Recycled Apples: Omar Minaya's Christmas Album

I promise I'll get some new stuff up soon but for now here's something from the archives.  Omar Minaya's Christmas album.  See the complete track list here.

Outtakes From The Mets First Kiss Video

Yesterday on MLB.com the Mets debuted a video featuring various Mets talking about their first kisses.  The video starred Josh Thole, Dylan Gee, Angel Pagan & Jose Reyes sharing stories about their first encounters with the opposite sex but The Apple has learned that the video was shot months ago and features other current and former Mets.  Major League baseball has released excerpts of these interviews to The Apple.  Enjoy.

Former Mets GM Omar Minaya Releases Christmas Album

Omar Minaya is not letting losing his job get him down.  Today at a Manhattan Best Buy, the former Mets GM attended an event to celebrate the release of his first music CD.  The album, entitled Christmas with Minaya and Friends, is a compilation of holiday classics as sung by Omar Minaya.  Joining him on the CD are such former Mets employees as Tony Bernazard, Willie Randolph, Jerry Manuel & others.

The track list contains many modern takes on classic songs such as:

“Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (And He Can Beat You In So Many Ways)”

“It Came Upon A Midnight Clear…and Fired Me”

Featuring Willie Randolph

“Mediocre King Wenceslas”

“Take My Shirt Off & Threaten To Deck The Halls”

Featuring Tony Bernazard

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Adam Rubin”

“What Child Is This…and Why Isn’t He Bunting?”

Featuring Jerry Manuel

“John Maine Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

“The Four Years Of Castillo”

Sung to the tune of The 12 Days Of Christmas

“Last Christmas (I Gave You 36 Million Dollars)”

Duet with Oliver Perez

Christmas with Minaya & Friends hits Best Buy store shelves today.  Next week look for it in your local .99 cent store.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Omar Minaya's Faceplate Falls Off During Press Conference

What little chance the Wilpon's had of retaining Omar Minaya as GM next season went up in smoke today when Minaya's faceplate fell off during a bronze level press conference, revealing the Mets General Manager's metal endoskeleton. 

The revelation confirmed what many in the media have been suspecting for some time now, that Omar Minaya is a cost-cutting robot created by the Wilpon's to ensure they remain in control of the team while offering the fans a scapegoat for the team's shortcomings.

But this wasn't always the case.  According to a source inside the Mets front office, the team made the switch shortly after the Oliver Perez contract was signed.  Concerned about the real Minaya's reckless spending, the Wilpon's bought out Minaya's contract on the condition that he return to the Dominican Republic and keep out of the public eye while the Minaya-bot took over his identity here. 

While there is officially no rule in the books regarding replacing your GM with a cyborg, it is generally frowned upon by Major League Baseball.  An official inside the offices of the MLB told us that the league was already watching the Mets closely because they believed the Mets had replaced manager Jerry Manuel with a bunting machine.  As it turned out, Jerry Manuel just really likes bunting.

Minaya -bot is expected to finish out the season as the team's GM.  While the Wilpon/Okon ownership group has made no official statement, it is generally believed that to avoid any further embarrassment the Mets will return to a human GM next season.  A team source however did tell us that the Mets have already begun construction on a John Ricco cyborg just in case.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Brass Looking To Hire Chinese Actors For Upcoming Homestand

It's no big secret that attendance is down at Mets games.  With the team languishing below .500 at the start of September, Mets ownership is preparing for the worse.  According to one source within the Mets PR department, the team has reached out to the same group of Chinese actors who so skillfully impersonated North Korean fans at this summer's World Cup in South Africa.

"We have to be honest with ourselves.", says an unnamed Mets executive who we'll simply refer to as Jay H. to protect his anonymity.  "The competitive part of our season is over.  If we don't do something we'll be looking at an empty ballpark in September.  The Phillies are coming to town and we saw a potentially embarrassing situation developing."   So why doesn't the team simply give the tickets away to fans?  "We actually tried that.  Right now most of our fans are not returning our phone calls.  This was just easier."

Chinese actor Jiang Wenli welcomes the opportunity.  "We are excited to broaden our horizons and bring our unique skill to the West.", says Wenli.  "We have already been contacted by the NJ Nets, the NY Islanders and the WNBA."

At least one member of the Mets front office approves of the move.  "I got a chance to see what they can do at the World Cup and I am excited.", says Mets GM Omar Minaya.  "These guys can cheer for you in so many different ways."

Fans hoping to join Jiang Wenli at the ballpark this weekend can purchase tickets from mets.com or 718-507-TIXX.  The Mets ticket office says there are a lot, and we mean A LOT, of good seats still available.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Frazzled Minaya Calls Up The Wrong "Players"

It appears the day in day out stresses of fighting for his job may have finally gotten to Mets GM Omar Minaya.  On Wednesday, the embattled GM held a gold level press conference to formally introduce the Mets two newest faces to the media.  The press in attendance was expecting to meet newcomer Joaquin Arias and call-up Lucas Duda, but were disappointed and bewildered when Minaya introduced his new players Joaquin Phoenix and Lucas Prata.

Minaya apparently got some bad information which he blamed on his lousy iPhone reception.  "John (Ricco) called me last night and told me what moves we were making.", said Minaya.  "The phone was breaking up pretty bad and I thought the moves sounded strange but at this point I really don't give a crap.  I guess these guys can beat you in a lot of ways or something...whatever."

Fans may remember Lucas Prata for his 2006 smash hit "And we say... (Let's Go Mets)".  The song became an anthem for the 2006 squad and climbed to #1 on the Billboard music chart in the "songs concocted entirely as marketing tools" category.  The song was also apparently a favorite of Jersey Shore "star" Snooki.  Prata told the Apple he originally thought he was being called in to sing the anthem but when the Mets placed a contract in front of him he figured he'd just go along with it.

As for Phoenix, the actor turned rapper turned homeless man clearly had no idea where he was and when asked for his opinion of the situation simply muttered something incoherent and wandered off into an empty conference room.

Despite the blunder, the Wilpon/Okon ownership group is not all that upset.  Ownership feels that adding Phoenix will increase awareness amongst non-baseball fans and the homeless, while Prata will add a guido element missing since the departure of Paul Loduca.  Additionally, the two players will make next to nothing.  Prata signed a league minimum deal that expires at the end of the season while Phoenix has agreed to play for a case of Thunderbird Wine.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Gets Vote Of Confidence From An Unlikely Source

At least one potential free agent is backing Omar Minaya.  On Tuesday, Braves 3rd Baseman Chipper Jones called Omar "a shining light for veterans looking for bloated contracts." 

Though under contract with Atlanta through 2012 and seriously considering retirement, the Braves slugger has not ruled out bringing his talents to Flushing in 2013. 

"If Omar is still there it is something I would deeply consider.", said Chipper.  "I have always enjoyed Queens and my kids are getting older and college isn't getting any cheaper.  One of Omar's famous 'pay you for what you did 10 years ago' contracts might be just what I need when I am in my 40's."

For the record, Chipper's children Shea Jones and Citi Field Jones both support the move.

Omar Minaya also supports the idea.  "The guy has proven that he can beat you in so many ways.", said Minaya. "We would love to have that kind of pedigree on our team.  Also, I think our world class medical staff can extend his career by 4 years.  Just like they did with Luis." 

Jeff Wilpon was reluctant to talk to us but he eventually told us, "If Omar is still here in 2013, he has my full support to sign Chipper Jones."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Desperate Mets Turn To Broadcasters / Bloggers For Relief...Literally

With their season spiraling out of control, the Mets are looking for help anywhere they can get it.  Even if that means they have to look in some strange places.  With their closer gone and their minor league call-ups offering little help, the Mets today announced that they have purchased the contracts of Kevin Burkhardt and Matt Cerrone.  If you've never heard of these players you would be right.  This is because they are not players at all.  Burkhardt is SNY's roving reporter during Mets broadcasts while Cerrone hosts the Verizon Fan Poll segments and runs the popular website Metsblog.com.

"We got a point where we just feel we've exhausted all traditional options.", said Mets GM Omar Minaya.  "I've seen Kevin on TV and he is very versatile.  He can beat you in so many ways.  Whether it's doing a serious interview or eating a shackburger for Keith Hernandez's amusement.  I don't think he'll have a hard time making the adjustment.  We expect him to be closing games for us when the team returns on Tuesday."

Matt Cerrone will serve a different purpose.  According to Minaya, Cerrone was added to serve as Burkhardt's personal catcher and help ease his transition.  The move also gives the Mets a third catcher which will give Jerry Manuel even more opportunities to misuse his bench, a fan favorite.  Minaya sites one other reason, "The guy kind of looks like Paul LoDuca so that's a good thing."

Burkhardt and Cerrone are scheduled to be activated Tuesday.  Despite having no baseball experience, the duo does not seem worried.  "I doubt we'll see much action.", says Burkhardt.  "You figure there will be about 35 games left at that point.  How many leads will this team even have to close.  I expect I will only pitch twice if at all." 

"I think our role will really just be to warm up in the pen", adds Cerrone.  "It's really important to Jerry to have his "closer" up five or six times in a game.  It calms him."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Agree To Terms With WR Victor Cruz

Reeling from the loss of their closer amid bizarre circumstances, the Mets made an unconventional move on Tuesday morning coming to terms with New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz.  The full terms of the deal have not been disclosed but reports are saying it is in the 3 year, 45 million dollar range.  If these reports are true, it would mean the Mets are making Cruz the highest paid non-baseball player on a major league roster.

Omar Minaya explains the thinking of the team.  "We are struggling right now.", said Minaya. "We were unable to do anything at the trade deadline so I have been looking for alternate ways to help the team.  This is about as alternate as you can get."

In the end, the deal may not matter because the whole thing is contingent on Cruz not making the Giants opening day roster.  A possibility that became less likely after Cruz put on a show on Monday Night Football last night, torching the Jets reserve secondary for 3 TD's in the latter stages of the game. 

Despite the odds being against him, Minaya is excited at the possibility. "This guy has great speed and even better hands.  He really can beat you in so many ways.", said Minaya.  When The Apple asked the Mets GM whether he may be putting too much stock on one pre-season performance, Minaya responded, "Oh I didn't see the game.  I've never actually seen him play.  I just heard his name was Victor Cruz and I knew I had to sign him."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Plan To Replace Left Field Railing With Army Of Zack Hamples

The Mets almost saw their only victory of the weekend slip away on a controversial HR call which involved a fan leaning over the railing in left field.  Not content to let something like that happen again, the Mets have put a plan in place to change things.

Deep under Citi Field is a room the size of a football field.  Lining the walls of this room are rows and rows of glass chambers.  Inside each chamber lies a shadowy figure holding a glove.  The Mets tell us that in 6 months, they will have an army of Zack Hample clones to patrol their left field wall.  The Hample army would ruthlessly suck up any balls hit anywhere near the orange line and render the need for replay unnecessary.   Raul Ibanez will have to wave his finger in some other ballpark.

For those unfamiliar with Hample, he is the self proclaimed "ballhawk" who has caught several thousand baseballs over the last decade or so.  When Carlos Beltran blasted the last homer at Shea in 2008, it was Hample who was waiting in the bleachers to make the catch.

So how did it come to be that the Mets came into possession of their own private army of Hamples?  The idea apparently came to Mets GM Omar Minaya after watching the movie The Island.  The Mets were able to secure a sample of Hample's DNA and set up their cloning operations deep below the ballpark.   The plan will cost an estimated 250 million dollars and will be ready in May of 2011.  The alternative would have been to move the fences in two feet or down 5 feet which would have cost an estimated 250 thousand dollars.  The Mets believe they made the right choice.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Fires Back At Upstart Howard Megdal

Possibly reinvigorated by the recent vote of confidence he received from Mets ownership, Omar Minaya has gone on the offensive against self proclaimed candidate for Mets general manager Howard Megdal.

Megdal has been aggressively campaigning for the general managers position and despite the job not actually being an elected position, Omar is not taking the challenge lightly.  "This Megdal guy can beat you in so many ways.", Minaya told The Apple.   "I can't just sit back and end up with another Adam Rubin situation.  I have to be aggressive with this guy."
  
True to his word, Minaya has gone on the offensive today, launching this attack ad against Megdal.



Megdal has been unavailable for comment but it would seem the battle for the GM job of the Mets has just gotten interesting.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Announce Unusual Promotion For Last Home Game

It appears the writing is on the wall, or at least the web, for Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel.  Earlier today a strange promotion appeared on Mets.com that appears to seal the fate of the beleaguered duo which we lovingly refer to as "Jerrynaya".

The promotion in question is called "Stuff From Jerry and Omar's Offices Day" and is scheduled for Sunday, October 3rd.  While the details are still sketchy, it appears that on that day, the first 25,000 fans in attendance will have the chance to take something from the office of either Manuel or Minaya.  Apparently, nothing is off limits as fans will have their pick of everything from office supplies to family photos.  All items will be authenticated by Steiner Sports and Major League Baseball.

The timing of the announcement comes as no surprise either as Jerrynaya is currently in Atlanta overseeing the mathematical end of the season.  It would appear that the Mets are hoping that by the time they return, this will be old news and the two may not even know about it until fans start showing up to take their stuff away.

Fan reaction so far has been largely positive.  One fan who called himself Eli from Brooklyn said that he hoped to take home the pen that signed off on the Castillo and Perez contracts, while Jennifer Joost told us she hopes to find the dart board that Manuel uses to make substitution decisions.

Calls to the Mets have gone unanswered but a source in the ticket office told The Apple that the game is already close to selling out.  To get your tickets call 718-507-TIXX and tell them you want to buy tickets to the "Stuff From Jerry and Omar's Offices Day" game that you read about on The Apple.

Do it.

We dare you.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Mets Deny Shortage of Funds But Will Begin Charging For Press Conferences

On Friday morning, with the trade deadline less than 24 hours away, Mets General Manager Omar Minaya held a press conference.   The purpose?  To emphatically refute the charges that the team is short on cash.  Additionally, in a move the Mets swear is unrelated, reporters entering the press room were dismayed to learn that starting with this one, all conferences would now require a paid admission. 

With Jeff Wilpon at his side, Minaya announced that the club has decided to create three levels of press conferences.  The GOLD level, carrying a charge of $34.95 per reporter, was for major announcements like trades, firings, and free agent signings.  The SILVER level, which Friday's presser was categorized as, would be $24.95 and would be for less important news.   The BRONZE level, the most common and mundane type would be $14.95 for entry. This level includes the daily announcement as to which players are injured, not on the DL, yet totally unavailable to play. It would also include manager Manuel's pronouncements that it's early and there is still time to turn things around.

The team made it clear that it preferred that the reporters pay at the door in cash but in order to facilitate entry there would be an E-Z Pass lane for those who opt to bring in their tags with them.

Apple reporter Larry Smith attended but it was difficult for him to hear everything Omar was saying over the noise of the vendors hawking cold beer and peanuts.  Apparently the team also has a new deal in place with Aramark which makes them the official concessions provider at all press events.

In essence, Minaya made it clear that ownership will allow him to increase payroll as needed. When asked whether the team had plans to release the seemingly useless Oliver Perez, Omar stated emphatically that Ollie does have a role on the team.  Being the pitcher for the 15th inning of games.  He pointed out that the Cardinals end up using position players when their games get real long but that Jerry Manuel has it always planned out to have Ollie ready to go when the games get very very long.  A reverse closer of sorts.

The conference broke up after 20 minutes when it was announced that all further questions would be charged for at the rate of $5 per question.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Written by Larry Smith and Randy Medina.

Gooden To Start On Sunday Vs. Diamondbacks - Takahashi To Bullpen

Dwight Gooden is feeling a little confused these days.  On Wednesday night the 45 year-old ex-Met signed what he thought was a one day contract being offered by the Mets so that he could retire as a member of the team he spent his best years with.  Perhaps Doc should have read his contract a little more closely.  At the request of Jerry Manuel, the contract was actually a 100 day contract that would add Gooden to the Mets rotation for the duration of the 2010 season. 

Jerry Manuel is hoping that what started out as a symbolic gesture by the Mets front office will end up benefiting him on the field.   "The guy is a former Cy Young Award winner.  I don't see how that can hurt us.", said Manuel.  "Plus we get to have Takahashi back in the pen full time."

Early this morning, a confused Gooden was taken to Citi Field for a photo shoot.  "Are they serious?", Gooden asked the Apple.  "I'm an old man.  I'm not even in good shape for a 45 year old.  I'm tired.  I just want to go home.  Also, why does Shea look so different?"

While the Mets will pay Gooden the league minimum, the contract includes stiff penalties should Gooden walk away.   In essence, Gooden is trapped.

Omar Minaya seemed pleased with the move.  "We saw a chance to add a Cy Young Award winner and not add payroll.  We had to pull the trigger.", said Minaya.  "Even at 45, Doc can still beat you in so many ways.  I haven't actually seen him throw, but I assume he's kept in game shape."

Gooden will start on Sunday vs. Barry Enright and the D-Backs.  Tickets are still available by calling 718-507-TIXX.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Based on an idea by Larry Smith.

Minaya Believes He Can Cure Pelfrey...Using Inception

If you are a regular reader of the Apple you already know that we are the only news outlet covering Omar Minaya's ongoing battle with reality.  Well, he's at it again.

Apparently, the Mets GM watched another "documentary" this weekend and believes he has found the answer for his troubled righty.  Minaya explained his plan to The Apple in a phone conversation early Tuesday morning.

"This Cobb guy can beat you in so many ways.  He is the best at what he does.", said Minaya, speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio's character.  "We intend to hire this Cobb guy and get into Mike's head and eliminate the problem by instilling self confidence at the deepest level."

For those of you who are new to the Apple you should know that we are under a gag order from the Mets to never correct Minaya, though we have to admit that we would sign up for this plan in a heartbeat if it was actually possible.

If the plan succeeds, the Mets GM suspects that Pelfrey's pitching problems will melt away.  But, the plan is not without risk.

"Anytime you change things in the brain you have to be careful.", Minaya explained.  "He could wake up and not remember how to pitch at all.  I think that is what happened with Maine.  Also there is a small chance that we could all become trapped in limbo forever."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Investigative Report: Mets Approached Pagan About Oblique Transplant

The Apple's investigative reporter Larry Smith has done it again.  Always lurking in the shadows of the Mets clubhouse, Smith has uncovered a plot so sinister, it will change the way you think about how the Mets handle injuries.  Actually on second thought you are probably already pretty unhappy with how they handle injuries but that doesn't make this any less twisted.

In a taped phone conversation which reportedly took place on Thursday afternoon, Mets management is heard asking Angel Pagan if he would consider an operation to swap oblique muscles with teammate Jose Reyes.  The Mets were apparently panicked because Jose had once again been scratched and the only other solution they had on the table was to call up a fourth catcher.

During the conversation, the Mets state that they feel that Pagan's oblique, which healed quickly when he injured it recently, is battle tested and more durable than that of Reyes and that there was a possibility that Pagan's body might actually speed up the healing process of Jose's balky oblique.  

Pagan was less receptive to the idea.  Noticeably upset, he can be heard shouting, "What the (expletive deleted), man? Are you (expletive deleted) kidding me?  You can't take my good muscle out!"

With Pagan seemingly out of the running as a donor the Mets will have to explore other ways of getting the oblique they want.  Reports that Omar Minaya was seen entering Nick Evans' hotel room last night with a bottle of chloroform and a cooler have not been confirmed.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.  Thanks to Larry Smith for risking life and limb to get the story.

Frankie Rodriguez Uses Break To Launch New Ad Campaign

For Francisco Rodriguez, the All-Star break could not come at a better time.  Having appeared in 42 games and somehow warming up 134 times, the veteran reliever could use some time off.  But more importantly for Frankie, the All Star break provides an opportunity to work on closing some off the field business.

Today in New York City, K-Rod launched a new advertising campaign on city buses throughout the five boroughs.  As part of the deal Frankie becomes the face of Prevacid heartburn medication.  The ads feature a picture of the Mets closer along with the slogan "After I've Given You Heartburn, Try Prevacid 24".

Prevacid marketing representative John Wagner explains how the partnership came to be.  "We began to notice that there was a 150% spike in sales of Prevacid the day after Francisco appeared in a Mets game.", said Wagner.  "When he blew a save, sales went up 200%.  To put it simply, this guy is putting our kids through college."

Longtime Prevacid user Omar Minaya is thrilled with the campaign.  "I was really glad to see Frankie align himself with such a great product.", Minaya told the Apple.  "This stuff can beat heartburn in so many ways."

Look for K-Rod's advertisements to start appearing on city buses today.  The ad's are scheduled to run through October though if sales continue to increase, there are talks that the company would like to extend the campaign as well as set up a pavilion inside Citi Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Not Worried About Trade Deadline

While the trade deadline is still more than a month away, Mets GM Omar Minaya is not worried.  On Sunday, Minaya told The Apple about his backup plan in the event that the Mets are unable to land any help via the trade market.  His plan: time travel.

"We're going to try as hard as we can to get something done via traditional methods but in the event that it doesn't work out, we are exploring alternative methods of acquiring talent.", Minaya told The Apple.  While the farm system would be the logical assumption, Minaya insists he has found something more radical.  "I was watching this documentary about this kid and his time traveling car.  He went back to 1955 and almost destroyed himself but I think the potential is there.  If we can get this guy on our side, imagine the players we can bring back.  This guy could beat you in so many ways.  If we don't act quickly another team or possibly the Libyans are going to get to him first."

Minaya is not oblivious to the difficulties presented by time travel. 

"We'd have to change these guys names for starters.  People might get suspicious if we put Jackie Robinson at second but if we call up Jackie Sanchez from the minors no one will bat an eyelash. There is the small possibility that we could destroy the universe but this is New York and the fans expect you to do everything you can to win."

Minaya has clearly thought of everything.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Minaya Upset With Missing History At Progressive Field

Omar Minaya is at it again.  The Mets GM is once again having problems separating fiction from reality.  Speaking to the press yesterday, Minaya condemned the Indians for not having anything up at the ballpark honoring the great teams of the late 80's and early 90's.  Unfortunately for Omar, he is speaking of the Charlie Sheen led Indians from the 1989 movie Major League.

If you remember the last time this happened, you already know that the Apple is under orders from the Mets front office to never correct Omar on these things so we just let him explain his side of the story.

"We got killed last year by a lot of the fans for not doing enough to honor our organization's history.  I am shocked that the Indians would make the same mistake.", Minaya told the Apple.  He went on to express his fondness for that '89 Indians team.  "Those guys could beat you in so many ways.  They had Hayes, Cerrano, Dorn & Taylor in the lineup and Vaughn could start or come out of the pen.  To not honor those guys is a travesty.  I'm going to talk to (Dave) Howard when we get back about possibly building a second rotunda."

As for Minaya's favorite '89 Twin?  "Without a doubt, Eddie Harris, the crafty veteran.  I don't believe any of the rumors that he put snot on the ball.  No one has ever proven that."


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Turn To Washington D.C. To Solve Perez Dilema

The Mets have frequently stated they are exploring every option with Oliver Perez.  On Thursday they proved it.  Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya made a trip to Washington D.C. to meet with Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan.  Kagan has told reporters on more than one occasion that she is a Mets fan and the Mets are hoping to capitalize on this.

Among the things discussed at their meeting, the Mets lobbied that, if confirmed, Kagan allow the Mets to use a modified version of Arizona's immigration law to deport Perez and free themselves from his contract.

While they were there, Minaya and Wilpon also got to hear some interesting ideas from President Obama himself.  The most noteworthy involved lifting Major League Baseball's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy and making it mandatory for players to tell teams if they are washed up before signing their contract.

Ironically, the loudest voice of opposition is coming from Obama's previous Supreme Court appointee, Justice Sonia Sotomayor.  Sotomayor, a Bronx native and documented Yankees fan, attended a rally outside the White House protesting any bailouts for Wilpon and the Mets.

Despite the opposition Kagan seemed willing to help.  "A player can not be allowed to come here and force a team to throw millions of dollars at him.", Kagan said.  "The team should have a choice."

Minaya then informed her that the Mets did in fact willingly give Perez the 36 million dollar deal under no duress.  Wilpon and Minaya were then immediately escorted off the grounds.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story based on an idea by Larry Smith.