Farewell Jason Bay

Oy Bay: Mets Ask Jason Bay Not To Play On Yom Kippur Despite Not Being Jewish

The New York Mets have granted Jason Bay's request to not play during Yom Kippur. There's only one problem; the beleaguered Mets outfielder never made the request. Bay, who isn't Jewish, insists that at no time did he ask for the holiday off and has declared himself eligible to play against the Pirates. The Mets however are sticking to their guns.

Mets Unveil 2 New Sandwiches At Citi Field: One Made Of Steak, The Other Made Out Of Jason Bay's Contract

The Bay-conator

Yesterday, Sandy Alderson stated that the Mets would not eat Jason Bay's contract. The Mets General Manager, however, did not say anything about the fans eating it. Tonight at Citi Field, the Mets will debut two new sandwiches. While one is a traditional steak sandwich, the second appears to be made entirely of Bay's bloated contract.

Las Vegas Sportsbook Takes Enormous Hit During Dickey 1-Hitter

Wednesday night saw baseball history made and almost made.  Matt Cain pitched a perfect game for his SF Giants while R.A. Dickey came really close to pitching a no-hitter (ho hum, another one) for the NY Mets.

But the sports book at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas saw little money change hands on those accomplishments.  Instead it was an exotic combo bet that nearly sank them.

Alien Creature Who's Been Impersonating Jason Bay For The Last 2 Years Captured

Police raided a hotel room in Port St. Lucie, Florida on Wednesday and made a shocking discovery.  Officers who thought they were responding to a simple noise complaint instead found Mets left fielder Jason Bay being held against his will...by Jason Bay.

12 Days Of Metsmas: Jason Bay in...The Santa No Trade Clause

No matter how much you wish he wouldn't, he just keeps coming down that chimney.

A Brief Look Inside The Mets "Dynamic Pricing" Model

The plan for the Mets in 2012 is to lower ticket prices.  But the team has stated that it reserves the right to raise prices again for certain high profile games.

The Mets have allowed The Apple to take a peek at some of the early plans for alterations in ticket prices. These are unofficial at the moment but if the club can find an accountant to track all the possibilities it is expected that they will go into effect:

Mets Kick Off 2011 Elimination Celebration

Light up your cigarette Barney.  Go ahead and toss that hat Stewie. The mathematically viable portion of the Mets 2011 season is now officially a memory and as usual the Mets are going out in style.  The team kicked off their annual Elimination Celebration '11 last night following their loss to the Washington Nationals.

Bay Tweaks Hamstring - Immediately Placed On 60-Day DL By Mets

You can't say the Mets aren't proactive these days.

On Wednesday night leftfielder Jason Bay reported to the training staff and manager Terry Collins that his hamstring muscle was bothering him just a bit.  In the player's estimate he thought he was dealing with a one or two day ding.

The team sprung into action saying in a note to the press:

Reyes Injury Shifts The Spotlight Onto The Mets First Openly Bay Player

While Jose Reyes latest trip to the DL comes as a disappointment to all, there is one Mets player who is enjoying an unintended benefit.  After being cast aside by fans for most of the year, Jason Bay has been thrust into the spotlight and so far he has responded with improved performance on the field.

Being Slightly Above .500 Is A Pretty Mediocre Achievement...But Add A Little Steve Winwood And Presto!

So the Mets are finally above the .500 mark.  We realize that this is fairly lame accomplishment so we recruited musician Steve Winwood to help us spruce up the highlights and make the Mets minor accomplishment seem like something more than it really is.  Enjoy!

Jason Bay Rips Carlos Beltran For Selfishly Stealing His Grand Slam Thunder

Jason Bay was riding high last night...for one inning.  Bay had just ended the Mets two year long grand slam-less streak and was the hero of the moment.  Then a selfish teammate stepped up and effortlessly belted another slam.  Bay's moment in the sun was over. The spotlight ripped away from him by the game's most selfish player, Carlos Beltran.

Terry Collins Says Bay Will Get Some Starts During The Next Home Stand... As A Vendor

Jason Bay, mired in what could be called a multi-year slump, thought the writing was on the wall when he was called into manager Terry Collins' office today.

He had already been dropped from the cleanup spot in the batting order to 6th.  Bay figured he was going to be dropped to 7th or 8th or possibly sent to the bench.  This, after all, is what happens to non-performers at the major league level.

Bark In The Park Redux

In honor of yesterday's Bark In The Park at Citi Field, the Apple would like to take a look back at last year's B.I.T.P. which featured a rain out made up on the Sony Playstation, an unfortunate Jason Bay injury and our favorite left handed pooper scooper.

Mets Send Jason Bay To Port St. Lucie For Rehab...By Bus

Jason Bay entered his meeting on Monday with great enthusiasm and expectations. He was hoping that he could convince Sandy Alderson and his braintrust that he was ready, willing, and able to take his rightful place in left field for the Mets (or was it his leftful place in right field? I forget).

They heard him out and decided that it would be prudent to have him face warm live pitching for the next couple of days. They told him he would have to go back to Florida and then on Thursday he could play with the big club.

What follows is an example of the depths of the team's financial crisis. They handed him a bus ticket out of Port Authority back to Florida.

Bay pleaded to go by plane but was denied. Then his agent called asking for the same thing but willing to compromise for an Amtrak ticket. The Mets brass played hardball (which is more than what we can say about the actual team).

By the time you read this Jason should be just south of Delaware.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight     

Link: Tyranny Of Tradition Updates Us On Jason Bay

Our friend Keith over at Tyranny Of Tradition has compiled some notes from the bizarre side of Major League Baseball including a hilarious injury update on our favorite inactive left fielder.  I didn't even know Jason Bay was suffering from Toxic Megacolon. Read the whole story here.

Mets Drop Both Ends Of Intrasquad Game Despite Successful Debut Of Jason Bay's Protective Suit

In what might be a harbinger of things to come both sides believe they lost yesterday's first intrasquad game of the year. Let's backtrack and cover the event.

After the team completed stretching and normal baseball drills manager Collins had the players practice some of their specialties. Ike Davis and the other firstbasemen practiced tumbling over the dugout railing attempting to snag foul balls. Meanwhile, Mookie Wilson introduced the outfielders to the outfield wall and suggested that slamming into it violently could lead to a four month headache.

Mets Game Cancelled After Bark In The Park Disaster - Bay Out For Season

Officially, the Mets game against the Brewers was called off last night due to inclement weather.  The move came as a bit of a surprise since the whole game was scheduled to be played on PlayStation anyway.  We figured there had to be another reason for the cancellation and after doing some digging, The Apple uncovered the real reason the game was called off.  

Apparently, Mets outfielder Jason Bay, who had been mulling over the idea of returning for the season's final series, was doing some jogging in the light rain prior to the game to see if any concussion symptoms would return.  Unfortunately, his jogging agitated a group of canines who had been let in early as part of the team's "Bark in the Park" promotion.   The dogs broke free from their owners and began chasing the Mets left fielder all over the field before finally catching him at second base and delivering a severe mauling.

Bay was rushed to New York Hospital for Special Surgery where he was treated for several bites and lacerations.  He is expected to make a full recovery but will miss the remainder of the season.  On the positive side, Bay says he experienced no concussion symptoms during the attack.

Immediately following the attack, the Mets closed the gates and called off the game out of fear for the safety of the fans and stadium staff.  The game has been rescheduled as part of a double-header on Wednesday while "Bark in the Park" has been canceled outright. 

If you were holding a ticket to the game you may exchange it for a future game.  If you are holding a $10 dog ticket, the Mets are offering a choice of a full refund or a gift certificate for the dog walking services of Oliver Perez. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

The Apple's Predictions For The Second Half Of The 2010 Mets Season

To celebrate the return of Mets baseball, we at the Apple have decided to take a look into our crystal ball and see if we can get a glimpse of what the future holds for our beloved Mets.   So without further ado, we present:



10 PREDICTIONS FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE 2010 METS SEASON

10) The Mets Will Trade For Roy Oswalt.  Upon arrival, he will be demoted to the bullpen to free up a spot in the rotation for John Maine.

9) Oliver Perez will make his triumphant return to Citi Field…as a wiffle ball pitcher in Kiddie Field. He will be released in September after numerous complaints from the children about his wildness.

8) Nelson Figueroa will release a tell all book about the Mets. And just like everything else Figgy does, no will care.

7) While on the road, Fernando Nieve will take a late night cab ride to get Latin food.  Unfortunately, he will return unharmed.

6) The Mets will wear black armbands in September after Jerry Manuel finally kills one of his relievers by working them to death.

5) The flag waving attendants in the Citi Field parking lot will finally admit that they are useless.

4) Due to budget cuts by the MTA, the 7 Train will no longer stop at Willets Point.  The train will now only slow down enough to give Mets fans the opportunity to “jump for it”.

3) McFaddens Citi Field will introduce a new drink named after Mets outfielder Jason Bay.  The drink will not actually get you drunk but it will cost a fortune.

2) Just to piss off the Yankees, the Mets will announce they intend to “win it all” to honor George Steinbrenner. 

1) In order to afford to bring on extra salary.  Fred Wilpon will take on a second job...as a peanut vendor.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Bonus Post: You Can't Catch Me "Bay" Thoughts

We decided to use our special photoshop filter which allows you to see what the subject of the photo was thinking about at that moment.  Now we understand why Bay missed the ball.  Two Words: Alternate Uniforms.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.