Desperate Mets Turn To Broadcasters / Bloggers For Relief...Literally

With their season spiraling out of control, the Mets are looking for help anywhere they can get it.  Even if that means they have to look in some strange places.  With their closer gone and their minor league call-ups offering little help, the Mets today announced that they have purchased the contracts of Kevin Burkhardt and Matt Cerrone.  If you've never heard of these players you would be right.  This is because they are not players at all.  Burkhardt is SNY's roving reporter during Mets broadcasts while Cerrone hosts the Verizon Fan Poll segments and runs the popular website Metsblog.com.

"We got a point where we just feel we've exhausted all traditional options.", said Mets GM Omar Minaya.  "I've seen Kevin on TV and he is very versatile.  He can beat you in so many ways.  Whether it's doing a serious interview or eating a shackburger for Keith Hernandez's amusement.  I don't think he'll have a hard time making the adjustment.  We expect him to be closing games for us when the team returns on Tuesday."

Matt Cerrone will serve a different purpose.  According to Minaya, Cerrone was added to serve as Burkhardt's personal catcher and help ease his transition.  The move also gives the Mets a third catcher which will give Jerry Manuel even more opportunities to misuse his bench, a fan favorite.  Minaya sites one other reason, "The guy kind of looks like Paul LoDuca so that's a good thing."

Burkhardt and Cerrone are scheduled to be activated Tuesday.  Despite having no baseball experience, the duo does not seem worried.  "I doubt we'll see much action.", says Burkhardt.  "You figure there will be about 35 games left at that point.  How many leads will this team even have to close.  I expect I will only pitch twice if at all." 

"I think our role will really just be to warm up in the pen", adds Cerrone.  "It's really important to Jerry to have his "closer" up five or six times in a game.  It calms him."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

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