Friday, January 27, 2012

Meet The Mitts: Mets Set To Host The 197th Republican Presidential Debate At Citi Field

Ticket sales to see the 2012 budget-friendly version of the NY Mets have been, let's say, tepid.  In order to remain financially solvent it is crucial that every possible step is taken to put the proverbial fannies in the seats.  To that end the team's promotional department has been working overtime.

What was originally planned for the Wednesday May 16th night game vs Cincinnati,  Ronnie Cedeno Bobblehead Night, has been changed.

Instead the promotion will be GOP Debate Night.

The team has now received acknowledgements from the four remaining Republican candidates most of whom have the attitude "Hell, we've debated everywhere else, so why not?". 

By our estimation this would be the 197th debate.

In between innings, the four candidates, or whoever's left at that point, will line up at podiums (or is it podia?) by homeplate.  The panel questioning them will be the moderator SNY superstar Kevin Burkhardt flanked by Keith Hernandez and WFAN's own Joe Beningo.

What will be unique about this debate is that periodically Kevin will designate a question as a "fat pitch".  When the candidate replies his answer will be judged by the fans by the volume of their applause.  A normal answer that is no more interesting or detailed from what  we've heard a dozen times before will be rated a single.  A good one that elicits louder applause would be judged a double.  An even better one that also includes new information and/or a mild zinger of an opponent would be a triple.  And if the answer is clever and really bites an opponent on the rump bringing the fans to the feet then that would be a HOMERUN.  The HomeRun Apple in centerfield would come up and the candidate will be encouraged  to "circle the bases."   For safety purposes Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich would just walk around them while Santorum and Romney could probably accomplish a leisurely trot.

To honor the candidates the Mets themselves will wear specially designed uniforms during the game.  To honor Speaker Gingrich the caps will be a bright white with the NY in red lettering.  To honor Congressman Paul each uniform will be made one or two sizes too large as are his suits he wears on debate nights.  For Senator Santorum the team's unis will be covered by a sweater vest.  And for Governor Romney the normal "METS" across the chest will read "MITTS".

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight. 

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