Happy Halloween From Candy Cornderson!

Image: SNY Gets Carried Away With Sandy Alderson Facts

Jeff Wilpon Send Mets Fans Email Warning Of C.H.U.D. Initiation Night

In hopes of ushering in a new era in transparency for the franchise, Mets owner Jeff Wilpon has been sending Mets fans constant email updates over the course of the GM hiring process.  Most fans have welcomed the constant updates which have ranged from "We are down to two candidates" to "Had bagels this morning. Yummy!".

But as so often is the case with email, Jeff has recently begun forwarding every silly urban legend chain letter he receives and fans have started to complain.  It started on Tuesday when Jeff sent an email warning fans about parking lot perfume salesmen who knock you out and take your kidney.  Most fans brushed off the initial email but then this morning this showed up in Mets fans inboxes:

Dear Mets Fans,

I just got this from a friend who gets Alerts from a detective in her neighborhood. It's important to pass along....

Mets, Royals Added To List Of Teams Giving Bengie Molina A Ring This Year

The World Series kicks off tonight in San Francisco but Bengie Molina has already won.  It has been widely reported that the Rangers catcher, who was traded from San Francisco to the Texas, has already been told he will receive a full World Series share and a ring for helping the Giants get to the playoffs.  In other words, regardless of who wins, Bengie gets a ring.

Once word got around Major League Baseball, teams started calling Molina with other offers.  The Blue Jays reportedly offered Molina a ring if he wears a Toronto hat during BP.  Molina politely declined.

The Mets were much less demanding.  Simply wanting to be involved in the postseason, the Mets have already sent Molina a 4th place ring, hoping that the catcher will wear it during interviews.  Upon hearing this, the KC Royals did the same.

We caught up with Molina outside of a Bay Area "Cash 4 Gold" location on Wednesday morning.  "It's a little crazy.", said Molina. "But it's nice to be appreciated.  I will cherish these rings and treat them with the respect they deserve."

Molina then went inside and sold them for 64 dollars and an iced-out "Romex" watch. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Caption This Photo, Win Free Swag!

 

Do you love the Mets? Are you funny?  Do you like free stuff?  Well here's your chance to combine all of those things with our first ever Photo Caption Contest. Take a look at this photo:

They May Not Win Much, But They Are Available For Bachelorette Parties

What Do I have To Do?

All you have to do is submit your caption into the comments section.  Next Monday, Darren Meenan of The 7 Line and I will chose our favorites.  The winners will get some free 7 Line swag.  Only captions submitted in the comments section will count.  Anything submitted on our facebook page or twitter will not count.

What Do I Get?

The top prize is an awesome Queens Hoodie in Mets colors. (A $35 Value) Two (2) other winners will receive t-shirts from The 7 Line.

Do I Have To Buy Anything? 

Absolutely not, but if you are a Mets or Jets fan and you haven't checked out Darren's awesome selection of shirts and hoodies at The 7 Line, you should check it out now. 

The contest will run from today through next Monday, November 1, 2010.  Winners will be announced sometime next week.  If you have any questions, send them to readtheapple@gmail.com.

Thank You, Bill. We Will Never Forget What You Did For Us.

 

Happy Anniversary, Mets Fans! 

  

24 years ago tonight, Mookie Wilson hustled down the line and witnessed history up close. Mr. Buckner...for the 24th time, thank you.  And Mr. Stanley, we didn't forget you either, thanks for making it all possible.

Welcome To The Club Philly, I Believe You Already Know The Yankees

Misery...Meet Company

Mets Meet With Jimmy "Too Damn High" McMillan About Vacant GM Spot

Today at Citi Field, Mets ownership went outside the box and brought in Jimmy McMillan to interview for the job of General Manager.  McMillan became a nationwide celebrity this week with his "Rent Is Too Damn High" platform at the NY Gubernatorial debates. 

To quickly recap, the Mets have had a difficult time finding a GM.  First, their reality TV show proved fruitless when it was canceled due to poor ratings.  Adding insult to injury, the team has been turned down by several candidates not willing to accept the Wilpon's preconditions.

According to a source, today's meeting went well.  McMillan apparently wowed the Wilpon's with his skills as a "karate master".  McMillan also did not seem to oppose the idea of outside influence reportedly saying, "If you guys want me to put a shoe on the team, I'll sign one."

After the meeting, McMillan issued this statement to the media:

My fellow fans, ticket prices are too damn high.  People working 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, just to sit in the Promenade.  People can't afford to feed their family at the game because the price of hot dogs is too damn high.  Also the lines at Shake Shack are too damn long.  Listen! Do you hear that?  It's the sound of people getting in line for Shake Shack right now for next April.  As a karate expert I will fix this team because I'm not going to play the silly game.  Right now these players salaries are too damn high.  Thank you. 


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Hope McDonalds Monopoly Promotion Will Boost Team Revenue

It's 7AM at the McDonalds on Roosevelt Ave. in Flushing.  People come and go, stopping in for coffee or a quick breakfast, but in the back four men are making a plan that will shape the future of the New York Mets.

Fred Wilpon, his son Jeff, VP Dave Howard and acting GM John Ricco are feverishly pouring over data and numbers. But these are not batting averages or attendance figures, they are game pieces.  Desperate to increase revenue, the Mets have hatched a plan to win cash and prizes in the McDonalds Monopoly promotion going on.

When John Ricco is dispatched to go buy more hash browns, he granted me some insight into their ideas.  "Look it's been a tough year financially for the Wilpon family.", said Ricco.  "But they are devoted to leaving no stone unturned when it comes to finding ways to improve the ballclub."

According to Ricco, the Wilpons hope to win the million dollar grand prize but will take anything they can get.  Apparently, they intend to re-gift any small prizes to season ticket holder in hopes that they will renew their overpriced seats next season.

Rico returns to the table with several dozen hash browns and the men get back to peeling game pieces.  "I got Baltic Ave!", shouts Dave Howard.  "All I need is Mediterranean and that's 50 bucks!"

May God help us all.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Ownership's "Commandments" Making It Difficult To Find A GM

For the past couple of weeks, the Mets front office has been interviewing candidates for their vacant GM.  Josh Byrnes, Allard Baird, Logan White, Rick Hahn, Sandy Alderson and more have all met with the Wilpons and yet none of them have been willing to take the job.  Curious as to why, The Apple's Larry Smith did a little digging and uncovered a document which may explain why the position is still vacant.  The document contains a list of four special requests that ownership will require a new GM to agree to.

They are:

A 30-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE- The Mets' owners are upset that shortly after signing the likes Oliver Perez, Luis Castillo, and Jerry Manuel they found themselves with "buyer's remorse." So as to avoid this occuring quickly with their new GM this clause allows the Wilpons to annul the marriage, so to speak, in its first month with the new hire agreeing to return any and all signing bonus money that was given him.

THE WALLY BACKMAN CLAUSE - The Wilpons like Backman for a variety of reasons. He's feisty, a proven winner albeit at the minor league level, and he has roots with the legendary '86 Mets. They want the new GM to hire him as their manager. BUT, being acutely aware of their reputation as meddlesome owners they insist that the new GM announce Backman as his own idea even to the point of saying that he's hiring Wally over the objections of ownership which has proven its hands-offness by permitting the hire.

THE STEVE PHILLIPS HANKY PANKY CLAUSE - The new GM must assure ownership that he will not have extramarital affairs with any of the team's interns, front office personel, or (God forbid) Mets players or their wives. If it is shown that they have strayed then the team has the right to tear up their contract and ban him from the stadium as well as Darryl Strawberry's Sports Grill in Douglaston.

THE OMAR MINAYA ETHNIC PARITY CLAUSE - For years ownership has heard a segment of the fan base complain about a team of Latinos mixed with the occasional Japanese pitcher. It was said that David Wright was close to being the only player on the team whose native language was English. If the new GM allows the roster to stray more than one standard deviation away from the league averages in cultural diversity then ownership can cancel the rest of the GM's contract - owing nothing.  In other words, the Mets would like the next GM to combat perceived racism with actual racism or lose his job.

For some reason unknown to Fred and Jeff none of the interviewees thus far has agreed to any of the four clauses - let alone all four.  The search continues.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Carl Paladino To Lead Gay Rights Protest At Tonight's Yankees/Rangers ALCS

They say politics makes for strange bedfellows and that is what will be on display tonight in the Bronx when the Yankees meet the Texas Rangers in game 3 of the ALCS.  Gubernatorial hopeful and local wackjob Carl Paladino has decided to buy out a huge chunk of the right field bleachers with the hopes of staging a gay rights demonstration.

The Yankee Stadium bleachers have come under fire recently for their homophobic rendition of the Village People's classic YMCA, which is played while the stadium grounds crew rakes the infield and murders dignity.

Paladino, meanwhile has drawn criticism for his comments about homosexuality and his staunch anti-speedo stance.  Most polls show Paladino has fallen hopelessly behind Andrew Cuomo in the race for Governor, but that hasn't stopped the Republican from trying one last ditch effort to get homosexual voters back on his side.

In addition to giving the 1,000 bleacher tickets purchased to local gay and lesbian organizations, Paladino will patrol the bleachers with his group of "ambassadors" educating the ignorant about gay rights.  Paladino seems excited about the event...or maybe he seemed desperate, it's hard to tell with politicians.

"I really want to get out there and show the people of this great state that I support equal rights for all.", Paladino told The Apple.  "It's going to be a good time.  We're going to stop them from singing that song and we'll also have men in little Speedos grinding on each other.  Dear God please vote for me."

Fans interested in joining the protest are encouraged to meet up with Paladino at a rally outside Gate 8 at 6PM.  Speedos are optional. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Sweeps Week: Mets To Appear In "House" Movie Special On FOX

As we've been reporting all week, the Mets are in the midst of an all out assault to dominate your television this fall.  The team has deals already in place with NBC and TNT as well as an appearance on The History Channel's Pawn Stars.  Today, the Mets announced they have signed a deal with FOX to produce a 2-Hour Movie edition of the network's hit show House entitled House: Prevention & Recovery.

According to the show's creator David Shore, the Mets and their multiple health problems will present Dr. House with the ultimate challenge.

Fox issued this synopsis in a press release today:

HOUSE: PREVENTION & RECOVERY

When a local baseball team starts coming down with mysterious ailments that seemingly refuse to heal, Dr. House (Hugh Laurie) and his team are called in to solve the problem.  The task seems easy at first, but soon the team realizes just how difficult it is to keep these guys healthy.  Just when the team solves one problem, another arises.  The problems get worse when a fist fight breaks out in the hospital lounge.  With incurable concussions, paper thin ligaments, disintegrating knees and hot-headed Venezuelans facing him at every turn, will House be able to get any of these guys back on the field for Spring Training?

Fans of House and the Mets can expect House: Prevention and recovery to air sometime this November.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Source: Mets Tried To Unload Oliver Perez On "Pawn Stars"

Yesterday we reported on the Mets sending Oliver Perez down in to the Chilean mine.  Apparently this was not their first attempt to unload the lefty.  Media Goon, a contributor to Mets Police and Sports Police, was in Las Vegas to watch a filming of the TV show Pawn Stars when he happened upon Mets owner Jeff Wilpon talking to Pawn Stars star Richard "Rick" Harrison and company.  According to Goon, the exchange went like this:

Rick: So, what have you got for me?

Jeff Wilpon: I have a one of a kind piece of authentic New York Mets history.

Rick: Really? Sports Memorabilia is a hot market right now. What is it?

Jeff Wilpon: Number 46 of the New York Mets, wearing his white jersey, Ollie Perez.

Rick: Ooof? Really? Hmmm. What are you looking to do here? Pawn him? Sell him?

Jeff Wilpon: Sell him.

Rick: What are you looking to get for him?

Jeff Wilpon: About $20 million.

Chum Lee: I wouldn't take him if you gave ME $20 million.  He looks broken.

Rick: Yeah. I'm sorry but ummm, yeah. He is a really niche kind of item. The only real buyers out there would be a team like the Yankees.  Even that would be a stretch.


Jeff Wilpon: Are you sure there's nothing you can do? 

Rick: I wouldn't even give you  $20 dollars for him.  It would cost me too much money to try to restore him and then there is no real chance I could move him. Thanks for bringing him by today.

Jeff Wilpon: How about just the jersey?  Can I get $50 for it.

Rick: The thing with jerseys is that they are really common.  Maybe if it was the black one.  That one seems to sell the best.  I could move one of those.

Chum: Yeah those black one's are sweet.

Jeff Wilpon: How about I just leave him here for a few days and see if you change your mind?

Rick: (Pointing to Chum) I've already got one head case here to look after.  I don't need a second.

(Rick started laughing)

Jeff Wilpon: C'mon Ollie, we have a meeting with the guys from American Pickers in an hour.

Wilpon gathered up his pitcher and left.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Randy Medina & Keith Blacknick.  You can follow Keith on twitter @mediagoon

Breaking News: Oliver Perez Lowered Into Chilean Mine To Assist Trapped Miners

Earlier today, as a worldwide television audience watched,  Mets pitcher Oliver Perez was lowered into the collapsed mine in Chile.  Perez was in Chile at the request of Mets owner Jeff Wilpon, who spoke briefly with The Apple.

"When we heard that volunteers were needed to risk their lives to save those miners, we immediately signed Ollie up.", said Wilpon.  "We got him on a plane and let him watch a 20-minute mine safety DVD."

According to Wilpon, the organization felt that since they were not seeing a return from their investment, someone might as well be able to put him to use.  Perez was not exactly jumping at the chance to go down into the dangerous mine, but in the end the Mets made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

"We told him either he goes down to the minors next year, or down into the mine.", said Wilpon. "He chose the mine."

Unbeknown to Perez was the fact that the Mets signed off on an agreement with the Chilean government that states if a situation should arise where one man has to sacrifice himself for the good of the others, Perez will fill that role.  The Mets then promised a 5 million dollar donation should Chile make such a situation occur.

Good luck Ollie.  Our prayers are with you.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Sweeps Week: New Drama Will Explore Getting Old In The Big Leagues

Yesterday we told you about the Mets attempt to turn their GM search into a reality TV show, but this is not the only new show featuring Mets players.  Mets president Dave Howard announced today that the Mets have entered into an agreement with TNT to produce a new drama/documentary that will follow the lives of three Mets players throught the off-season and spring training.

The show, called Mets Of A Certain Age, will follow Carlos Beltran, Luis Castillo and R.A. Dickey as they prepare for 2011.  Howard insists this is not just a Hard Knocks rip-off.

"This is going to be more than just a typical sports series.", says Howard.  "There is going to be an emotional depth that has never been seen before in a sports program."

This description from TV Guide seems to confirm Howard's sentiments:

METS OF A CERTAIN AGE explores the unique bonds of male friendship among three men experiencing the changes and challenges of a baseball career. They have been teamates for only a short while but now they are navigating through the second act of their careers together. Carlos (Beltran) is the aging star who is eager to prove his skills are not as diminished as some would say.  Luis (Castillo) is a laid-back veteran who the game has long since passed him by. Lately, he's spending more time coming off the bench than starting. And R.A. (Dickey) is an aging knuckleballer who has found a renewed career and is desperate to hold on for as long as the ride will last.

These friends face very different challenges. Carlos tries desperately to reconnect with a fan base that would rather make a clean break. Luis scoffs at the idea that he is through and eagerly awaits the chance to vindicate himself.  R.A. is simply doing everything he can to keep his new found success going. Through it all, these men are there for each other when it counts.

Mets of a Certain Age will air on TNT this November.  Check your local listings for details.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Sweeps Week: Mets Turn GM Search Into Reality TV Show

It was a match made it TV heaven.  Take one franchise desperate to improve their public image.  Add one struggling network eager to improve its meager ratings.  The result?  NBC and the Mets today were happy to announced their newest fall show: The Mets Apprentice: Search For A Competent GM.

The show, the latest extension of the Apprentice brand which already includes The Celebrity Apprentice and The Apprentice: SVU, will air on NBC and SNY over the next six weeks.

Each week the candidates will try to complete a task that "The Donald" assigns them.  One week has all of the candidates spending the week under one roof living together and talking baseball non-stop. Whoever gets the others so worn down that they'd trade their own mothers just to escape the guy wins the week.

In another episode the GM's will be given unreliable roadmaps and uncharged GPS devices. Their task will be to find their way to a particular sandlot to scout out a hot prospect and then sign him.

The show will continue in this manner until all but one of the candidates is shown the door by Donald Trump or whichever of his relatives is undeservedly running the show that week.

Executive producer Mark Burnett weighed in on the partnership at a press event on Monday.  "For a team that has had four years of "Hard Knocks" it is not surprising that they have decided to throw open the interview process to reality TV.", said Burnett.  "I think the end product will be something both the Mets and NBC can be proud of."

Catch the first episode of The Mets Apprentice airs tonight at 10PM EST following an all new episode of The Event.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Randy Medina & Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

 

Publish Post

Link: Metspolice.com Wants The Mets To Man Up And Play Better

With me in the midst of full-on Devils Opening Night mode, there's nothing new going up on The Apple.  Don't fear though, Larry Smith and I are working on something that should keep you guys entertained all next week.  In the meantime, head on over to Shannon Shark's Mets Police blog. 

If you aren't already familiar with his work, I consider Shannon the most outspoken advocate for Mets fans rights.  Despite our disagreement over the Mets use of the color black, he runs a fun site.  Today we teamed up as he wants the Mets 2011 slogan to be "Man Up and Play Better".  I can't say I disagree.  Go read it now.

God: "I Don't Hate Mets Fans."

On a day like today there's a lot of crazy talk going on out there in the Twitterverse, Blogosphere and the Municipality of Facebook.  The most disturbing is the notion that God hates Mets fans. 

Now I'm not even sure what particular concept of God people are talking about, but regardless of your deity of choice, I find it pretty silly to believe he/she would involve himself in baseball.  I find it even sillier to believe he/she would be concerned with one particular fan base. 

The exception being the Greek god Hermes, in this case he would have to be involved because well, it's in his job description.

Hermes aside, I had to assume most people were talking about the bearded Sistine Chapel version so I placed a few calls.  I was shocked when God himself returned my call.

The Apple: First off, congratulations on all your great works: the mountains, the rain forests...Eliza Dushku.

God: You're welcome.

TA: So let's get right to it.  Do you hate Mets fans?

G: I get this every year around this time.  I'm not sure where it comes from.  I love all my creations.  I harbor no animosity towards any particular group of fans.  Not even that really obnoxious group.  You know the one I'm talking about.

TA: So why the perception?

G: I work in mysterious ways and I test fans in different ways.  Some fans can't handle it and become bitter.  I guess they end up blaming me.  It's understandable I suppose.

TA: So you love Mets fans?

G: Yes.

TA: But you also like messing with them?

G: I suppose.  It can get boring up here and listening to some of your calls on WFAN helps pass the time.  You guys are hilarious.

TA: But you take no responsibility for their plight?

G: Not directly anyway.  To be honest, I don't care much for baseball.  Too slow.  Now hockey, there's a man's game.

TA: I guess that settles it.  Thanks for joining us.

G: No problem.  I'm a big fan.

So there you have it.  God does not hate you Mets fans.  He just enjoys watching you squirm. Hermes, however , did email us to say he does hate you.  I wouldn't worry though.  I think he only controls ancient Greek sports like discus and stuff.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Marketing Department Testing Out Possible 2011 Slogans

It may be the offseason for us fans, but the Mets Marketing Department is hard at work preparing advertising materials for the upcoming season.  Thanks to our great relationship, the Mets have agreed to let The Apple publish some of their early ideas to see what the fans think.  Enjoy and let us know which you like best.  It just may end up being the official 2011 slogan of the Mets.

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Rico Vs. Ricco: Who Wins In A Battle Of Interim GM vs. Galactic Hero?

WARNING: Today's post is for geeks only so I won't hold it against you if you click away now.

Still here?

OK so let me make a confession. Starship Troopers is one my ultimate guilty pleasures. Yes, it's a glorified B-Movie. Yes, it has Neil Patrick Harris about 5 years before he was cool again. Yes, it "stars" Denise Richards but I don't care.

So the first time I heard that the Mets assistant GM was named John Ricco, the same name as the bug blasting hero of Starship Troopers, I couldn't hold back the nerd laugh. I figured this would pass but it hasn't. Every time I hear the guys name I crack up. Now he's in charge, well at least for a couple of weeks. So with the hopes of getting it all out of my system I give you Rico Vs. Ricco:



Lets meet the players.

JOHNNY RICO - Colonel in the Mobile Infantry
Played by - Actor Casper Van Dien
Fun Fact - Likes female pilots with huge lips


JOHN RICCO - Interim GM of the New York Mets
Played by - Himself and once by this guy.
Fun Fact - Name sometimes pronounced Rick-O depending on who you talk to.




Category 1: Resume
Rico: Once defeated an entire planet of man-eating bugs.
Ricco: Once announced a trade on SNY.

Winner: Col. John Rico -  Fictional or not, defeating an alien army is going to win every time.  The only exception would have been if Ricco had announced that the Mets had traded Oliver Perez.

Category 2: Rise To Power
Rico: Promoted after mercy-killing his commanding officer who was being eaten by a bug.
Ricco: Promoted after his boss was relieved of command by the team owner.

Winner: Col. John Rico - We all joke about shooting the boss.  This guy actually did it.  Though I'd like to think that if Omar Minaya was being consumed by a alien space bug he would have wanted John Ricco to put him out of his misery.

Category 3: Toughest Challenge

Rico: Stop an invasion of vicious gigantic insects from outer space.

Ricco: Decide what to do about guys like Jose Reyes and Hisanori Takahashi.

Winner: GM John Ricco - This is New York.  I don't know about you but I'd rather face an army of killer bugs than a room full of angry Mets fans.

Category 4: Special Ability

Rico: Irresistable to B-Movie Actresses.

Ricco: Invisible To NY Press.

Winner: GM John Ricco - I was shocked that his picture is even in the Mets media guide.  Don't believe me.  Do a Google image search for "John Ricco Mets".  The man is a ghost.  That's not easy in this town.

Category 5: Likely Future

Rico: A horrible violent bug-related death.

Ricco: A quiet return to anonymity.

Winner: GM John Ricco - I always go with option that doesn't include being torn in half by an arachnid.

Winner?

While GM John Ricco apparently wins 3-2, I like to imagine a world where we aren't forced to choose.  Why can't we simply combine the two into one ass-kicking, trade-making, contract signing killing machine.  I'd like to think he would look something like this:

The Apple's Year In Review Music Video

Thank you to everyone who followed The Apple throughout this season.   It was a fun season despite the familiar outcome.  While I will continue posting on the site throughout the offseason, I felt that today would be as good a time as any to take a look back at the fictional ups and downs of our boys in blue and orange.  So grab your popcorn and enjoy The Mets 2010 Season in Pictures!

Mets Announce Plans For Yet Another New Stadium

Artist's Rendering Of New Shea Stadium

In a surprise announcement Jeff Wilpon called a gold level press conference to reveal plans for the Mets (or NY City or NY State or whoever else) to build a brand new ballpark in Flushing.

As you know the Mets moved into CitiField in 2009 and no one expected that the team would need a another new park for at least several decades.

In making the announcement Mr. Wilpon conceded that CitiField has not worked out exactly as planned. Here's part of his statement:

"We realize now that we put too much emphasis on the old Brooklyn Dodgers when we built our park. The Ebbets Field front combined with the Jackie Robinson Rotunda. It's all too much. We erred there.  And the field is just so big. We wanted a field that favors the pitcher but we just went overboard in that department. There are some obstructed seats. Let's face it - CitiField is OK but we can and must do better."

A Mets executive who prefers to remain anonymous for obvious reasons revealed to us the real reason for the move. "The only way in this baseball business to make money is putting fannies in the seats. The tried and true method to do this is by putting together an exciting winning team that makes the playoffs regularly. This takes a productive farm system combined with a sharp GM who acquires just the right mix of players and an astute manager that can put it all together. Look, we don't have any of that stuff so the only other way is to open a new ballpark. Fans come to that no matter how lifeless a team you put out there."

The new Mets ballpark has the working name of NEW SHEA STADIUM and will be built in the CitiField parking lot right on the site of the original Shea Stadium. This is particularly advantageous since the outline of the stadium can be seen in the parking lot and many of the architectural plans can be recycled.

Mr. Wilpon also opined that, "we feel that baseball is being overemphasized at some of these new ballparks so we will work hard to find other things to make the visit to NEW SHEA enjoyable." To that end there will be a strip mall, petting zoo, and pool hall in the lower rotunda area.

Thinking proactively the Wilpons believe the day of the dedicated ballparks is waning. So they hope to entice an NFL back to Flushing and will make entreaties to the New York Jets.

But going further they also hope to attract an NBA and/or NHL franchise to the ballpark. When it was pointed out that the new stadium is an open air one Jeff Wilpon responded that the Nets are owned by a Russian billionaire and, "if he wants to put a roof on the place who am I to stop him?"

And as for the Islanders Wilpon noted how successful the NHL has been when it has aired its one outdoor game each year. So wouldn't a team be even more successful if it played ALL of its games outdoors? How can one argue against this logic?

Wilpon denied that he plans to charge PSL (personal seat license fees) at the new park. Fans just hate that gratuitous money grab. But he did not rule out possibly instituting PFL's which are personal food licenses that allow patrons to then buy food at the many vendors stands in the stadium.

The plan is for the Mets to stay at CitiField for the 2011, 2012, and 2013 seasons - just long enough to get the All Star Game there and then move in to NEW SHEA in 2014.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Mets Turn Losing Season Into Marketing Opportunity

It's been another tough year for the Mets.  Despite an improvement over their 2009 record, the Mets were guaranteed another sub .500 season last night when they were soundly defeated 9-2 by the Milwaukee Brewers at Citi Field.  For most fans, a losing season was an inevitability but for the Mets marketing department, it's an opportunity.

On Friday, the Mets unveiled a new promotion with the sandwich chain Subway.  In honor of the Mets sub .500 year, the sandwich chain will lower the price of it's $5.00 foot long sandwiches to $4.95 in it's NY stores to more closely resemble the Mets winning percentage.  In reality, it should be $4.87 but Subway felt that would just look weird.

The Subway "Sub .500, Sub $5" promotion will be advertised throughout the city on buses, billboards and of course in the subway system.  Jose Reyes was chosen to be the face of the campaign.

"They just tell me to point at the sandwich and they take a picture", Reyes told The Apple.  "Then they give me money."

At least one Mets fan believes that Subway and the Mets are a perfect match.  Keith Blacknick of Woodside explained his theory to us while waiting for the subway at the 59th street station.  "Those sandwiches are just like the Mets.", said Blacknick.  "At first it looks good in the picture.  About half way through you realize it's not as good as you had hoped and by the end you wish you had never gotten involved with it."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.