Friday, March 18, 2011

Who's On Second? Larry Smith Spies On Mets Front Office Meeting

Spring training games have gone on for two weeks now and the Mets still haven't officially named their starting secondbaseman. There has been so much speculation about this that Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, J.P. Ricciardi, and Paul Depodesta hopped on a plane the other day and flew down to Florida for a big confab with GM Sandy Alderson and Manager Terry Collins.

One of the attendees told us off the record, "Jeesh. Even in San Diego we use to fly first class. Here Fred made us fly down on Southwest Airlines. I think he was totally enamored of the idea that the 'bags fly free.'
He's really stressed about the money these days. What an operation we have going on here."

What with the current lawsuits being brought against Wilpon they have decided to make sure every meeting is taped and transcribed in case it is needed in court. And using our wiley ways we were able to get a transcript of the meeting where the principles discussed all their second base options.

Alderson (SA): OK, guys. Enough with the doughnuts. Let's get this thing started. I want to hear your take on who should be our secondbaseman when we break camp in a few weeks.

Fred Wilpon (FW): I think it should be Luis Castillo. I'm paying the guy 6 million bucks and want to get something out of that.

Terry Collins (TC): Fred, look, we've talked about this. The fans hate the guy, he has the range of a US Mailbox, and his last homerun was during the Clinton administration. We gotta move on. You just can't play him because he makes lots of bucks.

SA: I've got to side with the manager on this Fred. You have to pay Luis whether you play him and he sucks or not. I say move on. We've got to have better options than him.

FW: (Whispering under his breath like the kid from TV's "The Middle") Six million dollars.

SA: Alright. Who else could we use?

J.P. Ricciardi (JR): I'm voting for Emaus, our rule 5 draftee. Nice little player that I liked back when I was the BlueJays' GM.

Paul Depodesta (PD): Sure JP. You convinced us to draft him and then we learn that the only place he's ever hit is in his home games in Vegas of the Pacific Coast League. I think Alex Cora could hit .300 in that league. I think you sold us a bill of goods.

Terry Collins (TC): Yeah, that kid hasn't hit worth squat yet and he can't field all that well either.

SA: Fred, what's your take on Emaus?

FW: That depends. How much does he make?

SA: Just the minimum.

FW: Well then I like him a bit. And what'll we get if we send him back to Toronto?

SA: I think we get half of what we paid for him. Like 25 G's.

FW: I like the sound of that too.

SA: Alright, moving on. How about you Jeff. Who's your guy?

Jeff Wilpon: I'm voting for Daniel Murphy. He's scrappy and the fans like him. He's a 'feel good' story on a 'feel bad' team. Other than Isringhausen all we're getting is bad press. Those guys on FAN tear us a new one every day.

TC: Jeff you have a point about Murph but you haven't watched him try to play the position. It's brutal. And turning double-plays. That's just not happening.

Paul Depodesta (PD): Hate to pile on here but Murphy is about as fragile as Beltran at this point. The first baserunner that slams into him at second base will probably DL him for the season. I think Murph's best position might be pinch-hitter.

SA: Gee guys, we're going around here in circles. Anyone want Justin Turner to be the guy?
(Silence pervades the table)

SA: I guess not.

PD: We haven't talked about Chin-Lung Hu.

All in unison: WHO???????

SA: Oh, jeez. Let's not start with that 'Who's on first' nonsense. We all know that Hu is just another gloveman.

All in unison: WHO??????????

SA: Cut that out already!

JP: Maybe we could trade for a secondbaseman. I hear Texas would like to trade Michael Young. He can hit, field, and is great in the clubhouse.

SA: You know what Fred is going to want to know....

FW: What does he make?

JR: (sheepishly) 16 million a year

SA and FW together: Moving on.

TC: That leaves Luis Hernandez I guess.

SA: What do we know about him?

FW: How much does HE make?

TC: He got a couple of hits at the end of the 2010 season under that old administration. He looks like he can field. Maybe he'll hit and he does have a great baseball name for a middle infielder: Luis Hernandez.

PD: I got nothing better than that.

JW: Works for me I guess.

SA: Are we agreed?

(Heads nod reluctantly)

SA: OK, until next week's meeting Luis Hernandez is our second baseman.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight   

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