Thursday, July 12, 2012

Mets General Manager Uses All Star Break To Have His Endoskeleton Refurbished

Many major leaguers use baseball's All-Star break as an opportunity to rest and get ready for the stretch run. For Mets general manager Sandy Alderson the break is a chance to recharge his batteries...literally.  While the game was being played in Kansas City, Alderson was at Cyberdyne Systems in Sunnyvale, CA having his endoskeleton oiled and polished, and his hydrogen fuel cells recharged. 

During his time as GM in Oakland, Alderson volunteered to have his traditional skeleton replaced with a series 850 endoskeleton and processor which would render him the only GM in baseball truly capable of grasping half of the bizarre "advanced statistics" favored by sabermetricians.

So should Mets fans be concerned?  The Apple caught up with Alderson at Citi Field on Thursday afternoon and asked him just that.

"This was a wild first half.", said Alderson. "I usually only come in for an oil change during the off-season but this year I didn't want to take the chance of rusting up before the trade deadline.  The fans shouldn't worry though, I'm operating within normal parameters. It's hardest on Buddy, really. He gets a little weird around me for a few days every time I come back from Cyberdyne."

But has Alderson truly mastered Sabermetrics?

"My CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer.", says Alderson. "But even I have no idea how the hell they calculate UZR.  I am very fond of WAR though."

At that point his eyes started glowing red so we thought it would be best to leave.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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