Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mr. Met Implicated In Massive Mascot Gambling Probe

Just as the Mets were riding the crest of goodwill from the hiring of Sandy Alderson and his appointment of two highly respected assistants, word has leaked from federal investigators of a gambling epidemic involving many of Major League Baseball's beloved mascots.

Allegedly, the mastermind of the operation was none other than Mr. Met who (again allegedly) made bets - sometimes even against the Mets - with other mascots.  Met, a longtime employee of the Wilpons, refused to comment when confronted by local media.  In fact, we couldn't find anyone who has ever heard him speak.

"Apparently, there was nothing these mascots would not bet on.", said a representative from the MLB.  "Documents recovered by the investigator show that besides the actual games, the group would bet on ballpark activities such as sausage races, team trivia, whether or not the ceremonial first pitch would be bounced, name that year, the length of the national anthem & even who could shoot t-shirts the furthest."

Other mascots implicated included the Philly Phanatic, Bernie Brewer, and the slowest of the racing presidents, Teddy Roosevelt.  In each case they have attempted to cast the blame elsewhere for their shady behavior.

The Phanatic, arrested after a high speed chase around Citizens Bank Park, was defiant releasing a statement stating that all the other mascots always teased him about his girth and that he planned to use his winnings to quit this "ugly business" and get that stomach reducing surgery he's always wanted.

Meanwhile Bernie Brewer blames his gambling on his other addiction, beer drinking. Brewer's agent told The Apple that, "Bernie got in the habit of knocking down at least one beer before each game with Bob Uecker and then drinking another cold Miller after each homerun just before sliding down his chute."  The agent continued, "Damn Braun and Fielder have nearly killed my guy.  And then when that city slicker Mr. Met came along offering enticing odds on the games Bernie just couldn't say no."

Another angry mascot was Teddy.  He spilled his guts to the feds saying that his depression from never having won a President's Race finally got to him.  He started betting on Nationals games and even on the local race. He has allegedly received kickbacks from Mr. Met for "taking a dive" in the Presidents Race.
Information is sketchy about the west coast syndicate.  The FBI is still looking for its ringleader, a former mascot himself, The San Diego Chicken.

Locally, assistant GM J.P. Ricciardi had this to say about Mr. Met.  "Mr. Met has been a valued member of the Mets family for years and we want to stand by him through the legal process. We see him as innocent until proven guilty."

When asked what would happen if the charges against Mr. Met were true, Ricciardi replied, "Then it's OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith & Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

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