Ted Berg Exposes The Truth Behind MLB's Most Recent Steroid Scandal

What's most fascinating about the Miami spreadsheet scandal is the extent to which Carlos Beltran will go to discredit fellow ballplayers.
— Ted Berg (@OGTedBerg) January 31, 2013

He may have been joking but after doing a little digging it turns out he was right...and here's the proof.

"There's Nothing Wrong With The SNY Scorebug" Says Scorebug Designer Carlos Beltran

"Just move on and enjoy the game Mets fans" - Carlos Beltran

Mark Wahlberg Says Mets Would Have Won 2006 NLCS If He Had Been There

"If I was in that dugout with my team, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood on that field and then me saying, ‘OK, I'm going to go hit a home run and we’re going to win this thing, don’t worry.'" - Mark Wahlberg

12 Days Of Metsmas: Selfish Santa

You're all getting coal this year.

Ryan Braun: Carlos Beltran Selfishly Made Me Take Steroids

National League MVP Ryan Braun has suddenly found himself on the hot seat after testing positive for PED's.  While many expected Braun to appeal the test, the Brewers star player is taking a surprisingly honest route and confessing to what we all knew to be true anyway: That Carlos Beltran forced him to do it.

Clubhouse Of Horror: The Ringless

Seven years after you sign the contract...your team dies!

The Apple Selfishly Says Goodbye To Carlos Beltran

Alderson Pulling Out All The Stops To Get A Possible Beltran Trade Right

With the Mets are out from under the odious K-Rod option (and by the way, can anyone tell me why 15 minutes after he's not a Met that $17.5 million poison pill goes away and turns into a mutual option with the friggin' Brewers?), GM Sandy Alderson has turned his attention to getting the most for his hot commodity, Carlos Beltran.

Beltran Spends Home Run Derby Selfishly Stealing Baseballs From Children

It was supposed to be a dream come true for a group of youngsters at the All-Star game in Arizona last night.  The chance to play the outfield at a major league ballpark and catch fly balls hit by your heroes.  But thanks to the game's most selfish player, the dream turned into a nightmare for many kids at last night's State Farm Home Run Derby.

Being Slightly Above .500 Is A Pretty Mediocre Achievement...But Add A Little Steve Winwood And Presto!

So the Mets are finally above the .500 mark.  We realize that this is fairly lame accomplishment so we recruited musician Steve Winwood to help us spruce up the highlights and make the Mets minor accomplishment seem like something more than it really is.  Enjoy!

Jason Bay Rips Carlos Beltran For Selfishly Stealing His Grand Slam Thunder

Jason Bay was riding high last night...for one inning.  Bay had just ended the Mets two year long grand slam-less streak and was the hero of the moment.  Then a selfish teammate stepped up and effortlessly belted another slam.  Bay's moment in the sun was over. The spotlight ripped away from him by the game's most selfish player, Carlos Beltran.

Blogger Outage Update: Notes From Last Night's Mets Win

Last night's Blogger outage kinda messed up my schedule so here's a recap of what was gonna be posted.  Carlos Beltran has a new commercial announcing himself as the face of the franchise.

New Baserunner Traffic Light Aids Mets In Win Over Astros

Plagued by a series of baserunning blunders and bad decisions during this recent homestand, the Mets decided to install a new traffic light system to help their baserunners. Last night, against the Astros, the system made it's successful debut.

You Know It's Gonna Be An Interesting Day When It Starts Off With This...

Non-Fiction Post Of The Week: Selfish Beltran Selfishly Helping Team

Randy are you seriously linking another Ted Berg article?  Are you on drugs?  Well guys, I am on a drug... and that drug is Ted Berg.  The guy just wins.  Today he wins by doing something too few members of the NY sports media ever do...using common sense.  For his rational take on the Mets new right fielder read Beltran selfishly punishing Digital Domain scoreboard

Beltran Denies That Move To Right Was Motivated By Selfish Desire To Be Closer To Fried Seafood

Carlos Beltran is being hailed by Mets fans a media this week as team player after he announced yesterday that he would change his position to accommodate his more mobile teammate Angel Pagan.  For Beltran, it marks the first time in a long time that Mets fans are viewing him as having a "team first" attitude.  Unfortunately, a new report by the website FanGraphs seems to suggest that the former center fielder may have had a more selfish reason to change positions.

Link: Ted Berg's Hilarious Review Of Tron: Legacy

Besides giving me an excuse to break out this graphic, Ted Berg also gives us a hilarious write up on Tron: Legacy and some interesting insight into seeing movies by yourself.  I almost spit my drink all over my computer when I read this line:

"The plot is that the Bad Guy has captured the Old Guy and now the Cool Guy has to recsue him, with or without help from the David Bowie Guy. Some of them aren’t actually people and most of them are Jeff Bridges."

 Read the rest over at TedQuarters.

Beltran / Mets Hope New Charity Will Repair Broken Relationship

Sandy Alderson and company have made no secrets about their desire to repair the fractured relationship between the Mets organization and their center fielder.  On Saturday, Alderson met with Carlos Beltran at his in Puerto Rico to discuss a multitude of issues.  On Monday, the Mets announced that they will be joining forces with Beltran here in NY to open a new academy as part of the Willets Point Redevelopment Project.

The Carlos Beltran Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, or the C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. for short, will be a full service academy focused on preparing aspiring students and ballplayers from all backgrounds for life in college and/or Major League Baseball.

When the students are not busy learning to "read good", there will be classes on a variety of topics such as learning to deal with the hyper-critical New York media, coping with booing, when to get a medical second opinion and what to do when a teammate is punching people in the family lounge.

Paul DePodesta, who joined Beltran at the announcement, feels that this is the first step in the right direction for both Beltran and the Mets.  "So much of what we have to do early on is avoiding the old mistakes and mending relationships.", said DePodesta. "This is a win-win for us.  Carlos gets to reconnect with New York and in the future, maybe we have a few less knuckleheads on the Mets."

The C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. is currently scheduled to open it's doors in 2013 but may open sooner if the city can convince Vina Auto Glass to move.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For info on the REAL Carlos Beltran Academy click here.

13 Rejected Ideas For The Mets Amazin' Fan Perks Program

Earlier today, Dave Howard announced that the Mets will be going the extra mile to make season ticket holders feel appreciated.  In addition to ticket discounts, the Mets also announced the Amazin' Mets Perks program that gives season ticket holders the opportunity to enjoy special events, luxury suites and even once in a lifetime experiences like bringing your glove and watching batting practice on the field from the left center field warning track at Citi Field.  The list is so long it got us wondering if there was anything the Mets would not do.  As it turns out, we uncovered this list of rejected Amazin Mets Perks ideas.  Enjoy!

  13) Get walked by Oliver Perez

12) A signed piece of John Maine’s bone spur.

11) Dance Lessons from Jose Reyes plus your very own secret handshake

10) Private VIP line at Shake Shack

9) A golf outing with Johan Santana 

(Female Fans Only)

8) One (1) Complimentary knee surgery by Carlos Beltran’s personal doctor in Arizona 

(Team permission not required)

7) Autographed and Framed strands of Keith Hernandez’s mustache hair from Steiner Sports

6) Watch a game in a luxury suite while you are waited on by Luis Castillo

5) A rotunda named after you.

4) Watch a game from an obstructed view seat with Dave Howard while he defines the term obstructed to you.

3) Access to a special private condiments bar that hasn’t been sneezed on by half of the ballpark.

2) Private bathroom complete with urinal divider and flushing urinal.

1) A personalized text message from Frankie Rodriguez…and then 55 more personalized text messages from Frankie Rodriguez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Sweeps Week: New Drama Will Explore Getting Old In The Big Leagues

Yesterday we told you about the Mets attempt to turn their GM search into a reality TV show, but this is not the only new show featuring Mets players.  Mets president Dave Howard announced today that the Mets have entered into an agreement with TNT to produce a new drama/documentary that will follow the lives of three Mets players throught the off-season and spring training.

The show, called Mets Of A Certain Age, will follow Carlos Beltran, Luis Castillo and R.A. Dickey as they prepare for 2011.  Howard insists this is not just a Hard Knocks rip-off.

"This is going to be more than just a typical sports series.", says Howard.  "There is going to be an emotional depth that has never been seen before in a sports program."

This description from TV Guide seems to confirm Howard's sentiments:

METS OF A CERTAIN AGE explores the unique bonds of male friendship among three men experiencing the changes and challenges of a baseball career. They have been teamates for only a short while but now they are navigating through the second act of their careers together. Carlos (Beltran) is the aging star who is eager to prove his skills are not as diminished as some would say.  Luis (Castillo) is a laid-back veteran who the game has long since passed him by. Lately, he's spending more time coming off the bench than starting. And R.A. (Dickey) is an aging knuckleballer who has found a renewed career and is desperate to hold on for as long as the ride will last.

These friends face very different challenges. Carlos tries desperately to reconnect with a fan base that would rather make a clean break. Luis scoffs at the idea that he is through and eagerly awaits the chance to vindicate himself.  R.A. is simply doing everything he can to keep his new found success going. Through it all, these men are there for each other when it counts.

Mets of a Certain Age will air on TNT this November.  Check your local listings for details.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.