 2) In this economy we simply cannot turn away $300 from anyone. Especially once fans start to realize they can engrave their own brick for free with their car keys. We thank you for your interest and would like to remind you that there are many great spots still available in the fanwalk.

Thank you & Lets Go Mets,

Lindsay Cohen

New York Mets
Fanwalk Dept.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Mets Plan To Hold Ring Ceremony For "20 Inning Champs"

The Mets haven't had a lot of reasons to celebrate in the last few years. Epic collapses and injury plagued seasons have seen to that. So when the Mets beat the Cardinals last night in a bizarre 20 inning affair, Mets management was rushing to capitalize on the rare good fortune.

Mets Executive VP Dave Howard summed up the feelings of the front office. "Things haven't been so good around here for our fans and we really want to give something back. We came into this series with the clear goal of winning 1 game and we accomplished that in grand style. It's time to celebrate."

And celebrate they will. On April 22, the Mets will hold a pre-game ring ceremony where all 25 players and the coaching staff will receive a special "20 Innings Championship" ring. The rings will be gold plated over plastic and will feature a sparkling cubic zirconia stone.

But the fun doesn't stop there. As part of the pre-game festivities, a new banner will be hoisted up on the left field wall celebrating the Mets two run over two innings outburst against Cardinals "reliever" Joe Mather.

"This is only the beginning. We plan to milk this for a whole year at the least.", said Howard. "We've got a lot more stuff planned."

Among the plans are a special highlight video narrated by Morgan Freeman. The hour long video contains 4 minutes of game highlights and 56 minutes of Morgan Freeman talking about his favorite ballpark foods.

The video will be available soon and will be on display along with the ring at the new Mets Hall of Fame and Museum at Citi Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

New York Mets Accidentally Honor the Wrong Robinson

April 15 has become a special day around Major League Baseball. All throughout the league, players honor the accomplishments of Jackie Robinson by wearing his No. 42.

It is one of the great new traditions of the game.

So you can imagine the surprise on the faces of the Mets players when they arrived in the clubhouse at Coors Field on Thursday and found No. 50s in every locker?

The mix-up? Apparently a typographical error on a memo to clubhouse staff is to blame. A line that should have read "Honor J. Robinson" instead read "Honor D. Robinson." So instead of the No. 42s, uniforms bearing No. 50 were ordered to honor NBA great David Robinson.

The Mets public relations staff, who are used to these kinds of snafus, quickly went into action.

"While the incident is unfortunate, it does give us an opportunity to honor another great American: the Admiral," said one Mets exec. "The man was one of the greatest NBA players of all time, and he won a gold medal for the US with the Dream Team. Jackie Robinson never did that."

Another Mets employee added, "We are looking into the possibility that they may actually be related, though we have yet to come up with anything concrete on that front."

To make up for the mistake, the Mets are planning a Jackie Robinson night at Citi Field on Monday night.

Smokey Robinson has been invited to sing the national anthem.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Mets Announce New Bullpen Location For 2011

Jerry Manuel likes to change pitchers. Scratch that. Jerry Manuel REALLY likes to change pitchers. With that in mind the Mets knew something had to be done to combat the boredom of the pitching change.

"What we have seen is a considerable drop in television ratings every time Jerry comes out of that dugout.", said a Mets executive who did not wish to be named. He went on to say, "Fans are flipping the channel when he comes out and they are not coming back. I think the plan we have proposed here will help greatly."

The plan he is speaking of will involve the Mets building an underground cavern under the playing surface. This cavern will be located directly under the pitching mound and will house the Mets bullpen.

The mound itself will now be placed on a hydraulic lift that will be able to drop down so that pitching changes can be done quickly. The pitcher getting the hook doesn't even need to leave the mound as he can opt to just ride the mound back into the bullpen. The incoming pitcher hops on the mound and is lifted into position.

Mets relievers are happy with the plan. One anonymous pitcher said, "That's great. Jerry doesn't leave me in long enough to get tired from pitching, but the walking on and off the field can be a real grind on some nights.

The move seems to have the approval of the grounds crew as well.

"We've been dealing with a worn out stretch of turf between the current bullpen and the mound.", said one grounds crew member. "We try to keep up but he just uses so many pitchers we simply cannot keep up."

As for Manuel himself, one can only speculate that this move will get him closer to his dream of using three relievers to retire one batter.

Only time will tell if the plan turns out to be a hit or not. If not, I suppose they could always go back to the golf carts with the oversized hats.

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