Wednesday, March 2, 2011

MLB Adds Charlie Sheen To List Of Banned Substances...Ronny Paulino Tests Positive

The MLB held an impromptu press conference on Wednesday morning to announce that they have decided to add Charlie Sheen to the official list of banned substances in baseball.  League officials touted the move as an effort to stay ahead of the ever evolving world of performance enhancing drugs.

In a statement released by Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig says:
Major League Baseball remains committed to removing all performance enhancing drugs from the game of baseball and a big part of this is being proactive in banning new substances as they are discovered.  Though little is known about the substance being called "Charlie Sheen", we felt that the side effects of this drug are more than enough to warrant it's inclusion in our list of banned substances.  According to our research, prolonged exposure to Charlie Sheen can cause Bi-Winning Disorder and may cause your face to melt off and your children to weep over your exploded body.
According to the offices of Major League Baseball, players who test positive for Charlie Sheen will face no punishment in the next six months while the new rule is implemented.  This news comes as a relief to New York Mets backup catcher Ronny Paulino who has already tested positive for Charlie Sheen.  

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

No comments:

Post a Comment

This Month's Most Popular

All Time Most Popular