The Obligatory Overly Melodramatic Goodbye Jose Reyes Video

The Apple Says Goodbye To That Stadium The Marlins Play In. What's It Called Again?

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

My Favorite Moment From The Mets Opening Day Loss

Not surprisingly it happened before the game even started when this exchange took place.

Howie Rose: Performing the national anthem will be Clarence Clemons from the E-Street Band.

Loud Marlins Fan Too Close To Open Mic: METS SUCK!

Howie Rose: That was not Clarence Clemons.


Please tell me someone else heard this.

MLB Pulls Controversial Advertisement For Tonight's Mets Game

This morning Major League Baseball has decided to pull an advertisement for tonight's Mets/Marlins game at Citi Field.  The advertisement, which highlights tonight's pitching match-up of Dickey vs. Johnson was deemed too suggestive and prompted several groups to call the MLB to complain.

The source of the controversy seems to be a baseball bat and balls that some NYC residents believe is meant to symbolize a penis.  "My kids walk by that thing every morning and ask me 'Daddy why does that bat have testicles?'", says one resident of Douglaston.  "What am I supposed to say to them?"

The advertising agency responsible for the ad had this to say in a statement on their website:

We regret any discomfort that the ad may have caused.  Please note that any resemblances are purely coincidental.  We worked long and hard on this project.  Our design staff really bent over backwards and we rode them hard to get this thing done by deadline.  We thought we had pulled it out in the end but we see now that we may need to do a little more Q.A. on these things going forward.  It was never our intention to be in your face with our work and shove this thing down the throats of NYC residents.  We are deeply sorry.

Starting this morning workers will begin removing the posters from subway stations and bus stop shelters all over New York City with the exception of the West Village where the ad has been a huge hit. 

For the Mets, this is the second time their knuckleballer has caused some controversy.  Earlier this season the Mets were forced to cancel a Dickey promotional night due to a factory error.  Despite the controversy, the Mets remain optimistic that tonight's game will draw a large crowd and they urge fans to come on out to Citi and have a ball...or two.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Visit Causing Strange Behavior In Puerto Rican Wildlife, Scientists Baffled

The scientific community is buzzing in Puerto Rico today as residents from all over the island are calling in reports of a strange new species of tree frog.  For those familiar with the island, the Coqui is a small tree frog native to the island that got their name from their signature two part chirp that sounds like "coqui" (pronounced coh-key). 

The frogs are extremely common and most residents barely notice them but when blue and orange coquis began showing up it caused the scientific community to take notice.  Felix Alomar, a researcher who studies the frogs, explains, "It would appear that we are seeing a mutation that has manifested in the last two days.  Physically these frogs are the same as the others but their brown color has been replaced with a blue and in some cases orange tint.  Even more more puzzling is the markings that have appeared on the backs of the animal.  It appears to be an interlocking N.Y."

This new species of Coqui, scientifically named EleutheroMookieus has a different diet than the traditional tree frog.  Rather than a diet of small insects, this frog apparently prefers peanuts and cracker jack.  The most bizarre aspect of this curious amphibian however is his song.  Instead of the traditional two part chirp, this creature prefers to sing in a three part Co-Co-Qui rhythm that appears to be it's attempt at a Let's Go Mets chant.

Scientists will continue to study the frogs and our curious to see if the behavior will continue after the Mets leave on Wednesday.

In an unrelated note, the mythical blood-sucking Chupacabra was also spotted this week but it was later confirmed that it was merely Gary Matthews Jr. on vacation.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Game Postponed Due To Stadium Renaming

Mets fans will have to wait an extra day for a chance to get the taste of last night's loss out of their collective mouths.  Major League Baseball has announced that the Friday May 14th game has been postponed to accommodate stadium changes necessitated by yet another re-naming of the Marlins home ballpark.

Name changes are nothing new to the ballpark.  Past names include Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphin Stadium, LandShark Stadium, Pollo Tropical Field, Precious Based On The Novel Push by Sapphire Stadium, Chico's Bail Bonds Field & FreeCreditReport.com Field.

The stadium will make it's debut on Saturday as Tampax Pearl Stadium.  Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria sees the move as a positive.  "While we hate to have to reschedule a game, we feel this change allows us to connect with our female fans in a whole new way.", Loria told The Apple this morning. "In the end, we feel this will lead to a much more intimate experience for the fans."

The game will be made up tomorrow as part of the Marlins newest promotion: "Double Absorbent Double-Headers"

So why did they need to cancel a game just to change some signs?  Stadium construction worker Luis Cabrerra explains, "We could have done the signs in a day but the want us to change the foul poles to look like one of those lady things. Do I have to say what it's called?"

No Luis, you don't.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.