Former Mets GM Omar Minaya Releases Christmas Album

Omar Minaya is not letting losing his job get him down.  Today at a Manhattan Best Buy, the former Mets GM attended an event to celebrate the release of his first music CD.  The album, entitled Christmas with Minaya and Friends, is a compilation of holiday classics as sung by Omar Minaya.  Joining him on the CD are such former Mets employees as Tony Bernazard, Willie Randolph, Jerry Manuel & others.

The track list contains many modern takes on classic songs such as:

“Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (And He Can Beat You In So Many Ways)”

“It Came Upon A Midnight Clear…and Fired Me”

Featuring Willie Randolph

“Mediocre King Wenceslas”

“Take My Shirt Off & Threaten To Deck The Halls”

Featuring Tony Bernazard

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Adam Rubin”

“What Child Is This…and Why Isn’t He Bunting?”

Featuring Jerry Manuel

“John Maine Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

“The Four Years Of Castillo”

Sung to the tune of The 12 Days Of Christmas

“Last Christmas (I Gave You 36 Million Dollars)”

Duet with Oliver Perez

Christmas with Minaya & Friends hits Best Buy store shelves today.  Next week look for it in your local .99 cent store.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Mourning The Loss Of A Fake Baseball Legend: The Apple Says Goodbye To Enrico Palazzo

On Sunday, November 28, 2010 the world lost one of the great comedic talents of the 20th century.  Leslie Nielsen passed away at the age of 84 and took a part of my youth with him.

While personally, it doesn't get any better than his performance as the clueless Dr. Rumak in the 1980 film Airplane!, many baseball fans will no doubt remember Leslie for his portrayal of Enrico Palazzo in the Naked Gun.

For the three of you out there who have never seen it, Leslie Nielsen's character Lt. Frank Drebin, acting on a tip that a ballplayer is going to assassinate the Queen of England, sneaks onto the field during an Angels/Mariners game impersonating an opera singer and later the home plate ump.  It was one of the funniest skewerings of our national pastime ever and made the phrase "It's Enrico Palazzo" the baseball equivalent of shouting "Freebird" at a concert.

Below is a small clip from The Naked Gun but I urge you to go out today and pick up a Leslie Neilsen movie.  Surely you won't regret it.



Rest In Peace Leslie Nielsen.  I like to think that right now you are at the controls flying the plane...free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

6 Injured In Black Friday Trampling At Mets Team Store

The Thanksgiving holiday ended with at trip to the hospital for six unfortunate shoppers attending the Mets Black Friday Doorbuster Sale at Citi Field early Friday morning.  

The Mets offered deals such as 40% off for season ticket holders who showed their ID card and 35% off regularly priced merchandise for everyone else.

Fans began lining up as early as Wednesday morning for sales on various Mets merchandise.  Things were going smoothly until they saw the Mets “suggested retail prices”.

The Apple’s own Larry Smith was there to purchase a 2011 premiere on-field jacket and described the scene for us.  “Things were pretty calm at first.  Everyone was in a good mood going in.”, says Smith.  “Then they saw those prices.  The jackets were marked up to $999.  Even with the discount you were still paying like six hundred bucks for a jacket.  Once people saw that, what happened next was inevitable.”

What happened next was fans began to realize that they were missing better sales by wasting their time at Citi Field and headed for the doors in droves.  To counteract this the Mets brought out Oliver Perez, who had flown up from Mexico to greet fans and sign autographs.  Now the fans really wanted out. 

Amidst all the pushing and shoving several patrons were overcome by the mass exodus and trampled.  NYPD officers had to be called in to get the scene under control.  When it was all said and done, six shoppers were taken to the hospital with minor injuries.  A dozen more were treated on the scene.

A representative from the Mets refused to comment on the trampling, saying only that the event was “the most successful Mets promotion of 2010”.       

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Terry The Turkey Wishes Mets Fans A Happy Thanksgiving!

Collins Clears The Air Immediately, Confirms That He Is Not A Witch

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Video: Mets Fans Reaction To Terry Collins Being Named Mets Manager

Terry Collins passed the interview process and won the steel cage deathmatch to earn the title of Mets manager.  That doesn't mean the fans have to like it as evidenced by this video.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Terry Collins Wins Cage Match, Will Manage Mets In 2011

Thousands of fans in attendance at the Citi Field parking lot witnessed the dawn of a new era on Sunday afternoon when Terry Collins won the Managerial Deathmatch and emerged from the Thunderdome the next manager of the New York Mets.

According to witnesses the fight turned when someone dropped a chainsaw in the cage.  Collins, being the first to reach it, was able to defeat Hale and Melvin with it.  Backman got a hold of the chainsaw momentarily but was stunned when Collins used some kind of dog whistle thing on him. Collins then got a hold of a big mallet and bashed Backman's head in.

Can this outlander put this Mets team in his magical flying machine and lead them to the promised land?  Only time will tell. 

One thing is certain though.  Tonight, Terry Collins Rules Bartertown!

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. The Apple does not endorse deathmatches of any kind.

Four Men Enter, One Man Manages: Alderson Says Mets Manager Will Be Decided In The Thunderdome

The Mets have a Gold Level Press Conference scheduled for Tuesday to announce their next manager but the decision has not been finalized.  Yesterday, Alderson announced he planned to hire all four as some kind of super-manager but Mets ownership shot him down saying that they would not pay for three extra managers.

Facing a four way tie for the job and unable to make a decision, the Mets new GM has decided to take the decision out of his hands and put it squarely in the hands of the men vying for the job.  His idea: a four way death-match at Citi Field on Sunday.

“These men have been fighting for this job since day one.”, said Alderson. “In the end, who am I to not give them the chance to literally fight for it.”

On Sunday afternoon, a steel dome or “thunderdome” will be set up in the parking lot of Citi Field.  Various weapons will be placed in the cage.  The four managerial candidates will enter and the last one standing will be given the job.

While Vegas has Backman as the odds-on favorite, fans should be careful not to count out Chip Hale.  Earlier this year, Hale was in a convenience store when an armed robber attempted to hold up the store.  The robber never walked again.

Tickets to the deathmatch will be sold on Mets.com and at 718-507-TIXX. The Mets however were pleased to announce that fans who renew their season or plan tickets by close of business on Saturday, will receive a complimentary pair of VIP tickets to the bloodbath as part the Amazin’ Mets Perks program. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

It's A Tie: Alderson Leaning Towards Hiring All Four Candidates As Next Mets Manager

The interview process has been an arduous one. After paring the list down to four candidates it seemed assured that within days the Mets family would finally know who their leader would be in the dugout.

But when push came to shove all four principles voted a different way. Paul DePodesta insisted that Terry Collins was still his man. He wanted to hire him once and still thinks he's the best man for the job. Jeff Wilpon harkens back to a better Mets era and wants to bring in the fans' favorite, Wally Backman. Alderson himself likes the calming influence of "Vanilla" Bob Melvin (and while Joel Sherman of the NY Post hung that moniker on Melvin, the GM looks at him as more like Mint Chocolate Chip). And finally, mostly because no one else has taken him, J.P. Ricciardi has voted for Chip Hale.

During a silver level press conference, Alderson told reporters that his inclination was to give Melvin the job and ignore the other votes. But in the end he felt that the team needed a new direction and what could be newer and more innovative than having four managers? It was brought up in the press briefing that this kind of thing did not work out well when the Chicago Cubs tried it decades ago.

Alderson did say, "That was totally different. The Cubs were using coaches while the Mets will have four managers all with different areas they will take responsibility for. Kind of like Voltron!"

He then released to the press a spreadsheet that lays out precisely what part of managing each Mets manager will cover.

Alderson also stated, "You can't imagine how great these guys are in interviews. I could listen to all of them for hours. And, heck, we already did. It's just too hard to pick one and say 'You're our guy' and tell the others, 'Sorry, you lose'."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith & Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Despite Lack Of A Manager, Mets Have Found Their Pitching Coach

Despite not having a manger in place, the Mets front office seems to be ready to make an important coaching decision.  Today the Mets announced that they have found their pitching coaches.  That’s right, coaches with an "s".

Sandy Alderson and Co. have decided that given their fondness for statistical analysis, the Mets are going to be the first team in Major League history to have all their pitching decisions made by a computer.  The computer, named Pitching Algorithm 9000 or  PAL 9000 for short, will be programed by Eric Simon from Amazin' Avenue.  Using an advanced win-probability algorithm, PAL 9000 will be mounted in the Mets dugout and will tell the Mets when to change pitchers. It will also analyze performance and provide pitchers with a detailed printout of necessary mechanical adjustments.

Of course sometimes a human touch is necessary and that is why the Mets plan to bring in ESPN NFL reporter and Mets fan Bonnie Bernstein.  Serving as the human side of the coaching team, Bernstein will make the actual trips out to the mound to deliver PAL-9000’s suggestions.  Additionally, she will conduct a short interview with the pitcher which will be aired on SNY. 

“We had a situation where people were tuning out during pitching changes.”, says Paul DePodesta.  “With Bonnie, we have not only a pretty face, but a knowledgeable reporter who is not afraid to ask the tough questions.  In short, we’re giving the fans a reason to stay tuned.”

While Bernstein has not confirmed that she will indeed accept the position, PAL-9000 is already being tested at Digital Domain Park in Port St. Lucie.  Reports that, during early testing, PAL may have malfunctioned and killed a group of minor league instructors have not been confirmed. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Beltran / Mets Hope New Charity Will Repair Broken Relationship

Sandy Alderson and company have made no secrets about their desire to repair the fractured relationship between the Mets organization and their center fielder.  On Saturday, Alderson met with Carlos Beltran at his in Puerto Rico to discuss a multitude of issues.  On Monday, the Mets announced that they will be joining forces with Beltran here in NY to open a new academy as part of the Willets Point Redevelopment Project.

The Carlos Beltran Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, or the C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. for short, will be a full service academy focused on preparing aspiring students and ballplayers from all backgrounds for life in college and/or Major League Baseball.

When the students are not busy learning to "read good", there will be classes on a variety of topics such as learning to deal with the hyper-critical New York media, coping with booing, when to get a medical second opinion and what to do when a teammate is punching people in the family lounge.

Paul DePodesta, who joined Beltran at the announcement, feels that this is the first step in the right direction for both Beltran and the Mets.  "So much of what we have to do early on is avoiding the old mistakes and mending relationships.", said DePodesta. "This is a win-win for us.  Carlos gets to reconnect with New York and in the future, maybe we have a few less knuckleheads on the Mets."

The C.B.C.F.K.W.C.R.G.A.W.W.L.T.D.O.S.G.T. is currently scheduled to open it's doors in 2013 but may open sooner if the city can convince Vina Auto Glass to move.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For info on the REAL Carlos Beltran Academy click here.

Link: John Alderson, 87, dies in St. Petersburg

The father of Mets GM Sandy Alderson passed away today in Florida. Adam Rubin has the tragic details here.  The Apple would like to send our condolences out to Sandy and the entire Alderson Family.

Mets Unveil First 2011 TV Commercial

Note: This commercial is taken from the hilarious commercial for Trolman, Glaser & Lichtman. Watch the original here.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Did SNY Disrespect Sandy Alderson During His Interview On Mets Hot Stove?

OK SNY, we get it.  Kevin Burkhardt is your star.  You don't have to keep hitting us over the head with him.  Fans tuning in to watch new Mets GM Sandy Alderson's interview on Mets Hot Stove this week were shocked to find that the interview centered almost entirely around Burkhardt.  Here's a clip:


We can't help but feel like it was a little over the top but Sandy Alderson appears to be taking the whole thing in stride. 

"A successful TV network is one of the cornerstones of a healthy franchise.", Alderson told the Apple.  "Kevin is a big part of why SNY has been so good in these early years.  It's completely understandable that the network would want to showcase him as much as possible."

If you missed the interview, SNY is airing a rerun of Mets Hot Stove tonight at 6PM EST followed by an hour of footage of Burkhardt riding a horse on a beach.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Howie Rose Actually Does Put It In The Books

To Mets fans they are the five greatest words in the English language: Put It In The Books!  Much in the same way that generations waited for the great Bob Murphy to give us a "Happy Recap", the current generation of Mets fans turn on their radios with hopes of hearing Howie Rose put one in the books.

But in what may come as a surprise to Mets fans, Howie is not just blowing smoke with his signature line.  Since Rose began doing play by play in 1995, he has diligently recorded every game in it's own "book".

On Thursday, Rose invited us to his home to show us his collection.  We were led to the basement which has been converted to a makeshift library for Howie's "books".  "Catchphrases come and go, but 'Put it in the books' is more than just a catchphrase.", said Rose.  "After every Mets win I would come down here and write the story of that night's game in one of these notebooks.  When the Mets have a tough game or a tough season, I come down here, flip through one of these and it makes me feel better."

While the bulk of the books are dedicated to the Metropolitans, Rose admits that the ritual has expanded over the years.  "It started with the Mets but now I document every significant victory in my life.  There's books for the Islanders and books for my child's scholastic achievements.  Heck, this book here is from when I won the $50 gift card raffle at the Trader Joe's in Rego Park."

When we asked Rose what he intends to do with the books after he retires, he was unsure.  He had contacted the Hall Of Fame about donating them but they declined the offer.  "They said something about already having their own record books that weren't filled with Honeymooners references.  Maybe I'll put them on eBay."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mr. Met Implicated In Massive Mascot Gambling Probe

Just as the Mets were riding the crest of goodwill from the hiring of Sandy Alderson and his appointment of two highly respected assistants, word has leaked from federal investigators of a gambling epidemic involving many of Major League Baseball's beloved mascots.

Allegedly, the mastermind of the operation was none other than Mr. Met who (again allegedly) made bets - sometimes even against the Mets - with other mascots.  Met, a longtime employee of the Wilpons, refused to comment when confronted by local media.  In fact, we couldn't find anyone who has ever heard him speak.

"Apparently, there was nothing these mascots would not bet on.", said a representative from the MLB.  "Documents recovered by the investigator show that besides the actual games, the group would bet on ballpark activities such as sausage races, team trivia, whether or not the ceremonial first pitch would be bounced, name that year, the length of the national anthem & even who could shoot t-shirts the furthest."

Other mascots implicated included the Philly Phanatic, Bernie Brewer, and the slowest of the racing presidents, Teddy Roosevelt.  In each case they have attempted to cast the blame elsewhere for their shady behavior.

The Phanatic, arrested after a high speed chase around Citizens Bank Park, was defiant releasing a statement stating that all the other mascots always teased him about his girth and that he planned to use his winnings to quit this "ugly business" and get that stomach reducing surgery he's always wanted.

Meanwhile Bernie Brewer blames his gambling on his other addiction, beer drinking. Brewer's agent told The Apple that, "Bernie got in the habit of knocking down at least one beer before each game with Bob Uecker and then drinking another cold Miller after each homerun just before sliding down his chute."  The agent continued, "Damn Braun and Fielder have nearly killed my guy.  And then when that city slicker Mr. Met came along offering enticing odds on the games Bernie just couldn't say no."

Another angry mascot was Teddy.  He spilled his guts to the feds saying that his depression from never having won a President's Race finally got to him.  He started betting on Nationals games and even on the local race. He has allegedly received kickbacks from Mr. Met for "taking a dive" in the Presidents Race.

Information is sketchy about the west coast syndicate.  The FBI is still looking for its ringleader, a former mascot himself, The San Diego Chicken.

Locally, assistant GM J.P. Ricciardi had this to say about Mr. Met.  "Mr. Met has been a valued member of the Mets family for years and we want to stand by him through the legal process. We see him as innocent until proven guilty."

When asked what would happen if the charges against Mr. Met were true, Ricciardi replied, "Then it's OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith & Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

SNY To Air Comedy Sitcom Starring Gary, Keith & Ron in December

It is an arduous task for a local cable sports network to fill its airwaves with programming 24/7.  For this reason SNY has partnered with the NY Jets and UConn - and a soon to be announced association with New Rochelle High School to show its entire home and away lacrosse schedule. But even with that there is a programming void. People seem to be able to put up with Joe Beningo on DAILY NEWS LIVE only so much.

Steve Raab, President of SNY, explains the need for alternative programming.  “The YES network can air hundreds of Yankee classic games plus many Yankeeographies.”, said Raab. “But, seriously, how many Mets classic games are there to choose from, 10? 15? And if you narrow it down to showing mostly the ones the Mets have won then you're back in the single digits.”

Earlier this year the Mets experimented with primetime drama when they aired CSI: Citi Field.  The show, which starred SNY’s Kevin Burkhardt, debuted to critical praise but struggled to find an audience and was eventually cancelled.  Despite their failure in the drama category, SNY is gambling that viewers may be open to comedy. 

Beginning Monday December 6th and continuing through the end of March, SNY will air its first original scripted comedy series, the working title of which is "THE BIG INNING THEORY".
T.B.I.T. will star Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez, and Ron Darling. The plot premise is that the three announcers for the mythical major league team known as the New York Skyscrapers have all been thrown out of their domiciles by their wives. None of the wives could apparently continue to put up with husbands who talked baseball non-stop.

During the offseason the three characters, Gary Conan, Keith Stache, and Ron Dorable, decide to share an apartment in Manhattan. Gary plays a baseball-junkie turned announcer who can recite every trivial detail about the “'Scrapers” down to what denture adhesive was used by its original manager, Casey Stiggler. Gary's signature laugh line will be that as he leaves the apartment he'll always excitedly say, "I'm on the move, I'm at the door, I'M OUTTA HERE, OUTTA HERE." The laugh track will be turned up to max volume for this so the viewing audience will know to laugh.

Keith Stache is an ex-ballplayer and he'll be known as the guy who blurts out whatever comes into his mind. The roommates will love him but be exasperated by his candor and unique outlook on the world.
The writers are working frantically to figure out some way that Ron Dorable will be unique and funny.

No sitcom can exist without an attractive female lead. The guys will vie for the attention of sexy neighbor Jenny, played by Beer Money’s Amber Wilson.  Throw in their hotshot young neighbor Devon Workhard, played by Kevin Burkhardt, and you have a recipe for comedic gold.

The producers were hoping to add a recurring character, a crusty former Marine who would be the landlord for the guys, Stanley Alderman. They shelved this idea when it was learned that their first choice for the role, Norman Fell, was 86 years old, long retired, and actually dead.

It has not been decided yet whether the elevator in the building works.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith & Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Alderson & Company Plan To Attack The Mets Problems By The Numbers

With the addition of Paul DePodesta to the Mets’ front office the numerical triangle has been closed.  GM Alderson and his top lieutenants Ricciardi and DePodesta come straight from the Moneyball tree and all have a deep and abiding respect for mathematical analysis.

They have already hatched a plan to show all of baseball how different the Mets will be now that they are led by mathematical gurus.

First, the outfield fence signs will be replaced by their equivalent number in the metric system.  While David Wright might be intimidated by the fact that the fence in right center field is 415 feet away he’ll certainly be more encouraged when he sees the 126.5 sign since that’s the distance in meters.  And to poke one down the line instead of seeing a depressing 335 feet sign  it’ll read 102 (that’s it in meters).  Sounds a lot easier, right?

And there’s the speed gun.  R.A. Dickey has a reasonably fast knuckleball that gets to the plate at 83 miles per hour.  That’s not too intimidating.  But wait til the scoreboard shows the reading in kilometers/hour.  That 83 is now 133.6!  Take that opposing batters.

But the most noticeable change will be that many of the Mets players will be wearing more sophisticated and telling uniform numbers. 

Take Jose Reyes, the Mets’ own Mr. Energy, he’ll be wearing "mc^2"

Angel Pagan was the prankster on the team who would often smash a pie into a teammates’ face while the star of the game was being interviewed by Kevin Burkhardt.  So naturally Pagan’s new number will be the symbol for pi.  There was some consideration to giving out the number 3.14159 which is pi carried out a few places.  But to do that the team would have to trade for a wide back player like Prince Fielder or Pablo Sandoval.

Ollie Perez, should he come north with the big club, will be wearing "-$∞"  which can easily be read as “minus infinite dollars”.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Thank You Seth MacFarlane

Last night on Family Guy, after having his Halloween candy stolen from him, little Stewie Griffin compared the whole experience to being a Mets fan.  Stewie, we know your pain all too well.  Thank you Seth MacFarlane and Co. for so perfectly summing up a lifetime of frustration in 18 hilarious seconds.

Note: I find myself watching it over and over again just for that hat toss at the end.  What Mets fan hasn't done that move repeatedly over the last 10 years.

The Winners Of The Mets Photo Caption Contest Are...

The judging is over.  After going over the finalists, Darren from The 7 Line and I have decided on the contest winners.  In the end we just couldn't resist a good Ollie joke.  While we both felt a good caption should be short and sweet we made an exception for one clever entry.  The Winners are:

1st Place
A 7 Line Queens Hoodie

Steven said...

"5 members of the New York Mets attend the funeral for Oliver Perez's baseball career."

2nd & 3rd Place
A 7 Line T-Shirt of Their Choice

Sloatsburg Guy said...

"Excuse me your honor, we are here to testify on behalf of Francisco Rodriguez."

 


Srabanti Munshi said...

What should we do?
Should we admit that our team is hopeless?
Should we try to act like we actually care?
Should we stop working late night bachelorette parties?
What should we do?
Should we stop playing cards and start working out?
Should we be who You Want Us to Be?
What should we do?
Should we just shut up and play?
Or should we just go back to stripping?
What should we do?

JUST FIX IT

Thanks to everyone who participated.  It was tough to pick just three.  There will be more contests in the future so if you didn't win don't be too upset. 

I also want to thank Darren from the 7 Line for providing the prizes.  Darren is constantly pumping out new and cool Mets/Jets tees and if you haven't checked them out yet you need to do it now!  Use the discount code APPLE and get 10% off of their already low prices.

Alderson May Let Strat-O-Matic Tournament Decide Next Mets Manager

The Apple has learned that new Mets general manager Sandy Alderson plans to add a unique task to the managerial interview process. Long an advocate of probabilities, Alderson has decided that phase 2 of his interview process will be to have each prospective manager participate in a Strat-O-Matic Baseball tournament.

Alderson explained to our reporter, "I know these manager candidates all are going to want the job so badly that they'll say just about anything - you know, blow smoke up my you-know-where." He continued, "They'll all want me to believe that they share my philosophy in how to run a team. Well, it's the offseason now and I have to know how these guys will really utilize their players. So we'll assign them each a team and we'll all have at it."

Asked whether he, Alderson, would be playing, he replied, "Sure absolutely. Frankly I can't decide whether to manage my '88 A's team which won 104 games or the '90 team that won 103. I guess it doesn't matter. I'll let Backman run the '86 Mets and we'll decide about the other guys after round 1 of the interviews. Ricciardi wants to play too but I doubt he can find even one of his Blue Jays teams that'll be able to compete."

Alderson is also going to have members of the local press corps come into the game room after each game is played. Their job will be to riddle the candidates with questions about any questionable strategies that they used. The GM hopes to find out which manager-in-waiting can handle the rigors of the NY beat writers and the constant threat of Adam Rubin coming after their job.

The logical question we posed was whether the tournament winner automatically gets the Mets manager job?

"Not necessarily", said Alderson. "If it looks like the winner got there due to 'hot dice' we would not feel obligated to award him the job. But if he has managed with careful thought and maximized his 'probabilities' then he may just be our guy."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

13 Rejected Ideas For The Mets Amazin' Fan Perks Program

Earlier today, Dave Howard announced that the Mets will be going the extra mile to make season ticket holders feel appreciated.  In addition to ticket discounts, the Mets also announced the Amazin' Mets Perks program that gives season ticket holders the opportunity to enjoy special events, luxury suites and even once in a lifetime experiences like bringing your glove and watching batting practice on the field from the left center field warning track at Citi Field.  The list is so long it got us wondering if there was anything the Mets would not do.  As it turns out, we uncovered this list of rejected Amazin Mets Perks ideas.  Enjoy!

  13) Get walked by Oliver Perez

12) A signed piece of John Maine’s bone spur.

11) Dance Lessons from Jose Reyes plus your very own secret handshake

10) Private VIP line at Shake Shack

9) A golf outing with Johan Santana 

(Female Fans Only)

8) One (1) Complimentary knee surgery by Carlos Beltran’s personal doctor in Arizona 

(Team permission not required)

7) Autographed and Framed strands of Keith Hernandez’s mustache hair from Steiner Sports

6) Watch a game in a luxury suite while you are waited on by Luis Castillo

5) A rotunda named after you.

4) Watch a game from an obstructed view seat with Dave Howard while he defines the term obstructed to you.

3) Access to a special private condiments bar that hasn’t been sneezed on by half of the ballpark.

2) Private bathroom complete with urinal divider and flushing urinal.

1) A personalized text message from Frankie Rodriguez…and then 55 more personalized text messages from Frankie Rodriguez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Ballot Glitch Pushes Mets SS Reyes To Victory In NY Gubernatorial Election

New Yorkers were shocked on Monday morning to learn that Mets shortstop Jose Reyes has been elected Governor of New York State.  According to News 12, Reyes narrowly defeated Democrat Andrew Cuomo and Republican Carl Paladino to win the election despite the lack of a nomination.

So how did a Dominican baseball player rise to political power?  Experts are blaming major voting errors caused by New York’s new and overly complicated voting system.  Apparently, many voting sites received old 2010 All-Star game ballots instead of the proper ballot.  As a result, millions of New Yorkers mistakenly cast votes for ballplayers instead of politicians.  In a similar mishap, Chone Figgins is now NY State Comptroller.

While an investigation has been launched, many voters don’t seem to bothered by the prospect of Governor Reyes.  “I mean can he really be any worse than the last two guys?” said Jonathan Carey of Long Island City.  “Maybe he can liven up Albany with his dance moves.”

Reyes was at his home in Manhasset when he heard the news.  While he was surprised and doesn’t expect the results to hold up, Reyes was quick to appoint former Mets first base coach Razor Shines as his Lieutenant Governor.   

The Mets have announced that there will be an inauguration reception and pig roast at Citi Field in January following Jose’s swearing in.  Tickets are available for $200 each at mets.com. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Link: SNY Won't Conifrm Or Deny Jets Shutout Loss

Apple contributor Larry Smith penned this humorous piece on the Jets for our friends over at Sports Police.  Go check it out now. Link

CAPTION CONTEST UPDATE: 10 Finalists Revealed

OK, I've gone through the awesome captions you guys provided and I've narrowed it down to these 10 finalists.  From this list I will choose the 3 winners.  If your caption is one of the ten finalists please email me at readtheapple@gmail.com so I can can have your email contact info to notify you if you are one of the three winners.  I NEED TO HAVE YOUR EMAIL to notify you or you will not be able to win.  The top 3 will be announced at the the end of the week.  If you didn't make the list this time don't worry, there will be more contests in the near future.   

The finalists in no particular order are:

parrot said...

Sadly, that's the best the mets have looked all year......

Andrew said...

The Mets show off the new suits they won from the recent Men's Wearhouse "Inexplicably Blow 10 Winnable Games in a Month and Win a Free Suit" promotion.

Steven said...

"5 members of the New York Mets attend the funeral for Oliver Perez's baseball career."

altosax29b said...

"Met's Wearhouse, You're going to hate the way we play, I guarantee it"

Lauren said...

"Guys, when we said we were thinking of wooing Bobby V., this is not what we had in mind."

ryan said...

Last Night the New York Mets supposedly took to the field in suits. Since nobody was watching,we can neither confirm or deny this!

Srabanti Munshi said...

What should we do?
Should we admit that our team is hopeless?
Should we try to act like we actually care?
Should we stop working late night bachelorette parties?
What should we do?
Should we stop playing cards and start working out?
Should we be who You Want Us to Be?
What should we do?
Should we just shut up and play?
Or should we just go back to stripping?
What should we do?

JUST FIX IT

Sloatsburg Guy said...

"Excuse me your honor, we are here to testify on behalf of Francisco Rodriguez."

ARR said...

Professor Reyes has begun instituting a strict dress code.

Jval3 said...

Niese: Does this suit make my nose look big?