Wednesday, October 19, 2011

GOP Candidates Present Ideas To Fix The Mets At CNN Debate

You've probably heard that there are a whole bunch of Republicans vying for their party's nomination for President of the United States.  If you haven't watched any of their debates just wait about 20 minutes and I'm sure another one will be starting within that time frame.

They have seemingly already been asked (and have answered or dodged) every question under the sun by this point.

The Apple submitted to each of the declared candidates a question we think they have not been subjected to during their debates:  "What do you think of the New York Mets?  And what should they do in the next year or two to fix what is broken?"

Actually we submitted the question to all of them except Gary Johnson, the former Governor of New Mexico.  Since they don't let him in for every debate we thought we could save some postage by not sending him our question.

Unfortunately the debate ran long and the candidates did not get around to our question until after CNN had already cut the feed.  Fortunately, we have the following transcript of their responses.

Herman Cain:  Baseball teams report to spring training in February.  The best teams play all the way through October.  That's 9 months. A team consists of 9 men.  A game usually takes 9 innings.  And, of course, this leads me to my 9-9-9 plan.  For the Mets to succeed they'll need 9 men playing hard for 9 innings for each of 9 months.  It is so simple.  I just can't understand why everyone won't jump on that bandwagon.

Newt Gingrich: I'm a true Ronald Reagan Republican.  I believe in my heart of heart that baseball's luxury tax must be repealed.  The Yankees must be allowed to make as much money as they can and there will be a concurrent trickle down effect that surely will raise up teams like the NY Mets.

Jon Huntsman (Via Email):  Whatever Mitt Romney's position is I think you can safely assume that mine is the same or awfully similar.  So if you like Romney's ideas but are not too crazy about Mitt himself, I'm your guy.

Ron Paul:  I don't know why baseball teams even have to be in leagues.  They should be free to play against anyone they like, anywhere that they like, and for as many months per year as they want to.  This idea that every team has to play 162 games every season and a certain number of times against each opponent, that's just un-American.  And, as for the Mets themselves, they got themselves into this mess, they don't need me telling them how to get out of.  If they go belly up in the process, so be it.

Rick Perry: The Mets have been entangled with the New York Yankees for about 50 years in a border war.  Being Governor of the great state of Texas gives me a real insight as to how to police one's borders.  And that should about cover my position on the Mets.  I'll use the rest of my time to remind you about how many jobs I have created in Texas since I've been governor.

Mitt Romney:  Growing up my father George had me brainwashed into being a Detroit Tigers fan.  But then I ran for Governor of Massachusetts and decided I liked the Red Sox better.  Now I want to be President of all the states so I will root for whatever team I'm geographically closest to when I'm speaking.  Notice my fundamental difference here with President Obama who trumpets his affection for the White Sox regardless of where he is.  If he's as into compromise as he says he is then he'd be open minded enough to consider other baseball teams. Since I was a businessman before I entered the world of politics I can see that the Mets just need to be put on a sound financial footing.  I support the Alderson administration's efforts to slash the payroll and get the team back on the right financial track again.

Rick Santorum:  When I first ran for the Senate from Pennsylvania I was the big underdog in a democrat state.  But I won.  It's this spirit of the triumphant underdog that the Mets must bring.  They can't think of themselves as a big market team gone south.  Instead they have to see themselves as a feisty middle market team clawing their way back to the top. And since I'd love to be the vice-presidential candidate for any of the other candidates I want to make clear that my position on the Mets is alterable as needed.

Michele Bachmann:  Since I have raised enough foster children to field a complete baseball league I feel I am uniquely qualified to respond to this question. The NY Mets have been decimated by injuries. Injuries make us all much danger. These injuries have to treated in order to get the good players back onto the field.  Treatment means healthcare which brings me to my favorite subject, the repeal of Obamacare.  I don't know exactly what the connection is but as soon as I, as your President, get Obamacare repealed I am certain the Mets will return to baseball prominence.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight   

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