Friday, January 6, 2012

I'll Take The Physical Challenge: Ten Changes In The Mets New "Enhanced Physicals"

Yesterday, Adam Rubin reported that the Mets are now implementing "Enhanced Physicals" for all potential signings. Today the Mets have released a list of changes to their physical process that make up an "enhanced physical".  Here are some of the more interesting points:

  • Players will now be required to turn their head AND cough. It’s no longer either/or.
  • Physicals will now take place at a medical facility as opposed to the champagne room at a nearby strip club.
  • Following their medical exam, players will be creepily leered at by Paul DePodesta for no less than 5 minutes.
  • Players must now pay a $200 co-pay to Sterling Mets.
  • You’re getting a prostate exam! You’re getting a prostate exam! EVERYONE’S GETTING PROSTATE EXAMS!!!
  • An answer of yes to the question, “Have you ever been in contact with Oliver Perez?” results in an automatic fail.
  • At the end of every physical David Wright walks in and crashes into you.  If you survive, you pass. 
  • The physician will now keep an eye out for “red flag behavior” such as hand-licking.
  • All physicals will now be conducted by a world famous doctor...Dr. Conrad Murray
  • All physicals now conclude with a Double Dare style obstacle course.  Complete the 8 obstacles in under a minute and you’re a Met!
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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