Clubhouse Of Horror: Night Of The Living Dead Weight

Dammit, I thought we were done with these guys!

Good Bye Frankie or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Trade

Sandy Alderson Puts K-Rod Up For Sale On eBay

Sandy Alderson, proactive as always, has decided to market his closer Francisco Rodriguez in a new innovative way.  He has put him up for auction at Ebay.

We found him listed under  Sporting Goods > Outdoor Sports > Baseball > Pitchers > Closers > RH'd

The detailed information we found when we clicked on the link said:

13 Rejected Ideas For The Mets Amazin' Fan Perks Program

Earlier today, Dave Howard announced that the Mets will be going the extra mile to make season ticket holders feel appreciated.  In addition to ticket discounts, the Mets also announced the Amazin' Mets Perks program that gives season ticket holders the opportunity to enjoy special events, luxury suites and even once in a lifetime experiences like bringing your glove and watching batting practice on the field from the left center field warning track at Citi Field.  The list is so long it got us wondering if there was anything the Mets would not do.  As it turns out, we uncovered this list of rejected Amazin Mets Perks ideas.  Enjoy!

  13) Get walked by Oliver Perez

12) A signed piece of John Maine’s bone spur.

11) Dance Lessons from Jose Reyes plus your very own secret handshake

10) Private VIP line at Shake Shack

9) A golf outing with Johan Santana 

(Female Fans Only)

8) One (1) Complimentary knee surgery by Carlos Beltran’s personal doctor in Arizona 

(Team permission not required)

7) Autographed and Framed strands of Keith Hernandez’s mustache hair from Steiner Sports

6) Watch a game in a luxury suite while you are waited on by Luis Castillo

5) A rotunda named after you.

4) Watch a game from an obstructed view seat with Dave Howard while he defines the term obstructed to you.

3) Access to a special private condiments bar that hasn’t been sneezed on by half of the ballpark.

2) Private bathroom complete with urinal divider and flushing urinal.

1) A personalized text message from Frankie Rodriguez…and then 55 more personalized text messages from Frankie Rodriguez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Francisco Rodriguez Inks Deal With EA Sports To Pitch Upcoming Boxing Game

Frankie Rodriguez knows how to make the best of a bad situation.  Just one day after learning he will be facing new charges for violating a court order, the former Mets closer signed a deal with video game company Electronic Arts to act as a pitchman for their upcoming Fight Night boxing title.

Under the terms of the deal, Rodriguez, who may be preparing for life after baseball, will appear at publicity events and appear as a playable character in the game.

Brian Haynes, gameplay producer for the Fight Night series tells us why EA believes it is a good fit. "Due to an exclusivity agreement currently in place, we can't make any Major League Baseball licensed games.", said Haynes.  "Because of this we have looked into alternative ways of incorporating baseball stars into existing franchises.  K-Rod's right hook is in all the papers right now.  It was a perfect match for the Fight Night series."

For those of you who have been under a rock, K-Rod injured himself in August during a fight with his father-in-law over the Mets Senior Stroll promotion.

Fight Night Champion is expected to arrive on store shelves sometime in 2011.  K-Rod is expected to arrive in a New York courtroom on October 7.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Brass Hopes Unorthodox K-Rod Punishment Sends Message To The Team

On Wednesday, Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez was arrested on third degree assault charges after a family argument about the Senior Stroll turned violent.  Thursday, the Mets handed down their punishment, a two game suspension.  Some around the team felt that the suspension was too lenient and that because the incident took place in the stadium in front of player's family members, the Mets needed to send a stronger message.

To calm those voices, the Mets announced today that the suspension is just the beginning of K-Rod's punishment.  Mets president Dave Howard explains.  "You have to send a strong message to these guys that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.", says Howard.  "The suspension is a start but he owes this whole team an apology and we think this additional punishment is the best way."

The punishment Howard is describing involves K-Rod reporting to the clubhouse early today to write "I am sorry I beat up my father in law." one thousand times in both English and Spanish on the clubhouse chalkboard.  To protect their investment, the Mets closer will have to write lefty so as not to use his pitching hand.

While the punishment may seem a bit juvenile, some players can attest to the effectiveness of the method.  "I worked for me.", said Jeff Francoeur, who earlier this year had to write "I will not describe my hitting as a laser show'' one thousand times.  "I'll never do that again."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Breaking News: K-Rod Family Fist Fight Sparked By Argument Over Mets Senior Stroll

By now you've heard about K-Rod's little dust up with a family member on Wednesday night.  What you haven't yet heard is what the started the whole ruckus.  Well thankfully The Apple has talked to some witnesses and has the whole story.

We spoke to the wife of one of the Mets players who was in the family lounge and heard the commotion unfolding.  "It was mostly in Spanish but I took 2 years of Spanish in high school and I think I made out most of it.", said the woman did not wish to be identified so we'll only refer to as the wife of a Mets knuckleballer.    "Apparently, this one gentleman was adamant about going on the field.  He was already talking about it before Frankie got here."

Our source explains that when Rodriguez entered the room, already agitated, the man started asking when he was going to go on the field for the Senior Stroll.  Apparently, Frankie tried to explain to him that the stroll was not till Thursday and that he couldn't go on the field tonight.  The man became agitated.  K-Rod, getting angrier himself, explained that because there was a day game it was very important that the grounds crew be allowed to work.

When that failed to placate the man, the Mets reliever pointed out that at 53, his father-in-law was not even eligible for the stroll.  This set off the man who was heard saying, "If my daughter was married to Mariano, this wouldn't happen."

Apparently this was the last straw as Rodriguez lost his temper and the two began a shoving match that spilled out into the hallway before being broken up by police. Rodriguez was taken into custody while his father-in-law was taken to the hospital to be treated for a few minor bumps.

K-Rod was unavailable for comment.  The Senior Stroll is still scheduled for this afternoon whether permitting.  There is no word on whether Rodriguez's father-in-law will attend.
 
All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Frankie Rodriguez Uses Break To Launch New Ad Campaign

For Francisco Rodriguez, the All-Star break could not come at a better time.  Having appeared in 42 games and somehow warming up 134 times, the veteran reliever could use some time off.  But more importantly for Frankie, the All Star break provides an opportunity to work on closing some off the field business.

Today in New York City, K-Rod launched a new advertising campaign on city buses throughout the five boroughs.  As part of the deal Frankie becomes the face of Prevacid heartburn medication.  The ads feature a picture of the Mets closer along with the slogan "After I've Given You Heartburn, Try Prevacid 24".

Prevacid marketing representative John Wagner explains how the partnership came to be.  "We began to notice that there was a 150% spike in sales of Prevacid the day after Francisco appeared in a Mets game.", said Wagner.  "When he blew a save, sales went up 200%.  To put it simply, this guy is putting our kids through college."

Longtime Prevacid user Omar Minaya is thrilled with the campaign.  "I was really glad to see Frankie align himself with such a great product.", Minaya told the Apple.  "This stuff can beat heartburn in so many ways."

Look for K-Rod's advertisements to start appearing on city buses today.  The ad's are scheduled to run through October though if sales continue to increase, there are talks that the company would like to extend the campaign as well as set up a pavilion inside Citi Field.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.