Ben Affleck Returns In Gigli 2: Gee-Lee

I don't like it any more than you, but it had to be done.

Mets Win A Thriller 6-5! Captain Shorts Is Pleased!

Video: What It Would Look Like Had The Mets Simply Chose To End The Season After Sweeping The Phillies...

The Mets just swept the Phillies in Philly. It doesn't get any better than that. So, why are they going to continue playing games after this? Call me a cynic, but this could realistically end up being the high point of the season. So why not just walk away while you're on top? I'll even go one step further and say the credits should roll after the Davis 3-run shot, don't even show the actual ending to the game. Don't believe me? Watch this video of how the season could possibly end and tell me I'm not on to something...

Rather Than Suspend Cole Hamels The MLB Should Sentence Him To A Worse Punishment...

...make him play goalie for the Flyers. 

The Apple Confirms Ryan Howard Was Indeed Riding A Scooter In Whole Foods

A few days ago, a grainy photo allegedly shows Ryan Howard riding a scooter at Whole Foods, surfaced.  The internet was abuzz with people debating the authenticity of the photo.  Well I've solved the case.  The Apple has acquired another photo which removes all doubt.

It Looks Like The Yankees & Phillies Are Playing In October After All...

I'm just happy to see Ryan Howard is not letting the Achilles thing keep him off the course.

You've Had A Rough Night Mets Fans, I Hope This Helps A Little...

Thanks Cole.  We can always count on you to be there for us.

Damn Phillies Come In And Jack Up Our Ticket Prices Tonight

I'll be watching from the luxury suite also known as my living room.  But for those of you planning to make the trip you can score some sweet tickets here.

Chris Young / Mets Dunk Phillies 7-1

Welcome To The Club Philly, I Believe You Already Know The Yankees

Paul The Octopus Says Mets Will Take NL East In Second Half

Have no fear Mets fans.  Your beloved Amazin's will win the National League East in 2010.  It has been written.  The decision came late last night from over 4,000 miles across the Atlantic when Paul the Octopus said it would be so.

In case you've been under a sports rock for the last month, we will recap.  Caught up in World Cup fever, the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany decided to let their Octopus, named Paul, take a shot at predicting the outcome of the German squad's games.  Before a German game, the aquarium would lower two containers, each containing a treat, into Paul's tank.  One adorned with the German flag, the other with the opponent's flag.  The container Paul chose first would determine the outcome of the game.

Sounds harmless enough except that the cephalopod went undefeated for the whole tournament, even predicting a Spain victory in his only non-German prognostication.  The Octopus with a person's name has become a major tourist attraction during the World Cup. It only makes sense that the aquarium would want to keep this going so they decided to take a crack at American sports.

Yesterday, three containers were placed in his tank representing the three contending teams in the NL East.  Paul examined the three carefully before finally selecting the Mets as the team that will come out of the east.

When told of the prediction, Mets manager could only ask if this Paul Octopus guy was available to come out of the bullpen.  In Manuel's words, "I would take me a little longer to burn out eight arms as opposed to one.  That just might get us through the stretch run."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Arms Race Heats Up As Phillies Sign Knuckleballer McHugedong

The Phillies have been watching the progress of R.A. Dickey very closely.  They have seen how much the uncomfortably named hurler has captured the imagination of the Citi Field faithful.  Now, trailing in the standings and eager to make a splash the Phillies have found a pitcher who they believe will put them over the top.  His name: I.M. McHugedong.

A career minor leaguer up till now, Isaac Martin McHugedong has been turning heads within the Phillies organization since perfecting his knuckleball.  GM Ruben Amaro Jr. explains.  "We are not blind to the 'Dickey Fever' that has been going on in New York.  We saw a chance to bring a guy in who might help up win games but more importantly will sell merchandise.", Amaro Jr. told the Apple.  "To be honest, his knuckler is average at best but as long as he sells jerseys we don't really care."

And sell jerseys he has.  The response has been amazing.  Only one hour after the announcement, MLB.com is already reporting that McHugedong is now leading the league in ironic jersey purchases by smart ass fans.  Kosuke Fukudome has been bumped down to second while Chien Ming Wang falls to third.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Phillies Run Scoring Celebration Put On Hold After 3rd Consecutive Shutout

The champagne was on ice and the t-shirts were printed.  Unfortunately someone forgot to tell the Phillies.  As a morale booster for the team, the Phillies front office decided to plan a raucous post game celebration in honor of the teams first run since Jackie Robinson day in April.  Sadly that run never came.

The Phillies will now have to pack up the shirts, emblazoned with the words "We Scored" on the front and the team logo on the back, and have them shipped to Florida with the hopes that their fortunes improve at Tampax Pearl Stadium this weekend against Los Marlins.

Regardless of what happens on the remainder of their road trip, Phillies management is already discussing moving in the fences at Citizens Bank Park some more.  Apparently the team became so enamored with the dimensions at Mr. Met's Kiddie Field that they hope to reconfigure their home park to play even more like it than it already does.  There has been no confirmation yet if they will include a tee as well.

As for the Mets, they were celebrating with their own shirts courtesy of Mets Broadcaster Gary Cohen.  Cohen, apparently was so confident in the Mets pitching staff that he had the shirts printed up yesterday by local t-shirt company,  The 7 Line. 

Darren Meenan of The 7 Line recalls the encounter, "This guy comes into the shop all fired up and says he wants this many shirts and he wants them to say Goose Egg Sweep.  We asked him what the hell a goose egg sweep was and he told us that by the time the night was over we would know.  His only concern seemed to be that the game end before midnight so the date would be right."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For some really cool and unique Mets T-Shirts, visit www.the7line.com

Phillies Take BP at Kiddie Field To Prepare for R.A. Dickey

The Phillies arrived in NY early and used their off day to take extra BP in anticipation of facing knuckleballer R.A. Dickey on Tuesday night.  While this is not all that unusual, the venue for BP was.  The Phillies opted to take their BP on Mr. Met's Kiddie field.

According to team sources, the Phils felt that the natural movement of a wiffle ball would better simulate Dickey's knuckler and give the Phillies an edge.  According to some players though, there is another reason.  Jimmy Rollins explains, "We like Kiddie Field a little better than Citi.  The dimensions here are much closer to what we have at home.  I mean, have you seen that stadium they play in here? It's scary man.  Routine fly balls actually get caught here."

The Phillies were not alone however at Kiddie Field on Monday.  A couple of Mets were also on hand.  Carlos Beltran, who had just been cleared to resume "Wiffle Activities", and Gary Matthews Jr. also took BP on Monday.  The team has requested that Matthews take all BP on Kiddie Field from now on to boost his confidence and allow real hitters more AB's in actual BP.  Oliver Perez pitched both sessions.

In an interesting twist, all players had to clear the field early due to a scheduling conflict.  Apparently Monday was also the scheduled day for the New York Knicks vs. Maccabi Tel Aviv charity Wiffle Ball game.  Maccabi won the game 12-3.

editors note: Jimmy Rollins was placed back on the DL upon hearing news that they could not play the actual game on Kiddie Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Actually, Oliver Perez was hit in the eye with a Wiffle Ball but he is OK now.

Mets Hire Philadelphia Tazing Cop As "Injury Motivator"

When Omar Minaya saw the footage of a Philadelphia police officer tazing a rowdy fan on Monday night, he knew what his next move was going to be immediately.  Minaya quickly got on the phone and contacted the Philadelphia police department to inquire about the officers availability.

The plan?  Minaya feels that this man and his "Tazer of Justice" could be just the motivational tool needed to speed up the convalescence of injured Mets players, in particularly, Carlos Beltran.

"We need guys like Murphy and Beltran back with the big club and we think this guy can help us get there sooner with his unique motivational approach.", Minaya told the Apple via cell phone last night.  "This guy can beat you in so many ways.  I mean literally beat you.  He has sticks, guns, pepper spray and of course, that wonderful tazer."

Beltran could not be reached for comment but according to Minaya, the Mets expect him to begin working with the officer later this week.  In a possibly unrelated note, Mike Pelfrey released a statement today saying he feels much better.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were tazed in the writing of this story.

Derby "Lucky Bet" Winner Fullerton Loses Winnings on Mets

Glen Fullerton was on the hot streak of a lifetime.  First the computer programmer from Houston, TX wins CNBC's "Call The Close" contest for a chance to bet $100,000 on the Kentucky Derby.  Then he chose a 9-1 horse named Super Saver and hit a $900,000 jackpot when the horse won this Saturday's Kentucky Derby.  It was all too easy for Fullerton, so you can understand why he might have been feeling invincible when he put his $900,000 winnings on the dependable left arm of Mets ace Johan Santana.

"This guy is so consistent.", said Fullerton, in a special pre-game press conference before Sunday nights Mets-Phillies matchup.  "If they score a few runs for him, I can't lose."

As it turns out, the Mets would have needed to score 12 runs as Santana turned in the worst performance of his career in an 11-5 loss that cost the Mets first place and cost Fullerton almost a million dollars.  Was the enormous bet going through the mind of the usually reliable lefty?

"Maybe...I don't know.", Santana told The Apple after the game.  "It was definitely on my mind before the game.  I even talked to Oliver Perez about how to deal with so much undeserved money being on the line and he gave me some advice but I thought I was in a good place mentally when I took the mound.  I guess maybe I was still thinking about it."


Santana will throw next against the Giants at Citi Field over the weekend.  As for Fullerton, he will return to his computer programming job in Houston with empty pockets and one heck of a story to tell.

The lesson in all of this?  Whether it's baseball or horse racing: There's no such thing as a sure thing.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mr. Met/Phanatic Suspended After Altercation At Local Night Spot

With the Mets on a roll and an off day on the schedule, Mr. Met decided it would be a good time to head down to Philly with some friends and blow off some steam.  Unfortunately for Mr. Met, what seemed like a good idea now has the lovable Mets mascot facing a 3 game suspension and possible criminal charges.

The trouble began at around 1:AM at Chez Plushie, a popular Philadelphia night club that caters to mascot types.  Mr. Met was at the club with his entourage which included Sandy the Seagull, Buster The Bison, Cowbell Man and of course Jay Horwitz.  According to witnesses, The Philly Phanatic, who was also at the club, began to give Mr. Met "The Whammy" from across the room and Mr. Met took offense.  This only provoked the Phanatic further who then began making a choke sign at the Mr. Met.

Jim Schmidt of Allentown was at the club that night.  "At first it seemed more playful than anything.", recalls Schmidt.  "There really weren't any words being exchanged, but I guess that might because these things don't talk.  All I know is all of a sudden the fur was flying, literally."

Allegedly, Mr. Met crossed the dance floor and began choking the Phanatic.  The two began exchanging blows until they were briefly separated by members of club security.  Unfortunately the pair got loose and the fight was on again.

It was at this time that witnesses say an as yet unidentified member of Mr. Met's entourage went to his car and returned firing a 9mm handgun wildly into the club.  Fortunately, no one was hit as clubgoers rushed to flee the scene.

Philadelphia Police have taken both Mr. Met and the Phanatic into custody until they can determine what charges, if any, will be filed.

The league however is not taking a wait and see approach as both mascots are suspended for this weekend's series.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.