Mets Announce New "Alternate" Mascot For 2012

Mets fans have spoken and the team is listening. Yesterday evening the Mets sent me this email:

Disagreement Over Urinal Dividers Sunk Wilpon/Einhorn Deal

The news has been full of speculation on just why the Wilpon-Einhorn ownership deal fell apart.  Some sources report that Wilpon had been dealing behind Einhorn's back.  Other sources say Mets ownership was fed up with Einhorn's attempts to wrestle away majority control.  The Apple has spent the last 24 hours investigating the break-up and what we ended up finding out was shocking.  In the end, it was urinals that sunk the deal.

Connecticut Girl Becomes First Victim Of Mets New Policy Of Banning "Unlucky" Fans From Citi Field

The next time you head out to Citi Field you may want to call first and make sure you will be let in.  Starting today, the Mets have instituted a new policy of not allowing unlucky fans to enter Citi Field.  So what is an unlucky fan?  You all know who I'm talking about; the fan that goes to dozens of Mets games only to see them lose every single time.  If the Mets get their way, those people will no longer be allowed into the stadium.

Mets Step Up Field Level Security During Half-Price Ticket Promotion

"May I see your ticket stub? You have 15 seconds to comply"

It's no secret in NY that the Mets are having a hard time drawing fans to Citi Field this season.  Despite a scrappy team of young players, fans are staying away from the ballpark in Flushing.  In hopes of coaxing more people to the ballpark the team has been offering half-priced tickets for this week's games.  Unfortunately, this kind of promotion can also have a negative effect on your season ticket holder base.  However, the Mets say they were prepared for that this time.  This is where USH-209 comes in.

Mets VP Dave Howard Finally Addresses "The Whole Urinal Situation"

For all the debate about the dimensions of the Mets ballpark, there is another topic that has drawn heated criticism from visitors to the home of the Mets.  I'm speaking of course, about the lack of dividers in between the state of the art flushless urinals in the restrooms at Citi Field.  But now, after much silence from the Mets on the issue, one Mets executive is finally speaking out on the issue.

Mets Debut Tip Cups On Opening Day

You may notice something different this season when you take your seats at Citi Field.  Starting at yesterday's Mets home opener the team is placing tip jars at the end of each row.  But these tips are not for the vendors or ushers.  According to management, the tips collected will go directly to helping the team pay it's players.

13 Rejected Ideas For The Mets Amazin' Fan Perks Program

Earlier today, Dave Howard announced that the Mets will be going the extra mile to make season ticket holders feel appreciated.  In addition to ticket discounts, the Mets also announced the Amazin' Mets Perks program that gives season ticket holders the opportunity to enjoy special events, luxury suites and even once in a lifetime experiences like bringing your glove and watching batting practice on the field from the left center field warning track at Citi Field.  The list is so long it got us wondering if there was anything the Mets would not do.  As it turns out, we uncovered this list of rejected Amazin Mets Perks ideas.  Enjoy!

  13) Get walked by Oliver Perez

12) A signed piece of John Maine’s bone spur.

11) Dance Lessons from Jose Reyes plus your very own secret handshake

10) Private VIP line at Shake Shack

9) A golf outing with Johan Santana 

(Female Fans Only)

8) One (1) Complimentary knee surgery by Carlos Beltran’s personal doctor in Arizona 

(Team permission not required)

7) Autographed and Framed strands of Keith Hernandez’s mustache hair from Steiner Sports

6) Watch a game in a luxury suite while you are waited on by Luis Castillo

5) A rotunda named after you.

4) Watch a game from an obstructed view seat with Dave Howard while he defines the term obstructed to you.

3) Access to a special private condiments bar that hasn’t been sneezed on by half of the ballpark.

2) Private bathroom complete with urinal divider and flushing urinal.

1) A personalized text message from Frankie Rodriguez…and then 55 more personalized text messages from Frankie Rodriguez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Hope McDonalds Monopoly Promotion Will Boost Team Revenue

It's 7AM at the McDonalds on Roosevelt Ave. in Flushing.  People come and go, stopping in for coffee or a quick breakfast, but in the back four men are making a plan that will shape the future of the New York Mets.

Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, VP Dave Howard and acting GM John Ricco are feverishly pouring over data and numbers. But these are not batting averages or attendance figures, they are game pieces.  Desperate to increase revenue, the Mets have hatched a plan to win cash and prizes in the McDonalds Monopoly promotion going on.

When John Ricco is dispatched to go buy more hash browns, he granted me some insight into their ideas.  "Look it's been a tough year financially for the Wilpon family.", said Ricco.  "But they are devoted to leaving no stone unturned when it comes to finding ways to improve the ballclub."

According to Ricco, the Wilpons hope to win the million dollar grand prize but will take anything they can get.  Apparently, they intend to re-gift any small prizes to season ticket holder in hopes that they will renew their overpriced seats next season.

Rico returns to the table with several dozen hash browns and the men get back to peeling game pieces.  "I got Baltic Ave!", shouts Dave Howard.  "All I need is Mediterranean and that's 50 bucks!"

May God help us all.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Brass Hopes Unorthodox K-Rod Punishment Sends Message To The Team

On Wednesday, Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez was arrested on third degree assault charges after a family argument about the Senior Stroll turned violent.  Thursday, the Mets handed down their punishment, a two game suspension.  Some around the team felt that the suspension was too lenient and that because the incident took place in the stadium in front of player's family members, the Mets needed to send a stronger message.

To calm those voices, the Mets announced today that the suspension is just the beginning of K-Rod's punishment.  Mets president Dave Howard explains.  "You have to send a strong message to these guys that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.", says Howard.  "The suspension is a start but he owes this whole team an apology and we think this additional punishment is the best way."

The punishment Howard is describing involves K-Rod reporting to the clubhouse early today to write "I am sorry I beat up my father in law." one thousand times in both English and Spanish on the clubhouse chalkboard.  To protect their investment, the Mets closer will have to write lefty so as not to use his pitching hand.

While the punishment may seem a bit juvenile, some players can attest to the effectiveness of the method.  "I worked for me.", said Jeff Francoeur, who earlier this year had to write "I will not describe my hitting as a laser show'' one thousand times.  "I'll never do that again."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Announce Vuvuzela Night At Citi Field

Despite their recent banning of the World Cup from the clubhouse, the Mets are apparently not necessarily ready to write off the event as a whole.  Today on their website the Mets announced vuvuzela night for Friday, June 25th against the Twins.  The move reaffirms the Mets commitment to chase any trend no matter how ill-advised.

The vuvuzela is a cheap plastic horn that has been thrust into the spotlight because of it's use at the World Cup in South Africa.  The sound is similar to a kazoo and when you multiply it by 40,000 or so the resulting sound is akin to a huge swarm of insects surrounding the stadium.

While many fans complain the noise is unbearable, the Mets front office does not seem worried.  The team believes that the promotion will allow them to tap into the international soccer-loving market and boost slumping attendance figures.  Team VP Dave Howard explains, "Times are hard right now.  If giving out these 'valenzuelas' puts people in the seats, I'll deal with a little noise."

Vuvuzela night will be sponsored by Pepsi.  Vuvuzelas will be handed out to the first 25,000 fans entering Citi Field.  Tickets are available at mets.com or by calling 718-507-TIXX.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Cashing In On Windblown Debris

By now you probably have already heard Mets VP Dave Howard's comments on the benefits of wind blown debris.  But what you may not know is that Mr. Howard's comments are just the tip of the iceberg.  At a small press conference today, Howard announced that the Mets will be partnering with Majestic to create a line of merchandise made entirely out of trash collected from the Citi Field outfield.

"We have identified a unique marketing opportunity and we wanted to seize it while we had the chance.", said Howard.  "With the growing popularity of items like game used jerseys and game used dirt and equipment we saw a chance to combine both.  This is actual trash that has been on the field at Citi Field.  Some of it was even retrieved by the players themselves and now you can wear it!  Our fans are going to love it."

The shirts themselves will be a patchwork of various windblown debris and garbage which commonly includes hot dog wrappers, napkins, cardboard trays and Phillies caps.  After being collected the trash is washed and sent to a factory in China to be assembled into clothing.

The shirts, which will retail for $34.99 will be available at the Mets clubhouse shop at the Jackie Robinson Rotunda.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.