Mets Brain-trust Holds Meeting About Ike, Also Enjoys The Free WiFi At Panera

On Thursday morning Mets GM Sandy Alderson called a meeting of his braintrust.  Attending were Jeff Wilpon, J.P. Ricciardi, Paul DePodesta, manager Terry Collins, and, of course, team mascot Mr. Met.  The meeting was held at a local Panera Bread because of the free WiFi and also J.P. really likes the mac and cheese there.

The Apple was allowed to sit in so here is a transcript of the meeting:

Mets Eye Shorter Basepaths and Collision-Proof Fielding Zones In Next Round Of Citi Field Changes

On Monday October 31st the Mets made official their planned changes to the configuration of CitiField's outfield walls.  They will be coming in, they will be getting lower, and they will become blue.

While this has caused some of the more mediocre pitchers on the staff to start looking for alternative careers it has put a toothy grin on the face of David Wright and Jason Bay, among others.

In general the reception this announcement has received has been so positive among depressed fans of the team that they have decided to take the next step in reconfiguring a ballpark that seems to be stacked against the home club.

We spoke to a high ranking club official who prefers to remain nameless but we'll call him Paul DePodesta.

Who's On Second? Larry Smith Spies On Mets Front Office Meeting

Spring training games have gone on for two weeks now and the Mets still haven't officially named their starting secondbaseman. There has been so much speculation about this that Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, J.P. Ricciardi, and Paul Depodesta hopped on a plane the other day and flew down to Florida for a big confab with GM Sandy Alderson and Manager Terry Collins.

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The 2011 Mets: The Offseason About Nothing

To be completely fair, when Sandy Alderson took the Mets GM job he basically told fans not to expect much in the off-season.  Still that didn't stop Larry Smith from comparing the average morning meeting at Citi Field to a scene from everyone's favorite show about nothing.  And while I think Larry is being a little harsh, I'm never going to turn down an excuse to photoshop the heads of the Mets front office onto the cast of Seinfeld.

THE OFFSEASON ABOUT NOTHING by Larry Smith

SANDY ALDERSON (SA): Ah, good. You've arrived. Have some coffee and let's plan our day. There's lots to do.

JP RICCIARDI (JR): Great boss. We've been waiting a while to start rolling. Anxious to hear the plan.

PAUL DEPODESTA (PD): Absolutely. Oooh, donuts.

SA: I got a call last night from the Cubs. They wanted to know if we'd be interested in Gorzellany.

PD: Decent lefty. Reasonable stuff. What'd you say, boss?

SA: I said sure but then they told me that they wanted players for him and that's when they lost us.

JR: But who are they asking for?

SA: It doesn't matter. The only guys we can spare are Ollie and Luis and you know nobody will take them off our hands.

JR: Then what are we going to do today?

SA: Nothing. We'll just continue to monitor the market.

PD: What exactly does that mean? Like are we still talking to Chris Young?

SA: Oh sure. I talk to his agent every couple of days and continue to tell him that we're interested.

JR: What're they asking for?

SA: I forget. But whatever it is, it's too much. We have to let the market come to us.

PD: I know this is a whacky question, but aren't we in NY. How come we don't have any money to spend? Sometimes I think we had more wiggle room out in San Diego.

SA: Don't worry Paul. I have a plan. It'll all work out.

JR and PD (together): But what do we do today???

SA: Just do nothing!

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Mets Winter Meetings: Day 4 Recap

The Rule 5 Draft put serious time constraints on the Mets contingent on Thursday.  After selecting Brad Emaus and Pedro Beato and losing Elvin Ramirez, the Mets were left with only half a day to take in all of the sites Orlando had to offer.  With the clock ticking the group decided to split up and visit the place they most wanted to see.

For Sandy Alderson, it was Sea World.  The Mets new GM took in all the sites and sounds of the world's premier marine adventure park.  He was even able to get up close and personal with Seamore, one of the park's Sea Lions.

Paul DePodesta, on the other hand, had simpler tastes.  For DePodesta, no trip to Orlando would be complete without a visit to the world's largest Entertainment McDonalds & Playplace.  The Mets assistant was able to try his hand at the over 100 state-of-the-art card swipe arcade games and satisfy his craving for a Big Mac all at the same time.  "I want to have my birthday here.", DePodesta was heard telling a staff member. 

While DePodesta was busy racking up points in the arcade, another Mets assistant had a more dangerous game on his mind.  J.P. Ricciardi, the thrillseeker of the group, used his time to visit Gatorland where he was able to wrestle a live alligator.  Many of the park's employees were skeptical of Ricciardi's claims that he had developed an advanced mathematical formula that would allow him to defeat the gator, but they could not argue with the results as he was able to subdue the beast in record time.

The Mets representatives return home today, confident that, while they didn't make any big splashes at the Winter Meetings, they thoroughly justified the expense of sending them down there.  "At the very least we've bonded as a group.", said Alderson.

Apparently the Mets GM wants some of his players to experience the city as well.  "What I want to do is get some of the veteran leaders on the ballclub to join us down here when we come back next week for Paul's birthday at McDonalds."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Winter Meetings: Day 2 Recap

The second day of the winter meetings was quite eventful for the Mets representation.  The crew of Sandy Alderson, Paul DePodesta, J.P. Ricciardi and for some reason Jay Horowitz was up early and working the continental breakfast looking for possible trade partners.

By 7:30 AM it was obvious that there was no interest in what the Mets were selling so the group set out to salvage the day with a trip to Disney World.  But rest assured this group doesn't do anything without a plan.

"We were up all night running the numbers and we came up with a cohiesive strategy.", said Paul DePodesta. "By taking an advanced sabermetric approach to our visit we were able to hit every ride at least twice.  We could have done even better if Jay (Horowitz) had agreed to sit in a wheelchair."

Regardless, park employees are calling it "the most efficient use of time in the history of the park". The group rode space mountain 32 times, shattering the previous record for a group of baseball executives: 1.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

What's The Point? - Alderson Opts Out Of Winter Meetings

As Major League Baseball readies itself for the jewel of the Hot Stove League, the December winter meetings it was learned than Sandy Alderson has cancelled all plans for the Mets to be represented there. The team has cancelled all its flight reservations and hotel room accomodations.

In a hastily called bronze level press conference at Citi Field Alderson had this to say:

"In looking at our budget and considering what we might accomplish at the meetings J.P., Paul, and I decided that it would just be a waste of time and money to go all the way down to Orlando. Sure, we would enjoy the weather and the chance to rub elbows with the other front offices but in what we save on travel, hotel accommodations and scotch we could probably buy us a veteran backup catcher to platoon with Josh Thole."

Alderson continued...

"And really, our presence down there only gets up the hopes of our loyal fanbase. While other teams are inking free agents and making trades to fill holes we'd be mostly sneaking off to Disneyworld with our kids - or in my case, the grandkids - and perhaps getting in some golf. We choose to not spend the Wilpons' money on this. So we're taking a stand and just not going."

Although Alderson was not planning to take questions Kevin Burkhardt blurted one out anyway. The question was "what if someone wants to talk to you about one of your players?"

The G.M. replied, "Well, Kev. I'm not disconnecting my cell phone service, If they need to talk to us we'll be right here at our desks here in Flushing. And Kevin, I know you plan to go down to cover the meetings. If you hear of any teams looking for a gimpy slap-hitting veteran secondbaseman let them know we have one for them. Cheap."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

The 12 Days Of Metsmas: A Mets Christmas Carol

On the 1st day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
a GM named Sandy.

On the 2nd day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 3rd day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 4th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 5th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 6th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 7th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 8th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Chris Young who's rumored, One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 9th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Quiet winter meetings, Chris Young who's rumored, One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 10th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
Jeff Francis - maybe, Quiet winter meetings, Chris Young who's rumored, One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 11th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
No new dimensions, Jeff Francis - maybe, Quiet winter meetings, Chris Young who's rumored, One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

On the 12th day of Christmas the Wilpons gave to me
No hope for this year, No new dimensions, Jeff Francis - maybe, Quiet winter meetings, Chris Young who's rumored, One limited payroll, Lower ticket prices, Old Terry C., Paul Depodesta, 3 Guys Non-Tendered, J.P. Ricciardi, & a GM named Sandy.

12 Days Of Metsmas Lyrics By Randy Smith, Larry Smith & Randy Medina.  All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Despite Lack Of A Manager, Mets Have Found Their Pitching Coach

Despite not having a manger in place, the Mets front office seems to be ready to make an important coaching decision.  Today the Mets announced that they have found their pitching coaches.  That’s right, coaches with an "s".

Sandy Alderson and Co. have decided that given their fondness for statistical analysis, the Mets are going to be the first team in Major League history to have all their pitching decisions made by a computer.  The computer, named Pitching Algorithm 9000 or  PAL 9000 for short, will be programed by Eric Simon from Amazin' Avenue.  Using an advanced win-probability algorithm, PAL 9000 will be mounted in the Mets dugout and will tell the Mets when to change pitchers. It will also analyze performance and provide pitchers with a detailed printout of necessary mechanical adjustments.

Of course sometimes a human touch is necessary and that is why the Mets plan to bring in ESPN NFL reporter and Mets fan Bonnie Bernstein.  Serving as the human side of the coaching team, Bernstein will make the actual trips out to the mound to deliver PAL-9000’s suggestions.  Additionally, she will conduct a short interview with the pitcher which will be aired on SNY. 

“We had a situation where people were tuning out during pitching changes.”, says Paul DePodesta.  “With Bonnie, we have not only a pretty face, but a knowledgeable reporter who is not afraid to ask the tough questions.  In short, we’re giving the fans a reason to stay tuned.”

While Bernstein has not confirmed that she will indeed accept the position, PAL-9000 is already being tested at Digital Domain Park in Port St. Lucie.  Reports that, during early testing, PAL may have malfunctioned and killed a group of minor league instructors have not been confirmed. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Beltran / Mets Hope New Charity Will Repair Broken Relationship

Sandy Alderson and company have made no secrets about their desire to repair the fractured relationship between the Mets organization and their center fielder.  On Saturday, Alderson met with Carlos Beltran at his in Puerto Rico to discuss a multitude of issues.  On Monday, the Mets announced that they will be joining forces with Beltran here in NY to open a new academy as part of the Willets Point Redevelopment Project.

The Carlos Beltran Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, or the C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. for short, will be a full service academy focused on preparing aspiring students and ballplayers from all backgrounds for life in college and/or Major League Baseball.

When the students are not busy learning to "read good", there will be classes on a variety of topics such as learning to deal with the hyper-critical New York media, coping with booing, when to get a medical second opinion and what to do when a teammate is punching people in the family lounge.

Paul DePodesta, who joined Beltran at the announcement, feels that this is the first step in the right direction for both Beltran and the Mets.  "So much of what we have to do early on is avoiding the old mistakes and mending relationships.", said DePodesta. "This is a win-win for us.  Carlos gets to reconnect with New York and in the future, maybe we have a few less knuckleheads on the Mets."

The C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. is currently scheduled to open it's doors in 2013 but may open sooner if the city can convince Vina Auto Glass to move.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For info on the REAL Carlos Beltran Academy click here.

Alderson & Company Plan To Attack The Mets Problems By The Numbers

With the addition of Paul DePodesta to the Mets’ front office the numerical triangle has been closed.  GM Alderson and his top lieutenants Ricciardi and DePodesta come straight from the Moneyball tree and all have a deep and abiding respect for mathematical analysis.

They have already hatched a plan to show all of baseball how different the Mets will be now that they are led by mathematical gurus.

First, the outfield fence signs will be replaced by their equivalent number in the metric system.  While David Wright might be intimidated by the fact that the fence in right center field is 415 feet away he’ll certainly be more encouraged when he sees the 126.5 sign since that’s the distance in meters.  And to poke one down the line instead of seeing a depressing 335 feet sign  it’ll read 102 (that’s it in meters).  Sounds a lot easier, right?

And there’s the speed gun.  R.A. Dickey has a reasonably fast knuckleball that gets to the plate at 83 miles per hour.  That’s not too intimidating.  But wait til the scoreboard shows the reading in kilometers/hour.  That 83 is now 133.6!  Take that opposing batters.

But the most noticeable change will be that many of the Mets players will be wearing more sophisticated and telling uniform numbers. 

Take Jose Reyes, the Mets’ own Mr. Energy, he’ll be wearing "mc^2"

Angel Pagan was the prankster on the team who would often smash a pie into a teammates’ face while the star of the game was being interviewed by Kevin Burkhardt.  So naturally Pagan’s new number will be the symbol for pi.  There was some consideration to giving out the number 3.14159 which is pi carried out a few places.  But to do that the team would have to trade for a wide back player like Prince Fielder or Pablo Sandoval.

Ollie Perez, should he come north with the big club, will be wearing "-$∞"  which can easily be read as “minus infinite dollars”.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight