MLB Covering All Bases When It Comes To Cheesy Playoff Hats

By now you've probably already seen those horrible hats being handed out in clubhouses around the Major Leagues.  If you haven't, let us fill you in.  Basically, Major League baseball, in their laziest marketing move ever, had teams receive generic hats that said Playoffs as opposed to their actual title. 

While it's understandable that the Yankees would get a "Playoffs" hat due to their actual title being undecided, but when the Reds won the NL Central for the first time in 15 years what did their hat say?  You guessed it "Playoffs".  

The Apple contacted Major League baseball to complain about these hats and learned some disturbing news.  Apparently the Playoffs hats are only phase one of their marketing plan.  On October 3rd all teams eliminated from contention will receive an "Offseason" hat to celebrate their exit from 2010 baseball.

Albert Hamilton, a marketing rep for the MLB explained the logic behind the promotion.  "Major League Baseball and the individual teams generate a lot of extra revenue by selling this post season merchandise.", said Hamilton.  "Unfortunately, by only creating merchandise for division winners and wild cards meant that a lot of teams were denied that opportunity.  The "Offseason" cap fixes that problem.  Now every team has a reason to celebrate.  It's like in little league when everyone gets a trophy."

The Mets MLB Offseason hat will sell for $27.99 and will be available at the Citi Field team store immediately following Sunday's game and at Modells locations on Monday.  Only time will tell if they will be as popular as the Elimination Champions merchandise.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

 

Desperate Beltran Tries One Last Effort To Win Back Fan Support

Carlos Beltran has spent his entire Mets career fighting a losing battle for the support from the Mets fan base.  He hit 41 homers for the Mets in the 2006 season but fans only remember his strikeout in his last at bat of that year.  His frequent injuries and public dispute with the Mets over his off-season knee surgery have landed him a lifetime membership in most fan's dog house.  Now Beltran is headed for an MRI which could end his already shortened season and put the brakes on any ideas the Mets may have had about trading the center fielder.

But this time, Beltran has decided to take an aggressive approach to rehabilitating his tarnished image.  As part of the Mets current "Thank You Fans" initiative, Beltran has taken it upon himself to shave the message into his head.

Beltran's agent, Scott Boras, who also represents Mr. Met, explains Beltran's thought process.  "Carlos is going through at tough time right now.  He knows that if this MRI turns up anything he will be untradeable.", said Boras.  "In that scenario he finishes his contract at Citi Field with the Mets.  If that is going to happen he desperately wants the fans on his side."

Mets owner Jeff Wilpon applauds the move.  "I like to think that I have my finger on the pulse of the fan base.", said Wilpon.  "Mets fans are pretty easy to please.  They want luxury boxes and gourmet food.  They are pretty happy with the way the things are going and they ask for nothing more than our simple "Thank You Fans" message at ballgames.  I think they will embrace Carlos with open arms."

The Mets will play a single-admission double header tonight against the Brewers starting at 4PM.  On Thursday, they return to their normal routine with a double-admission single header.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Game Cancelled After Bark In The Park Disaster - Bay Out For Season

Officially, the Mets game against the Brewers was called off last night due to inclement weather.  The move came as a bit of a surprise since the whole game was scheduled to be played on PlayStation anyway.  We figured there had to be another reason for the cancellation and after doing some digging, The Apple uncovered the real reason the game was called off.  

Apparently, Mets outfielder Jason Bay, who had been mulling over the idea of returning for the season's final series, was doing some jogging in the light rain prior to the game to see if any concussion symptoms would return.  Unfortunately, his jogging agitated a group of canines who had been let in early as part of the team's "Bark in the Park" promotion.   The dogs broke free from their owners and began chasing the Mets left fielder all over the field before finally catching him at second base and delivering a severe mauling.

Bay was rushed to New York Hospital for Special Surgery where he was treated for several bites and lacerations.  He is expected to make a full recovery but will miss the remainder of the season.  On the positive side, Bay says he experienced no concussion symptoms during the attack.

Immediately following the attack, the Mets closed the gates and called off the game out of fear for the safety of the fans and stadium staff.  The game has been rescheduled as part of a double-header on Wednesday while "Bark in the Park" has been canceled outright. 

If you were holding a ticket to the game you may exchange it for a future game.  If you are holding a $10 dog ticket, the Mets are offering a choice of a full refund or a gift certificate for the dog walking services of Oliver Perez. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

Mets / Brewers To Play Tonight's Game Entirely On Playstation

The New York Mets and Milwaukee Brewers hope to make history tonight when they meet at Citi Field tonight.  Due to a combination of injuries, inclement weather and an overall lack of any fan interest, the two teams have decided that tonight's contest will be contested entirely on Sony's Playstation 3 video game system.

The game will be played using Sony's MLB 10: The Show video game.  It will be shown on the center field scoreboard with David Wright controlling the Mets and Prince Fielder controlling the Brewers. Jose Reyes was originally supposed to control the virtual Amazin's but sprained his thumb during virtual batting practice this morning.  He is listed as day to day.

The gates will open at regular time for fans who want to watch but the Mets aren't expecting much.  A Mets marketing representative explains the move, "We have a situation where we have sold only 648 tickets to tonight's game and to be completely honest, most of those tickets are for dogs who wouldn't know the difference between a Mets game, video game or a large rock.  With the weather forecast not looking good there is a good chance we wouldn't be able to play the game anyway so when Sony stepped up with this marketing opportunity we had to jump on it."

The Mets and Brewers will each receive an undisclosed amount of money from Sony for tonight's game.   As far as concerns about how the game will be perceived by the rest of the league, a spokesperson for the Brewers summed it up best.

"They have a big mechanical apple that comes out during home runs.  We race sausages at our games.  I think it's safe to say that both franchises stopped caring about image a long time ago."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. 

David Wright Appearance Dropped From Upcoming Sesame Street Episode

Earlier this week, a sketch featuring Katy Perry was dropped from an upcoming episode of Sesame Street when parents complained about her attire.  Well it seems that the pop singer will have some company on the banned list now that the producers of Sesame Street announced today that they are also cutting a segment featuring Mets third baseman David Wright.

The controversy also stems from parents complaints about David's choice of dress.  According to Wright's agent, the whole thing is a bit of a mix-up.  "We set the whole thing up over the phone.", says Wright's agent. "It was a bad connection.  I explained to David that they wanted him to come in and teach Elmo about the letter S and the letter M.  Somehow he heard it as they wanted him to come in and teach Elmo about S&M."  Ever the good soldier, Wright suited up in his nicest bondage attire and went to shoot the scene.

Though they decided to drop the sketch, the producers of Sesame Street have been very understanding about the whole situation and hope to have Wright back for another appearance in a later episode.

"David has always been very cooperative.", says the show's executive producer Carol-Lynne Parente.  "He's a great young man and we would love to have him back.  Though I must say I can't for the life of me understand how someone could think Sesame Street would want to do a bondage sketch?  I think the season may be taking a toll on poor David." 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Modells Scrambles To Maintain Stock As Mets Fans Gobble Up Elimination Merchandise

Excited Mets fans grab up merchandise at an NYC Modells

It seems that for once, one of the Mets plans actually worked.  We broke the news yesterday that the Mets have decided to milk this years elimination with a line of championship style merchandise.  Apparently the fans have spoken and the "Elimination Celebration" is a hit.

Fans showed up at area Modell's stores in droves yesterday desperate to get their hands on an elimination champions tee shirt.  Once the news hit the internet, long lines and crowds began to develop and store managers were left scrambling to keep merchandise on the sales floor.

Many stores could not keep up with the growing demand

Luis Perez, the manager of a lower Manhattan location, told us he was sold out by 4PM.  "We had so many people asking for it I had to put a sign in the window.", says Lopez.  "I think we seriously underestimated how many sarcastic Mets fans are out there."

Things even got ugly at a couple of locations when customers began fighting over what little merchandise was left.  To keep up with the demand, the Mets have announced that additional shipments of Elimination Celebration merchandise will be hitting store shelves this Friday.  For store managers like Luis Perez, it can't arrive soon enough.

"I already have guys camping out.", says Lopez.  "I can't imagine what it would be like if they ever actually won."

Neither can we.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Hope To Make Best Of A Bad Situation WIth "Elimination Celebration"

Last night, the mathematically viable portion of the Mets season came to an end and somewhere, Barney Stinson had a cigarette.  The Mets ownership understands that when your team is eliminated fan interest drops considerably so they launched a multi-tiered marketing plan to keep the fans involved and spending their hard earned cash on the Mets.

The "Elimination Celebration" kicked off last night in Florida when players were given "Elimination Champions" shirts to wear after their loss to the Marlins officially sealed their fate.  Mike Pelfrey, the starting pitcher on Tuesday night, even wore his during the post game press conference on SNY. 

Back in New York, fans flocked to Modell's Sporting Goods stores to get in on the action.  The store is decked out in decorative bunting celebrating the end of another long difficult season while posters in the window announce the arrival of "Elimination Celebration" merchandise.  The official "Elimination Champions" shirts are available for $24.99 and are selling fast.  We spoke to one of the fans in the store.  "I'm just glad it's over.", says Dave from Flushing. "It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  Now I can just enjoy football."

According to the Mets, the celebration will continue when the Mets return home on the 27th with events scheduled throughout the final homestand.  A "great moments in Mets elimination" tribute is scheduled for the 28th.  Bobby Valentine will return to celebrate the 1998 collapse on October 2nd while the 2007 team will be honored in a special on field ceremony before the final game on October 3rd.

Tickets for the Elimination Celebration Homestand are available at Mets.com or 718-507-TIXX and start at eleven dollars.  Tickets can also be purchased at stubhub.com for fifty cents.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

For Oliver Perez, Bark In The Park Offers A Shot At Redemption

For the first time since returning from the DL, Oliver Perez knows his next assignment and he's putting in extra work to prepare.   The Mets today announced that Perez will get the call on September 27th when the Mets face the Milwaukee Brewers during the final home stand of the year.  The only catch for Perez?  He will not be pitching.  Instead, the lefty will be catching...well sort of.


On September 27th, the Mets will host Bark in the Park Night at Citi Field.  Fans willing to pay $10 to bring their dog to an event it cannot possibly comprehend will be permitted to sit in the Pepsi Porch.  While the Mets hope this event will bring in extra fans but they understand that it will bring an additional element to the ballpark.  Poop.  Not the usual crap that the fans see on the field but actual poop.  Enter Oliver Perez.

During Bark in the Park, Oliver Perez will roam the Pepsi Porch and be the first man on the spot when one of the Mets canine fanatics hits a "2-bagger".  Perez, who has worked various odd jobs around the ballpark, is looking forward to the opportunity and spent the off day practicing outside Citi Field before joining the team for the opener of their 3-game series tonight at Tampax Pearl Stadium.

"It's starting to get colder and I'll take any job that gets me out of the dunk tank.", says Perez.  "Plus, I like dogs a lot so that's a bonus.  In the end I am just glad to have an assignment and I want to help the team in any way I can."

A team spokesman tells The Apple that unlike his pitching performances, Oliver will be expected to go all nine innings as the team's designated scooper.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Omar Minaya's Faceplate Falls Off During Press Conference

What little chance the Wilpon's had of retaining Omar Minaya as GM next season went up in smoke today when Minaya's faceplate fell off during a bronze level press conference, revealing the Mets General Manager's metal endoskeleton. 

The revelation confirmed what many in the media have been suspecting for some time now, that Omar Minaya is a cost-cutting robot created by the Wilpon's to ensure they remain in control of the team while offering the fans a scapegoat for the team's shortcomings.

But this wasn't always the case.  According to a source inside the Mets front office, the team made the switch shortly after the Oliver Perez contract was signed.  Concerned about the real Minaya's reckless spending, the Wilpon's bought out Minaya's contract on the condition that he return to the Dominican Republic and keep out of the public eye while the Minaya-bot took over his identity here. 

While there is officially no rule in the books regarding replacing your GM with a cyborg, it is generally frowned upon by Major League Baseball.  An official inside the offices of the MLB told us that the league was already watching the Mets closely because they believed the Mets had replaced manager Jerry Manuel with a bunting machine.  As it turned out, Jerry Manuel just really likes bunting.

Minaya -bot is expected to finish out the season as the team's GM.  While the Wilpon/Okon ownership group has made no official statement, it is generally believed that to avoid any further embarrassment the Mets will return to a human GM next season.  A team source however did tell us that the Mets have already begun construction on a John Ricco cyborg just in case.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Francisco Rodriguez Inks Deal With EA Sports To Pitch Upcoming Boxing Game

Frankie Rodriguez knows how to make the best of a bad situation.  Just one day after learning he will be facing new charges for violating a court order, the former Mets closer signed a deal with video game company Electronic Arts to act as a pitchman for their upcoming Fight Night boxing title.

Under the terms of the deal, Rodriguez, who may be preparing for life after baseball, will appear at publicity events and appear as a playable character in the game.

Brian Haynes, gameplay producer for the Fight Night series tells us why EA believes it is a good fit. "Due to an exclusivity agreement currently in place, we can't make any Major League Baseball licensed games.", said Haynes.  "Because of this we have looked into alternative ways of incorporating baseball stars into existing franchises.  K-Rod's right hook is in all the papers right now.  It was a perfect match for the Fight Night series."

For those of you who have been under a rock, K-Rod injured himself in August during a fight with his father-in-law over the Mets Senior Stroll promotion.

Fight Night Champion is expected to arrive on store shelves sometime in 2011.  K-Rod is expected to arrive in a New York courtroom on October 7.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Walk-Off Win Sends The "Fan" Home Happy

Two games under .500 with less than a month to play in the season, it is no secret that the Mets attendance is down.  From giving away tickets to hiring Chinese actors, the team has tried many different things to help the situation.  However, on a night like last night, there is little you can do to put fannies in the seats. Combine the last place Pirates, inclement weather, a 43 minute rain delay and nine innings of scoreless baseball and you have the recipe for an attendance nightmare.

By the time the Mets came up to bat in the bottom of the 10th, the only fan left in the seats was Bruce Jensen of Middle Village, NY.  Fortunately, the Mets were able to send Bruce home happy when Nick Evans singled in the winning run in the 10th.

After the game, Evans spoke about the importance of Jensen's support.  "He was our 10th man tonight.", said Evans.  "It was quiet, so you could hear him cheering and shouting very clearly from the field.  I am just really happy we could pull this one out for Brucie."

Jensen will be back in his seat tonight when R.A. Dickey takes the mound against the Pittsburgh Pirates.  With a better weather forecast and no football to compete against, the Mets are expecting a raucous crowd of at least seven to eight thousand.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Three Mets Players Pay Surprise Visit To Local Vets

In a rather obvious attempt to atone for the PR disaster that was the missed trip to Walter Reed Hospital, the three Mets who skipped that trip spent Monday morning visiting vets in Flushing.  Accompanied by Mets head of PR Jay Horowitz, Carlos Beltran, Luis Castillo, and Oliver Perez paid a surprise visit on Monday to the Flushing Veterinary Hospital and Dog Kennel.

Castillo who admitted that he was uncomfortable around amputees made quickly for the kennel and seemed to make friends with a six year old beagle whose owners were headed upstate to their lakehouse by Lake George. When the veteran secondbaseman was satisfied that this dog and the others in the adjacent cages were totally healthy he was able to relax and have a good, albeit one-way, conversation with the pooch. At one point one of the reporters who was there to document the visit heard Castillo telling his canine friend, "You don't think  I don't have a heart, do you?  No you don't.  You're a good boy."

Meanwhile Beltran, who rescheduled a meeting with his own dog kennel in Puerto Rico to attend,  was getting into the spirit of the visit and went from one cage to another while being escorted by staff veterinarian Dr. Lilah Gibson. Dr. Gibson was touched particularly by Beltran's empathetic visit with Chichi, a dachshund who had been fitted with one of those neck cones. "I can relate to that.", said Beltran.

Beltran also asked whether any of the animals were in need of microfracture surgery and offered to put them it touch with his personal doctor. He was told that none did even though several dogs are hobbled by knee problems which slow them to the point that they can not move like they used to. Once again, Carlos could relate.

Oliver Perez's visit was perhaps the oddest of them all. He inquired at the front desk whether they had a "bullpen" where he could just wait and not be called. He was told that they didn't have one, per se, but there was a waiting room with vending machines and old magazines he could read.
And sure enough Perez trudged over to the waiting room, found the most comfortable looking chair he could find and just sat there for three hours reading tips on how to please your man from a copy of last December's Vogue.  Eventually, Perez dozed off.

When Beltran and Castillo were finished they woke up Ollie, took some photos outside the hospital with a few wounded animals and left.


All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith and Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Mets Team Store Finally Sells Last Oliver Perez Jersey To Mysterious Stranger

Walking around CitiField one readily sees many jerseys worn by Mets stars. The place is awash with David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Johan Santana memorabilia. Even retired Mets get their due as many a Keith Hernandez, Darryl Strawberry, and Doc Gooden jersey can also be spotted.

But as of Thursday afternoon you could almost never spot an Oliver Perez jersey at the Mets' home park.  That may have changed today.

We spoke to Skip Beauworthy one of the assistant managers at the Mets Team Store at CitiField who was just ecstatic that he finally was able to move the last #46 Oliver Perez jersey.

"We had a pool going on among us workers here.", said Beauworthy. "I had September 2nd. Almost hit it right on the head but Vince over there pocketted the $65 while Ira is pissed since he had 'it'll never sell' in the pool and thought he had it locked."

As it turns out, moving Oliver Perez jerseys has been a problem for the Mets for months.  The team first tried to shoot them out of the t-shirt cannons but fans began tossing them back at the party patrol.  They also tried removing the number four and marketing them as Timo Perez throwback jerseys but fans complained about the six being off-center.  Even simply displaying the Ollie jersey was more complicated than you would think. Beauworthy admits that he regularly had to clean spit stains off of it.

"The product never sold but we did have to have it cleaned and ironed several times a week. Just keeping it here was costing us."

For the Mets, it was like trying to sell Mussolini jerseys in Italy in the mid 1940's.  That is until a mysterious stranger walked into the clubhouse shop on Thursday morning. "There was something familiar about him but I couldn't put my finger on it.", says Beauworthy.  "He had one of  those handlebar mustaches on and a t-shirt that said 'Not Oliver Perez' on it."

Skip went on. "He circled that sucker over and over. And then he went to the price tag. You have to understand that we sell most of these jerseys for $99.99. We've been marking this one down every week.. So by the time the man, who told us his name was Juan Smith, bought it we were asking just $35.25 and we threw in an Alex Cora bobblehead doll that was left over from earlier in the season.  It was a net loss but all in all it was worth it just to get rid of it."

The irony of his statement stuck with us.

We asked Skip if that was the toughest item he has had to try and sell. He shrugged and then pointed over to the corner of the store and asked plaintively, "You wouldn't happen to be interested in a Luis Castillo jersey? I can get you a hell of a deal on it."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Larry Smith and Randy Medina.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight

Mets Brass Looking To Hire Chinese Actors For Upcoming Homestand

It's no big secret that attendance is down at Mets games.  With the team languishing below .500 at the start of September, Mets ownership is preparing for the worse.  According to one source within the Mets PR department, the team has reached out to the same group of Chinese actors who so skillfully impersonated North Korean fans at this summer's World Cup in South Africa.

"We have to be honest with ourselves.", says an unnamed Mets executive who we'll simply refer to as Jay H. to protect his anonymity.  "The competitive part of our season is over.  If we don't do something we'll be looking at an empty ballpark in September.  The Phillies are coming to town and we saw a potentially embarrassing situation developing."   So why doesn't the team simply give the tickets away to fans?  "We actually tried that.  Right now most of our fans are not returning our phone calls.  This was just easier."

Chinese actor Jiang Wenli welcomes the opportunity.  "We are excited to broaden our horizons and bring our unique skill to the West.", says Wenli.  "We have already been contacted by the NJ Nets, the NY Islanders and the WNBA."

At least one member of the Mets front office approves of the move.  "I got a chance to see what they can do at the World Cup and I am excited.", says Mets GM Omar Minaya.  "These guys can cheer for you in so many different ways."

Fans hoping to join Jiang Wenli at the ballpark this weekend can purchase tickets from mets.com or 718-507-TIXX.  The Mets ticket office says there are a lot, and we mean A LOT, of good seats still available.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Blame Recent Poor Play On Youth Movent's Gaming Obsession

L-R Niese, Tejada, Davis & Pagan enjoy a round of Buzz trivia.

Odds are that as a Mets fan, you have already switched off the 2010 season and turned your attention to other pursuits.  Well don't feel bad about it because apparently, so have many of the Mets. 

A Mets employee who travels with the team tells the Apple that this new, younger group of players has turned their back on the traditional boozing and skirt-chasing of the previous generation's athletes in favor of video gaming.  The source tells us that when on the road, the younger players lock themselves away in their hotel rooms and take part in marathon sessions of games like Madden 11, MLB The Show, Rock Band and the trivia game Buzz.  While this may seem like a harmless pastime, people around the team are becoming concerned that the players are neglecting sleep, nutrition and basic hygiene.  

"I saw some of these guys in the elevator one morning in Chicago and it was clear they had been on the computer all night.", says Keith Hernandez who refers to playing video games as being "on the computer".  "These guys are not showing up to the park prepared because they are up all night playing Pac-Man.  It's a disgrace.  Whatever happened to just getting loaded, chasing women and passing out on the floor of your hotel room bathroom.  That's what we did in 86 and we won 108 games that season."

Angel Pagan, one of the biggest offenders, sees nothing wrong with it.  "We aren't doing anything illegal and it brings guys together.  I see no problem with it.", says Pagan. "Also, I'm 28 so I have to do whatever I can to present myself as part of the 'youth movement' around here.  I only have maybe one more year to still be considered young."

Some coaches may have seen the light as well.  Jerry Manuel was watching some of the guys play on Friday night and after seeing Luis Castillo go 3-4 with 2 doubles in Sony's MLB The Show, Manuel decided he should start Luis on Saturday.  Castillo went 0-2 and grounded into a double play.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mets Grant Beltran Time Off To Pursue Tennis Career

Carlos Beltran was not in the line up on Friday afternoon when the Mets faced the Cubs at Wrigley Field.  While the Mets have been committed to getting Beltran rest in between starts today's absence was something completely different.  As it turns out, Beltran was not at Wrigley.  Heck, he wasn't even in Chicago.  The Mets center fielder was back in Flushing preparing for a mens doubles match at the U.S. Open. 

Apparently, during his rehab, Beltran spent a lot of time working out with tennis player and avid Mets fan James Blake.  The two got to talking and Blake was able to recruit the outfielder as his doubles partner. 

Of course the move would be pending the approval of the Mets but the team had surprisingly little opposition to the move provided Beltran agree to a couple of terms.  The first condition stated that any injury Beltran sustains would allow the Mets to void his contract.  The second was that the Mets would receive an undisclosed percentage of any prize winnings should the pair finish in the money.

As for Blake, he is thrilled with his new partner.  "I think at this stage in his career, this is the perfect speed for him.", said Blake.  "He doesn't have to cover a lot of ground and he doesn't have to hit the ball hard.  His finesse game is perfect for doubles tennis."

The day turned out to be a successful one for the team of Blake & Beltran, as they defeated the team of  Hidalgo and Marrero of Spain 6-3, 3-6, 7-6.  Beltran had said he would attempt to fly to Chicago to be available to pinch hit but the Mets told him not to worry about it. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Mr. Met Hires Super Agent Scott Boras

You can't keep Scott Boras down for long.  Just hours after news broke that Boras had been dropped by Alex Rodriguez, the super-agent was hard at work locking up another New York star.  Mr. Met held a press conference today to announce that he had signed a deal to be represented by Boras and would be leaving his former agent the San Diego Chicken. 

According to sources close to the Mets mascot, Mr. Met had become disappointed in the lack of exposure his current representation was generating.  Others within the Mets organization feel that there may be other motives.

"He's been hinting that his contract is due for renewal a lot.", says Piti Rivera, who works with Mr. Met on the Pepsi Party Patrol.  "I think he thinks that Boras is going to get him a huge contract like he got for Oliver Perez." 

If those are indeed his motives, sources inside the front office say that he may be chasing rainbows.  "What Mr. Met needs to understand is that while players can change teams and uniforms, he can't.  His is actually attached to him.", says Mets VP Dave Howard.  "That hat doesn't come off.  It's part of his head.  We'll negotiate a fair deal with him but make no mistake, it will be on our terms."

Even if his contract situation doesn't work out, it would seem he is reaping some off-field benefits of Boras representation.  Access Hollywood is reporting that Mr. Met has begun filming a movie with Will Ferrell while TMZ has posted images of Mr. Met and Kate Hudson leaving a NY nightclub and getting into a waiting limo together.  Both Mr. Met and Ms. Hudson have declined to comment.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Frazzled Minaya Calls Up The Wrong "Players"

It appears the day in day out stresses of fighting for his job may have finally gotten to Mets GM Omar Minaya.  On Wednesday, the embattled GM held a gold level press conference to formally introduce the Mets two newest faces to the media.  The press in attendance was expecting to meet newcomer Joaquin Arias and call-up Lucas Duda, but were disappointed and bewildered when Minaya introduced his new players Joaquin Phoenix and Lucas Prata.

Minaya apparently got some bad information which he blamed on his lousy iPhone reception.  "John (Ricco) called me last night and told me what moves we were making.", said Minaya.  "The phone was breaking up pretty bad and I thought the moves sounded strange but at this point I really don't give a crap.  I guess these guys can beat you in a lot of ways or something...whatever."

Fans may remember Lucas Prata for his 2006 smash hit "And we say... (Let's Go Mets)".  The song became an anthem for the 2006 squad and climbed to #1 on the Billboard music chart in the "songs concocted entirely as marketing tools" category.  The song was also apparently a favorite of Jersey Shore "star" Snooki.  Prata told the Apple he originally thought he was being called in to sing the anthem but when the Mets placed a contract in front of him he figured he'd just go along with it.

As for Phoenix, the actor turned rapper turned homeless man clearly had no idea where he was and when asked for his opinion of the situation simply muttered something incoherent and wandered off into an empty conference room.

Despite the blunder, the Wilpon/Okon ownership group is not all that upset.  Ownership feels that adding Phoenix will increase awareness amongst non-baseball fans and the homeless, while Prata will add a guido element missing since the departure of Paul Loduca.  Additionally, the two players will make next to nothing.  Prata signed a league minimum deal that expires at the end of the season while Phoenix has agreed to play for a case of Thunderbird Wine.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.