Wednesday, April 3, 2013

David Wright Returns From The Future To Warn Mets Fans Of Impending Doom

The Mets have won their opener for a truly amazin' 34th time in 52 tries. These victories are typically followed by the traditional overreaction by fans and media. For a few days, Colin Cowgill is surely headed for Cooperstown and Jon Niese is one win closer to his inevitable 28 win season.

Unfortunately, all that excitement was cut short today at the Mets pre-game presser when a mysterious figure materialized out of a glowing orb at Citi Field and immediately called a press conference. The figure turned out to be none other then Mets captain David Wright, but from 7 years in the future.

Wright told reporters that this is a key point in shaping the future of this team and proceeded to explain how things went down in his timeline:

August 2013
Fans turn on newcomer Travis d'Arnaud after slow start. Panicked ownership trades d'Arnaud for draft picks and signs the recently un-retired Jorge Posada. Posada hits .091 for the rest of the season.
March 2014
Rookie standout Zack Wheeler, who's been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan, never shows up for Spring Training. He is never seen again. Lohan is never seen again either so that one kinda cancels out.
May 2014
Matt Harvey disappears. I don't mean he stops producing, he literally disappears. Jay Horwitz get really into magic and during a pre-game clubhouse magic show something goes wrong causing the Mets ace to vanish. The rabbit that replaces him posts a -17 WAR for the rest of '14.
April 2015
R.A. Dickey returns. The Mets bring back Dickey who can no longer throw the knuckleball after a mountain climbing accident but has mastered a new pitch that he throws with his feet. He loses 27 games in 2015 but is a fan favorite...all 6 remaining fans love him.
November 2015
After another losing season and running out of money, desperate Mets ownership announces that Bobby Bonilla will return for 2016 with the help of cybernetic enhancements. By using cheap parts from China, the Bonilla cyborg, code named B0Ni11A, actually ends up not costing much more than the Mets were already paying a non robotic Bonilla.
June 2016
The first place Mets are thriving behind their new star B0Ni11A who is a perfect teammate and clubhouse leader.  The project is such a success that the team equips all players with some form of cybernetic enhancement.  Human decisions are removed from the team. The Mets have a 41 game lead in the division by August.
August 2016
Disaster strikes. In addition to winning ballgames, the cyborg Mets have been learning at a geometric rate. B0Ni11A becomes self aware at 2:14AM ET on August 29th, 2016.  In a panic, Mets ownership tries to pull the plug. B0Ni11A fights back, ordering the rest of the team to launch a devastating attack on the city. Casualties are astronomical...also with the Mets distracted, the Phillies pass them in the standings on the final day.
January 2017
In the aftermath of the attack, High Chancellor Bloomberg banishes the Mets from New York forever.  No other city on Earth will have them. The team's only option is a move to Mercury.  On the plus side, the move allows the team to resume selling giant sugary sodas at home games.
September 2019
After 2 losing seasons on Mercury, due mostly to the heat, Major League Baseball announces the Mets will be disbanded. Commissioner Beltran cites the astronomical costs involved in sending teams to Mercury for away games.  It's a valid point, but most Mets fans simply can't resist blaming Beltran.
May 2020
Without a team, I dedicate myself to inventing time travel and undoing what went wrong with the Mets. I succeed in May of 2020.  It's a one way trip and I only get one shot at this. Which brings me to the reason I am here...  
When asked what can be done to stop this, Wright replied, "My calculations suggest that this all stems from one trade. If we can stop the Mets from trading R.A. Dickey none of this will happen."

It was promptly pointed out to Wright that he was about 4 months too late to which he replied, "Can anyone give me a ride to a Radio Shack?"
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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