Mets Angel Pagan is HUGE in Puerto Rico

Angel Pagan is becoming quite popular among Mets fans in Queens, but in the center fielder's native Puerto Rico he is bigger than Lebron James and Barack Obama combined.  We took a walk around Hiram Bithorn stadium and found no less than 14 billboards of Angel Pagan selling everything from oil changes to toilet paper. 

As the latest rising star from the tiny island, Pagan has replaced Carlos Beltran in center field and also passed his teammate as the go to guy for Puerto Rican advertising agencies.  Pagan has most recently signed on to be the face of Angel Soft toilet paper in the Caribbean.

We caught up with Pagan at a local Jiffy Lube where he was handing out hats and t-shirts while signing autographs for his fans.  Pagan, who just became the spokesman for Jiffy Lube in Puerto Rico, seems to be taking it in stride.  "I was a fourth outfielder a year ago.  A lot of fans thought I didn't even belong on the team.", said Pagan.  "Now I am a star and I am cashing in baby!  In fact, for the rest of this interview you have to call me Angel Ka-Ching."

The Apple is happy to see Ka-Ching succeed and cash in on that success.  We just think he should pick and choose his endorsement jobs a little more carefully.  Did we really need this?

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Visit Causing Strange Behavior In Puerto Rican Wildlife, Scientists Baffled

The scientific community is buzzing in Puerto Rico today as residents from all over the island are calling in reports of a strange new species of tree frog.  For those familiar with the island, the Coqui is a small tree frog native to the island that got their name from their signature two part chirp that sounds like "coqui" (pronounced coh-key). 

The frogs are extremely common and most residents barely notice them but when blue and orange coquis began showing up it caused the scientific community to take notice.  Felix Alomar, a researcher who studies the frogs, explains, "It would appear that we are seeing a mutation that has manifested in the last two days.  Physically these frogs are the same as the others but their brown color has been replaced with a blue and in some cases orange tint.  Even more more puzzling is the markings that have appeared on the backs of the animal.  It appears to be an interlocking N.Y."

This new species of Coqui, scientifically named EleutheroMookieus has a different diet than the traditional tree frog.  Rather than a diet of small insects, this frog apparently prefers peanuts and cracker jack.  The most bizarre aspect of this curious amphibian however is his song.  Instead of the traditional two part chirp, this creature prefers to sing in a three part Co-Co-Qui rhythm that appears to be it's attempt at a Let's Go Mets chant.

Scientists will continue to study the frogs and our curious to see if the behavior will continue after the Mets leave on Wednesday.

In an unrelated note, the mythical blood-sucking Chupacabra was also spotted this week but it was later confirmed that it was merely Gary Matthews Jr. on vacation.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Not Worried About Trade Deadline

While the trade deadline is still more than a month away, Mets GM Omar Minaya is not worried.  On Sunday, Minaya told The Apple about his backup plan in the event that the Mets are unable to land any help via the trade market.  His plan: time travel.

"We're going to try as hard as we can to get something done via traditional methods but in the event that it doesn't work out, we are exploring alternative methods of acquiring talent.", Minaya told The Apple.  While the farm system would be the logical assumption, Minaya insists he has found something more radical.  "I was watching this documentary about this kid and his time traveling car.  He went back to 1955 and almost destroyed himself but I think the potential is there.  If we can get this guy on our side, imagine the players we can bring back.  This guy could beat you in so many ways.  If we don't act quickly another team or possibly the Libyans are going to get to him first."

Minaya is not oblivious to the difficulties presented by time travel. 

"We'd have to change these guys names for starters.  People might get suspicious if we put Jackie Robinson at second but if we call up Jackie Sanchez from the minors no one will bat an eyelash. There is the small possibility that we could destroy the universe but this is New York and the fans expect you to do everything you can to win."

Minaya has clearly thought of everything.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Exclusive Highlights From Vuvuzela Night At Citi Field

The night was finally upon us last night as the Mets took to the field to take on the Minnesota Twins on Vuvuzela Night at Citi Field.  The mainstream media is editing out the noise but The Apple has acquired the raw footage of last nights game.  Enjoy!

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Barajas "Injury" Caused By Excessive World Cup Celebration

Rod Barajas has sat out the last two Mets games and the story keeps changing.  First it was his difficulty catching R.A. Dickey and then yesterday the Mets announced that Barajas had a sore back.  Just a regular symptom of the wear and tear a catcher faces throughout a grueling 162 game season?  We didn't believe that either so The Apple did some digging and have gotten to the bottom of the story.

After checking around, The Apple has uncovered this photo of Barajas taken on Tuesday afternoon after Mexico had officially qualified for the World Cup round of 16.  Because the team had already banned the World Cup from the clubhouse, Barajas was out watching the game with some friends and Mexican soccer fanatic Jay Horowitz.  Apparently at some point during Barajas celebration he tweaked his back, taking him out of the lineup and leaving the Mets short one catcher.

Horowitz originally denied the story but when confronted with photographic evidence, he agreed to tell his side of the story to The Apple.  "It was after the game and we were all feeling pretty good.  Mexico had lost but South Africa's victory over France put the Mexican squad through anyway.", said Horowitz.  "We were getting pretty rowdy and then Rod attempted one of those soccer celebration slides like Landon Donovan did vs. Algeria, but landed awkwardly on his keys and wrenched his back.  It didn't seem like anything at the time but by the time we got to the ballpark it was starting to stiffen up."

Barajas is not expected to miss much time with the injury and the Mets have said he will face no disciplinary action because the incident took place under the supervision of Horowitz.  One thing is for sure though, between clubhouse shenanigans and vuvuzelas, the Mets will be glad when the World Cup is over.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Arms Race Heats Up As Phillies Sign Knuckleballer McHugedong

The Phillies have been watching the progress of R.A. Dickey very closely.  They have seen how much the uncomfortably named hurler has captured the imagination of the Citi Field faithful.  Now, trailing in the standings and eager to make a splash the Phillies have found a pitcher who they believe will put them over the top.  His name: I.M. McHugedong.

A career minor leaguer up till now, Isaac Martin McHugedong has been turning heads within the Phillies organization since perfecting his knuckleball.  GM Ruben Amaro Jr. explains.  "We are not blind to the 'Dickey Fever' that has been going on in New York.  We saw a chance to bring a guy in who might help up win games but more importantly will sell merchandise.", Amaro Jr. told the Apple.  "To be honest, his knuckler is average at best but as long as he sells jerseys we don't really care."

And sell jerseys he has.  The response has been amazing.  Only one hour after the announcement, MLB.com is already reporting that McHugedong is now leading the league in ironic jersey purchases by smart ass fans.  Kosuke Fukudome has been bumped down to second while Chien Ming Wang falls to third.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

David Wright Foam Finger Night Tonight, Foam Dickey Night Wisely Canceled

Tonight at Citi Field the Mets will be giving out David Wright foam fingers to encourage fans to vote Wright into the All-Star game and simultaneously poke a little fun at pop singer Lady Gaga who is currently on a nationwide stadium tour of foolishness.

What few fans realize however is that under an original plan from the Mets marketing department, Thursday night was scheduled to be foam dickey night in honor of R.A. Dickey. The promotion called for fans to receive a giant foam hand gripping a knuckleball that said "Dickey" but unfortunately due to a communications error, the Chinese factory sent 20,000 foam penises that said "Knuckleball".  The Mets wisely have canceled the promotion.

Vuvuzela night is still scheduled for this Friday.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Dear Readers,

If I may step out of character for a moment, I would like to congratulate the Mets for having a sense of humor.  Lady Gaga likes to make a joke out of her self and the Mets have treated the "incident" as such.  The whole "Go Gaga For Wright" and "Use The Wright Finger" campaign is refreshingly creative by the Mets.  I know a lot of you find it hokey but I for one am glad to see it.

Thanks for reading,
Randy "The Apple" Medina

Mets Honored By Guinness Book Of World Records

The Mets were honored yesterday with a special award.  In a quiet ceremony during their off-day workout at Citi Field, the team was presented with a certificate by Danny Girton Jr. of the Guinness Book Of Records to honor their acheivement of being the team with the most guys named Feliciano.

The Mets current total of 2 Felicianos shatters the previous record of 1, which was also held by the Mets.  For the older Feliciano, it was a time to reflect on very different times.

Late in 2002, Pedro broke the Feliciano barrier when he pitched in 6 games for the Mets.  At the time there was a lot of speculation as to whether a Feliciano could make it in the big leagues. 

Vance Wilson, the only member of that team who would return our calls, describes the climate at the time.  "He used to take a beating from the fans.  He'd be in the bullpen at Shea and people would shout things like 'Go back where you came from you Feliciano' or 'Felicianos don't belong here'.  It was awful.  Even the umps used to get in on it.  After a foul ball they would fire a new ball right at his head.  He had to always be on his guard."

 "I never thought I would see a day when Felicianos would be accepted like this.", Pedro told The Apple. "It makes everything I have gone through worth it to know that in that doors will be open  for future generations of Felicianos."

The Mets plan to have their own ceremony to honor the contributions of Feliciano-Americans to the game.  Though a date has not been set, Jose Feliciano has been tapped to sing the National Anthem.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mejia Has Sneaking Suspicion That He Will Not Be Back

Jenrry Mejia reported to Binghamton today.  He doesn't expect to return.   It is being widely speculated that any deal the Mets make for a pitcher will include Mejia.  The top prize being the Mariners Cliff Lee.

Waiting for Mejia in his new locker: a brand new Seattle Mariners jersey and cap.  Binghamton manager Tim Teufel insisted that the team was having a little fun with him and that he has no knowledge of any impending deal involving Mejia. The young righty doesn't share that feeling. 

"When I was leaving NY they were giving all my jerseys to Steiner Sports.", Mejia told the Apple.  "They said something about a clearance sale.  Also some guy from Nintendo called me last night but I cannot speak Japanese."   

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

SNY Brings In Extra Cameras To Fit Cervelli On Screen

Did you notice anything different about last night's game on SNY?  SNY hopes your answer is no.  Workers for the network spent most of Friday rigging extra cameras around Yankee Stadium so that the broadcast could go off without a hitch.  The reason for all this extra work?  Francisco Cervelli's helmet.

"Cervelli's helmet is eight times the size of a normal man's helmet.", says SNY's Chris Carlin.  "We were noticing here in the studio during the last Subway Series that he was being cropped out the screen of a lot of our viewers.  Thankfully the network is stepping in to fix it."

An SNY camera crew worker explains the process. "We use these extra cameras to create a composite image which gets reassembled in the truck and ends up looking normal on your TV at home.  It's the same technique Hollywood uses to shoot Minnie Driver."

The second game of the Subway Series gets underway at 1:05 this afternoon with Mike Pelfrey facing Phil Hughes.  Francisco Cervelli is not in the lineup.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Wilpon Petitions Selig For Re-Alignment Following Mets First Successful Road Trip

The Apple has eyes and ears everywhere.  Today, reader Larry Smith did a little snooping and uncovered this letter from Jeff Wilpon to Bud Selig.  Apparently, Larry spent all of last night in a dumpster hoping to stumble on some juicy gossip and this morning his persistence was rewarded.

 
June 18, 2010
 
Dear Bud,
 
You and I have known each other for many years and we've had some interesting conversations about the future of this game we both love. One thing we've talked about is reallignment, something I have consistently resisted. But recent developments have forced me to reconsider my position.
 
My team has just concluded an excellent swing through Baltimore and Cleveland, great American cities. It's a shame that the Orioles are going through such hard times and that they have to face juggernauts like the Yankees, Rays, Red Sox, and even the Blue Jays so many times a year. I really feel for them and their plight.
 
And things are not going that much better for the Indians in the AL Central.
Meanwhile this "traditional rivalry" stuff has really not been all that it was cracked up to be. Really, are the Yankees truly our traditional rivals? As some would put it, our rivalry is more like the rivalry that exists between a hammer and a nail. Those six games we have to play against the Bombers, even though they do pack the ballparks, are really match-ups we could live without.
 
Now here's a rivalry for you. Mets and Kansas City Royals. Yes Bud, that would really excite the fan bases of both teams. Think about that one.
Now while I haven't mapped out the entire reallignment I do envision a division that includes these teams:
 
NY Mets
Baltimore Orioles
Cleveland Indians
Pittsburgh Pirates
Arizona Diamondbacks
 
You and I both know how important it is to have the New York NL team be relevant. With these division opponents I believe that our team, even with Omar and Jerry at the helm, can be playing meaningful games late into every September.
 
So let's continue to discuss this. Keep in mind that I am entirely flexible. If you'd prefer it be the Astros rather than the Pirates then I could live with that. You know I just want what's fair and best for the game.
 
Your friend,
Jeff Wilpon


Today's post contributed by Larry Smith. All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Angel Pagan's Off-Field Activities Becoming A Concern For Mets

The bright side of the injury to Carlos Beltran is that it has allowed Angel Pagan to blossom in center field for the Mets.  Once thought of as little more than a utility player, Pagan is showing that he has what it takes to be an everyday player at the Major League level. 

With this new found success, Pagan has become a darling of the fans and has taken a bigger role in the clubhouse, most recently putting himself in charge of post-game pie celebrations.  His teammates mostly seem happy for him, but Mets management is taking a more cautious approach.

While he is happy to see Pagan succeed, Jerry Manuel understands the pitfalls of that success.  "I think what you have here is a guy who is going to have a lot of doors opening for him and it's very easy for the guy to make bad decisions if you're not careful.", Manuel told the Apple.  "We're gonna watch him closely but I'm not overly worried.  He's a special talent."

Team VP Dave Howard is a little more concerned.  "The cookbook worries me.  We have a long season to play and we need his concentration on the game.", says Howard.  "Some of the rumors are starting to worry me.  I can see it becoming a distraction down the road."

The book in question is Pagan's soon to be released cookbook "The Pie Man", co-produced by Rachael Ray.  Ray has taken an interest in the Mets center fielder and plans to base an entire series on Food Network around his various pie recipes.  More recently however, rumors have begun to surface that the two are romantically involved though the publicist for the married talk show host was quick to deny it when The Apple brought up the issue.

For the Mets, who are already involved in a legal dispute over the use of cream pies, it will be a situation they will continue to monitor closely.  

"The Pie Man" arrives on bookstore shelves on June 22 with the accompanying TV show on schedule for a September debut.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Upset With Missing History At Progressive Field

Omar Minaya is at it again.  The Mets GM is once again having problems separating fiction from reality.  Speaking to the press yesterday, Minaya condemned the Indians for not having anything up at the ballpark honoring the great teams of the late 80's and early 90's.  Unfortunately for Omar, he is speaking of the Charlie Sheen led Indians from the 1989 movie Major League.

If you remember the last time this happened, you already know that the Apple is under orders from the Mets front office to never correct Omar on these things so we just let him explain his side of the story.

"We got killed last year by a lot of the fans for not doing enough to honor our organization's history.  I am shocked that the Indians would make the same mistake.", Minaya told the Apple.  He went on to express his fondness for that '89 Indians team.  "Those guys could beat you in so many ways.  They had Hayes, Cerrano, Dorn & Taylor in the lineup and Vaughn could start or come out of the pen.  To not honor those guys is a travesty.  I'm going to talk to (Dave) Howard when we get back about possibly building a second rotunda."

As for Minaya's favorite '89 Twin?  "Without a doubt, Eddie Harris, the crafty veteran.  I don't believe any of the rumors that he put snot on the ball.  No one has ever proven that."


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Announce Vuvuzela Night At Citi Field

Despite their recent banning of the World Cup from the clubhouse, the Mets are apparently not necessarily ready to write off the event as a whole.  Today on their website the Mets announced vuvuzela night for Friday, June 25th against the Twins.  The move reaffirms the Mets commitment to chase any trend no matter how ill-advised.

The vuvuzela is a cheap plastic horn that has been thrust into the spotlight because of it's use at the World Cup in South Africa.  The sound is similar to a kazoo and when you multiply it by 40,000 or so the resulting sound is akin to a huge swarm of insects surrounding the stadium.

While many fans complain the noise is unbearable, the Mets front office does not seem worried.  The team believes that the promotion will allow them to tap into the international soccer-loving market and boost slumping attendance figures.  Team VP Dave Howard explains, "Times are hard right now.  If giving out these 'valenzuelas' puts people in the seats, I'll deal with a little noise."

Vuvuzela night will be sponsored by Pepsi.  Vuvuzelas will be handed out to the first 25,000 fans entering Citi Field.  Tickets are available at mets.com or by calling 718-507-TIXX.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Ban World Cup From Clubhouse After Brawl

Earlier this month Adam Rubin reported on espnnewyork.com that the Mets have a World Cup pool going on in which every player adopts a nation in the World Cup with the winner receiving an undisclosed prize.  The Apple suspects that prize is not an Oliver Perez bobblehead.

Well apparently, the friendly spirit of competition seems to have gotten the better of some of the Mets players prompting the team to ban all further World Cup games from the clubhouse.  Additionally, the Mets have banned all discussion of the games for the duration of the cup.

It seems on Sunday, Jeff Francoeur and Rod Barajas were involved in a minor brawl after yesterdays game in Baltimore.  The source of the arguement? You guessed it.  The Slovenia/Algeria contest.  Francoeur who has adopted Slovenia reportedly got a little too cocky with Barajas, who is represented by Algeria.  Some pushing and shoving ensued and eventually escalated into punches being thrown.  No one was seriously injured and the two reportedly settled their dispute amicably but judging by their comments, The Apple suspects there may be some lingering hard feelings.

"The guy is a sore loser.", says Frenchy.  "Robert Koren took them to school plain and simple.  Rod just can't handle that."

Barajas sees it differently.  "He's trashing Chaouchi, but it wasn't his fault.  It was a defensive breakdown by Belhadj that really led to the goal.  Frenchy doesn't know anything about soccer."

Officially, the Mets brass has asked the players to cancel the bet but the word around the clubhouse is that the wager will continue quietly.  Francoeur however is not being quiet about anything.  Standing by his locker, waving a miniature Slovenian flag and sporting a black eye, Frenchy could be heard shouting, "Slovenia baby! All the way!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Topps To Release Special Gary Matthews Card

It's been a while since we had a good ol' fashioned Gum Stain Saturday but today Andrew over at Sports Card Forum returns with news of a soon to be released insert card from Topps.  It seems Topps has announced that they will be releasing a set of cards honoring useless players with bloated contracts. 

The set called "Weak Performance" is a spin-off of their Peak Performance relic cards.  Each card will honor a great underachiever and feature a piece of his actual salary.  Who else to lead the series than our own Gary Matthews Jr.  GMJ is featured on card WP1 shown on the right.

According to Andrew, the real value in these cards is how worthless they actually are.  In many cases the sliver of money is worth more than the card itself.  He expects collectors to remove the money and toss the card in the garbage.  Much like the Mets did with the real GMJ.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  For real Baseball Card info check out www.sportscardforum.com

Gary Matthews Jr. Accepts Assignment...In The Gulf

The Mets completed their roster move today when Gary Matthews Jr. accepted his assignment.  While the move is nothing out of the ordinary, the assignment is.  The Mets today assigned Matthews to a clean up crew working on the BP oil spill.

Jeff Wilpon, who was on hand to observe Matthews' first day on the job, explained the move.  "We needed to find a place where Gary could do the most good.", said Wilpon. "We looked at different minor league scenarios and nothing seemed to fit so we explored some alternative assignments."

Matthews himself doesn't seem bothered with the move.  He seemed in good spirits as he went about his work.  The Apple suspects the millions he will collect from the Mets and Angels this year had a lot to do with it.

The move opens up new doors for the Mets to make the most out of bad contracts.  They are currently in a feeling out process with Scott Boras as to whether Oliver Perez would accept an assignment helping to plug the oil leak. 

Under the Mets plan, Perez himself would act as the plug. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Yankees File Lawsuit Against Mets/Davis Over Cream Pie Infringement

Yesterday afternoon, New York Yankees President Randy Levine held a press conference at Yankee Stadium to announce that the Yankees organization is filing suit against the Mets and several other organizations for illegally using cream pies.

The suit contends that the Yankees invented the cream pie in 2009 and any team wishing to use it must first obtain permission from the Yankees as well as pay royalties to the team.

For those unfamiliar with the situation, allow us to summarize.  In 2009, the Yankees discovered emotion.  For an organization that had long lived under the iron fist of a brutal dictator this was a new thing.  The cream pie, an age old tradition, became a Yankees staple as it was all new to them.

Randy Levine explains, "I don't care what the history books say.  It is very clear that the Yankees invented the cream pie, I don't think that can ever be disputed.  What we need to figure out here is what kind of compensation we are entitled to by other teams like the Mets."  Levine went on to single out Mets rookie Ike Davis.  "The Davis kid is by far the worst offender.  Shaving cream.  Whipped cream. This kid has already twice flaunted this in our face.  We cannot allow that to go on."

Levine went on for a while but we lost interest.  We're pretty sure it went something like his.  "Blah, blah, blah...proud tradition...blah, blah, blah...27 championships...blah, blah, blah...Mohegan Sun...blah, blah, blah...seat available between the bases."

While the case will likely be bogged down in legal red tape for a while, the Yankees will ironically be in court today for their other pending lawsuit against the Doubleday estate which claims that the Yankees, along with Babe Ruth, actually invented baseball and not Abner Doubleday or any of the other men who have been credited.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

David Wright Has An Edge

If you're like us, you're sick of that Jeter Edge commercial.  We recently contacted Ford and they told us that they would love to offer us an alternate commercial but the costs of producing a new one would be too expensive.  So we at the Apple decided to handle it for them.  Enjoy!


 
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

New Fan Steps Forward To Claim Ownership Of Wright Foul Ball

"Ballgate" has been all the rage this week.  In case you missed it, there was one of those big media dust-ups about nothing this week when a man trying to snag a ball for his kid inadvertently, or perhaps "advertently" robbed the kid David Wright was actually throwing the ball to.

In the end everyone received balls with perhaps the biggest pair going to media outlets nationwide who ran with the story and tried to turn it into some kind of grand social commentary about how we steal foul balls in America.

But there is another side to this story.  Loyal Apple reader Richard Madison is claiming that Wright was actually aiming for him...in the Promenade.  Madison turned to us when no one else would listen.  We met Madison at Citi Field during the off day on Monday and he walked us through it.

"I was sitting up here in 520 and here comes Wright towards the dugout.", Madison told the Apple.  "Even from 375 feet away we very clearly locked eyes.  He goes to toss me the ball and these greedy jerks in the field level knock it down before it can reach me."

The Mets were able to arrange for everyone in the Field Level who was involved to get a ball that day but it would seem Madison was left out in the cold.

"They just don't care about the fans in the Promenade.", says Madison.  I'm not asking for much.  Just a hand signed ball by David Wright delivered personally to my door by Wright with a handwritten apology from Fred Wilpon.  Is that too much to ask?  I think not."

We caught up with Wright at a charity function on Monday night.  When we brought up Madison, Wright's response was simply, "Who let you clowns in here?"

Complicating the matter is the fact that a fourth party is now claiming ownership as well.  Famed ball-grabber Zack Hample is also claiming ownership based on the principle that all balls that enter the stands belong to him.

Will Madison ever get his ball?  Will David Wright's restraining order against The Apple hold up in a court of  appeals?  Only time will tell.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Thanks to Richard Madison for allowing us to skewer him in the Apple.  If you want The Apple to make fun of you, send your pics to readtheapple@gmail.com

MLB Approves Perez To The DL For Different Reasons

Let's face facts, there isn't a person in NY who believed that Oliver Perez was actually injured when we heard he was going on the DL. Apparently, neither did Major League Baseball, who launched an investigation into the southpaw's "injury". The move was almost revoked by the MLB but thanks to some unexpected medical findings, the Mets were cleared to make the move.

The initial MRI was initially described by MLB inspector Ron Jones as, "One of the most obvious forgeries I have ever seen.". Jones continues, "I mean, do they think we're stupid or something? The injury is very clearly a 'water on the knee' piece from the board game Operation. If they are going to try that they should have at least used the wish bone. That thing was a beast to get out."


The bogus MRI almost landed the Mets in hot water until Jones saw a scan of Oliver's brain. "I couldn't believe it. There was nothing there. We should be seeing a brain but all we saw was some loose change and what appears to be a half-eaten burrito. How this man can even walk is amazing."

With Jones approval, the Mets are now allowed to complete the DL move and will free up a roster spot. Interestingly enough there may be more good news for the Mets as calls have been coming in from various scientific circles wishing to pay the Mets for the rights to study Perez.

After obtaining the MRI, The Apple can now confirm that there were indeed three nickles and two dimes in the lefty's head.   Tests on whether the burrito contained beans or meat were inconclusive.

So for all you critics out there who joked that Ollie had a five cent head, it looks like you were wrong. It was thirty five cents.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Gary Matthews Jr, Tribute Video

Who will we blame losses on now?

Mets Turn To Washington D.C. To Solve Perez Dilema

The Mets have frequently stated they are exploring every option with Oliver Perez.  On Thursday they proved it.  Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya made a trip to Washington D.C. to meet with Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan.  Kagan has told reporters on more than one occasion that she is a Mets fan and the Mets are hoping to capitalize on this.

Among the things discussed at their meeting, the Mets lobbied that, if confirmed, Kagan allow the Mets to use a modified version of Arizona's immigration law to deport Perez and free themselves from his contract.

While they were there, Minaya and Wilpon also got to hear some interesting ideas from President Obama himself.  The most noteworthy involved lifting Major League Baseball's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and making it mandatory for players to tell teams if they are washed up before signing their contract.

Ironically, the loudest voice of opposition is coming from Obama's previous Supreme Court appointee, Justice Sonia Sotomayor.  Sotomayor, a Bronx native and documented Yankees fan, attended a rally outside the White House protesting any bailouts for Wilpon and the Mets.

Despite the opposition Kagan seemed willing to help.  "A player can not be allowed to come here and force a team to throw millions of dollars at him.", Kagan said.  "The team should have a choice."

Minaya then informed her that the Mets did in fact willingly give Perez the 36 million dollar deal under no duress.  Wilpon and Minaya were then immediately escorted off the grounds.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story based on an idea by Larry Smith.

STORY UPDATE: TV Guide Follows The Apple's Lead

We knew it would happen eventually.  The Apple has made it big time.  After reading our story about SNY's new fall lineup, TV Guide announced next week's cover story.  We'll let the picture tell the story.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Police Question Matthews Jr. About Murphy Knee Injury

Syracuse Police today detained and questioned Mets outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. today about his possible involvement in an on-field incident last night that may cost Daniel Murphy the rest of the season. 

Murphy was injured in a AAA game yesterday when he was rolled by Skychief outfielder Leonard Davis.  It is no coincidence that Davis is a long time associate of Matthews and the two were suspected of tampering with Carlos Beltran's knee brace earlier this year.  No charges were ever filed in that incident due to lack of evidence.

The cornerstone of this investigation however is surveillance footage obtained by the Syracuse Police which appears to capture a meeting that occurred this morning outside of a shady Syracuse motel.  The footage is believed to show Matthews paying off Davis for services rendered.  Services possibly rendered to the knee of Daniel Murphy.

Matthews insists that he was simply using his off day to pay off an old golf wager and he has done nothing wrong.  At the moment it does not look like any charges will be filed and the Syracuse PD won't be making a move until they have interviewed Davis and Murphy as well. 

Sergeant Rick Leach of the Syracuse Police Department is optimistic they will eventually be able to build a case.  "These guys can't be allowed to continue to flaunt their indiscretions this way.", says Leach.  "The fact that they are doing the deal in full uniform is a slap in the face to law enforcement everywhere.  The one guy is wearing a batting helmet for Pete's sake." 

So for the moment it appears that Matthews Jr's roster spot is safe.  If you ask us, this sounds like a case for Lance Strongjaw.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

SNY Taps Burkhardt To Anchor New Drama Lineup

SNY likes Kevin Burkhardt a lot!  A recent Neilsen survey showed that so far this season Kevin Burkhardt has received more screen time than 46% of the Mets roster.  Whether he is interviewing a celebrity, shooting the breeze with a Mets legend or simply eating a chili dog for the amusement of Gary, Keith, and Ron, no job is too difficult for the man know around SNY as "The Hardt".

Now SNY has chosen Burkhardt to become the backbone of it's new Wednesday night drama lineup.  Burkhardt will play Detective Lance Strongjaw on the new SNY series CSI: Citi Field.  Strongjaw will investigate various crimes in and around Citi Field.   SNY has released the following sneak peak at the storyline of the premier episode:

"Bait & Pitch"
36 million dollars has gone missing from Citi Field.  The only clues are empty taco wrappers scattered around the crime scene.  Lance Stronjaw (Burkhardt) must solve the case and retrieve the money.

The network hopes that CSI: Citi Field will be a strong lead in for it's future programing.  Other shows planned for this season include a hospital drama called D.L. starring Ray Ramirez and a courtroom drama starring Keith Hernandez as take no prisoners D.A. Mex Sanchez.

SNY execs are hopeful that the shows will become the network's top ratings earners.  The top ratings spot on SNY is currently occupied by Gary Matthews Jr.'s Dance Party which airs weekdays at midnight.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

The Apple Solves Mets Road Troubles

You may have noticed we've been a little slow on the updates this holiday weekend.  The truth is The Apple was traveling on a secret mission to San Diego.  Now that we have returned we can disclose the secret nature of our mission.  Tonight when the Mets take the field they will enjoy a familiar sight.

The Apple sent a team of workers to replace the batters eye at Petco Park with a replica of the Citi Field batters eye.  If our plan works it will help the Mets make their league worst 7-17 road record look more like their league best 19-9 home record.

The move did not come without a catch though.  Petco Park staff would only let us install the backdrop on the condition that we also install a screen in front of the mound that makes all Mets pitchers look like Oliver Perez.   

Will our plan work?  Will Gary Matthews Jr. ever get another hit?  Did Kevin Burkhardt enjoy the halibut?  Find out tonight as the Mets take on the Padres at 10:05PM.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.