Despite not having a manger in place, the Mets front office seems to be ready to make an important coaching decision. Today the Mets announced that they have found their pitching coaches. That’s right, coaches with an "s".
Sandy Alderson and Co. have decided that given their fondness for statistical analysis, the Mets are going to be the first team in Major League history to have all their pitching decisions made by a computer. The computer, named Pitching Algorithm 9000 or PAL 9000 for short, will be programed by Eric Simon from Amazin' Avenue. Using an advanced win-probability algorithm, PAL 9000 will be mounted in the Mets dugout and will tell the Mets when to change pitchers. It will also analyze performance and provide pitchers with a detailed printout of necessary mechanical adjustments.
Of course sometimes a human touch is necessary and that is why the Mets plan to bring in ESPN NFL reporter and Mets fan Bonnie Bernstein. Serving as the human side of the coaching team, Bernstein will make the actual trips out to the mound to deliver PAL-9000’s suggestions. Additionally, she will conduct a short interview with the pitcher which will be aired on SNY.
“We had a situation where people were tuning out during pitching changes.”, says Paul DePodesta. “With Bonnie, we have not only a pretty face, but a knowledgeable reporter who is not afraid to ask the tough questions. In short, we’re giving the fans a reason to stay tuned.”
While Bernstein has not confirmed that she will indeed accept the position, PAL-9000 is already being tested at Digital Domain Park in Port St. Lucie. Reports that, during early testing, PAL may have malfunctioned and killed a group of minor league instructors have not been confirmed.
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.
I'm afraid Dave.
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