Mets Hope McDonalds Monopoly Promotion Will Boost Team Revenue

It's 7AM at the McDonalds on Roosevelt Ave. in Flushing.  People come and go, stopping in for coffee or a quick breakfast, but in the back four men are making a plan that will shape the future of the New York Mets.

Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, VP Dave Howard and acting GM John Ricco are feverishly pouring over data and numbers. But these are not batting averages or attendance figures, they are game pieces.  Desperate to increase revenue, the Mets have hatched a plan to win cash and prizes in the McDonalds Monopoly promotion going on.

When John Ricco is dispatched to go buy more hash browns, he granted me some insight into their ideas.  "Look it's been a tough year financially for the Wilpon family.", said Ricco.  "But they are devoted to leaving no stone unturned when it comes to finding ways to improve the ballclub."

According to Ricco, the Wilpons hope to win the million dollar grand prize but will take anything they can get.  Apparently, they intend to re-gift any small prizes to season ticket holder in hopes that they will renew their overpriced seats next season.

Rico returns to the table with several dozen hash browns and the men get back to peeling game pieces.  "I got Baltic Ave!", shouts Dave Howard.  "All I need is Mediterranean and that's 50 bucks!"

May God help us all.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Rico Vs. Ricco: Who Wins In A Battle Of Interim GM vs. Galactic Hero?

WARNING: Today's post is for geeks only so I won't hold it against you if you click away now.

Still here?

OK so let me make a confession. Starship Troopers is one my ultimate guilty pleasures. Yes, it's a glorified B-Movie. Yes, it has Neil Patrick Harris about 5 years before he was cool again. Yes, it "stars" Denise Richards but I don't care.

So the first time I heard that the Mets assistant GM was named John Ricco, the same name as the bug blasting hero of Starship Troopers, I couldn't hold back the nerd laugh. I figured this would pass but it hasn't. Every time I hear the guys name I crack up. Now he's in charge, well at least for a couple of weeks. So with the hopes of getting it all out of my system I give you Rico Vs. Ricco:



Lets meet the players.

JOHNNY RICO - Colonel in the Mobile Infantry
Played by - Actor Casper Van Dien
Fun Fact - Likes female pilots with huge lips


JOHN RICCO - Interim GM of the New York Mets
Played by - Himself and once by this guy.
Fun Fact - Name sometimes pronounced Rick-O depending on who you talk to.




Category 1: Resume
Rico: Once defeated an entire planet of man-eating bugs.
Ricco: Once announced a trade on SNY.

Winner: Col. John Rico -  Fictional or not, defeating an alien army is going to win every time.  The only exception would have been if Ricco had announced that the Mets had traded Oliver Perez.

Category 2: Rise To Power
Rico: Promoted after mercy-killing his commanding officer who was being eaten by a bug.
Ricco: Promoted after his boss was relieved of command by the team owner.

Winner: Col. John Rico - We all joke about shooting the boss.  This guy actually did it.  Though I'd like to think that if Omar Minaya was being consumed by a alien space bug he would have wanted John Ricco to put him out of his misery.

Category 3: Toughest Challenge

Rico: Stop an invasion of vicious gigantic insects from outer space.

Ricco: Decide what to do about guys like Jose Reyes and Hisanori Takahashi.

Winner: GM John Ricco - This is New York.  I don't know about you but I'd rather face an army of killer bugs than a room full of angry Mets fans.

Category 4: Special Ability

Rico: Irresistable to B-Movie Actresses.

Ricco: Invisible To NY Press.

Winner: GM John Ricco - I was shocked that his picture is even in the Mets media guide.  Don't believe me.  Do a Google image search for "John Ricco Mets".  The man is a ghost.  That's not easy in this town.

Category 5: Likely Future

Rico: A horrible violent bug-related death.

Ricco: A quiet return to anonymity.

Winner: GM John Ricco - I always go with option that doesn't include being torn in half by an arachnid.

Winner?

While GM John Ricco apparently wins 3-2, I like to imagine a world where we aren't forced to choose.  Why can't we simply combine the two into one ass-kicking, trade-making, contract signing killing machine.  I'd like to think he would look something like this:

Omar Minaya's Faceplate Falls Off During Press Conference

What little chance the Wilpon's had of retaining Omar Minaya as GM next season went up in smoke today when Minaya's faceplate fell off during a bronze level press conference, revealing the Mets General Manager's metal endoskeleton. 

The revelation confirmed what many in the media have been suspecting for some time now, that Omar Minaya is a cost-cutting robot created by the Wilpon's to ensure they remain in control of the team while offering the fans a scapegoat for the team's shortcomings.

But this wasn't always the case.  According to a source inside the Mets front office, the team made the switch shortly after the Oliver Perez contract was signed.  Concerned about the real Minaya's reckless spending, the Wilpon's bought out Minaya's contract on the condition that he return to the Dominican Republic and keep out of the public eye while the Minaya-bot took over his identity here. 

While there is officially no rule in the books regarding replacing your GM with a cyborg, it is generally frowned upon by Major League Baseball.  An official inside the offices of the MLB told us that the league was already watching the Mets closely because they believed the Mets had replaced manager Jerry Manuel with a bunting machine.  As it turned out, Jerry Manuel just really likes bunting.

Minaya -bot is expected to finish out the season as the team's GM.  While the Wilpon/Okon ownership group has made no official statement, it is generally believed that to avoid any further embarrassment the Mets will return to a human GM next season.  A team source however did tell us that the Mets have already begun construction on a John Ricco cyborg just in case.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.