Ben Affleck Returns In Gigli 2: Gee-Lee

I don't like it any more than you, but it had to be done.

The Apple Goes One On One With Brian Cashman

Since we are a fledgling news organization, the Apple doesn't get permission for many interviews.  So when the GM of the New York Yankees told us we could have a sit down at his office we jumped at the chance, even if it did mean sitting across the table from our bitter rival.   Just be warned, Cashman only agreed to the interview on the condition that we call him The Cash Man.  To be fair, he originally wanted to be called El Casho Grande but we were able to convince him how wrong that would be on so many levels.

The Apple: Mr. Cashman...err...I mean The Cash Man, tell our audience a little bit about what it is like to be the GM of the Yankees.

The Cash Man: It's just about the greatest job in the world.  Everyone should do it.  I sit here and spend other peoples money all day and make a huge salary doing it.  The perks are phenomenal too.  Healthcare, dental, 401K and twice a week Mike Francesa comes by and gives us all foot rubs.

TA: It looks like you are going to get Cliff Lee.  Congrats.  Are you worried that he may just be a rental player?

TCM:  Are you serious?  A rental?  We're the New York Yankees young man.  The way we see it, the other 29 teams are merely renting players from us.  We essentially have just decided to recall our rental agreement for Lee with the Mariners.

TA:  While a lot of Mets fans despise you, there are others that feel the Mets should try harder to emulate what you do.  How do you feel about this?

TCM: I say good luck.  While we share a common city, what I think a lot of Mets fans forget is just how many different sources of income we have.  People say oh they have a new stadium and a cable network so they should spend the same.  That's a good way to go broke if you ask me.  They don't realize the Yankees organization has tentacles branching out into everything from frozen deserts all the way down to deep space exploration.  Why just yesterday we found One-Eyed Willie's gold.  I pity any organization that tries to keep up with that.

TA: What do you think of the Lebron situation?

TCM: It was unfortunate.  We really thought we had a chance to sign him.

TA: What would you even do with him?  

TCM:  Who cares?  That's the manager's problem.  When you have our money we can sign anybody we want.  We could make him a peanut vendor for all I care.  It's really just about status.  You know like Jay Leno and his 500 cars.  He doesn't drive them all, he just wants you to know he can afford them.

TA: In that case, is there anyone else you have your eyes on?

TCM:  Here's where I'm going to throw your stupid little website a bone.  I'm happy to announce we've agreed in principle to a 6 year 70 million dollar contract with Russian hockey star Ilya Kovalchuk.  We're gonna make him a bullpen catcher or something.  Stick around, we're gonna do the whole press conference thing.

TA: Can anything stop you?


TCM: Nothing.  You just have to accept that we're better than you.  It doesn't even matter who "you" is because we are better than everyone.  Now unless you are interested in buying some seats "between the bases" please get out of my office.  Francesa is scheduled to be here in 5 minutes for my foot rub.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Bloomberg Convinced He Can Bring Lee To The Mets

Thanks to a certain guy from Akron, celebrities have been making their way into sports news even more than usual these days.  Most recently, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg has assembled an all-star team of clowns to make a run at luring big free agents to the Knicks.

When the mayor found out that the Mets were interested in aqcuiring Mariners ace Cliff Lee, he thought that he could help.  So on Wednesday, with the Mets away in Puerto Rico, Bloomberg gathered his troops.  The team, which consists of Spike Lee, Whoopi Goldberg, Tracy Morgan, Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin, Mark Messier, Chris Rock and the team's newest member Flo the Progressive Insurance lady, met at Citi to record a video urging Lee to come to the Mets.

The only problem?  Lee is not a free agent.  Whether Lee comes here or not will ultimately be decided through negotiation between the Mets and Mariners GM's.  That piece of info however didn't seem to bother the group.  Bloomberg explained, "If we're not out doing this nonsense then we would have to go back to real jobs.", exclaimed Bloomberg.  "Have you looked at the city lately?  The budget is a disaster, The MTA is literally a train wreck.  I'd rather be out doing this foolishness than deal with that."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mejia Has Sneaking Suspicion That He Will Not Be Back

Jenrry Mejia reported to Binghamton today.  He doesn't expect to return.   It is being widely speculated that any deal the Mets make for a pitcher will include Mejia.  The top prize being the Mariners Cliff Lee.

Waiting for Mejia in his new locker: a brand new Seattle Mariners jersey and cap.  Binghamton manager Tim Teufel insisted that the team was having a little fun with him and that he has no knowledge of any impending deal involving Mejia. The young righty doesn't share that feeling. 

"When I was leaving NY they were giving all my jerseys to Steiner Sports.", Mejia told the Apple.  "They said something about a clearance sale.  Also some guy from Nintendo called me last night but I cannot speak Japanese."   

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.