13 Rejected Ideas For The Mets Amazin' Fan Perks Program

Earlier today, Dave Howard announced that the Mets will be going the extra mile to make season ticket holders feel appreciated.  In addition to ticket discounts, the Mets also announced the Amazin' Mets Perks program that gives season ticket holders the opportunity to enjoy special events, luxury suites and even once in a lifetime experiences like bringing your glove and watching batting practice on the field from the left center field warning track at Citi Field.  The list is so long it got us wondering if there was anything the Mets would not do.  As it turns out, we uncovered this list of rejected Amazin Mets Perks ideas.  Enjoy!

  13) Get walked by Oliver Perez

12) A signed piece of John Maine’s bone spur.

11) Dance Lessons from Jose Reyes plus your very own secret handshake

10) Private VIP line at Shake Shack

9) A golf outing with Johan Santana 

(Female Fans Only)

8) One (1) Complimentary knee surgery by Carlos Beltran’s personal doctor in Arizona 

(Team permission not required)

7) Autographed and Framed strands of Keith Hernandez’s mustache hair from Steiner Sports

6) Watch a game in a luxury suite while you are waited on by Luis Castillo

5) A rotunda named after you.

4) Watch a game from an obstructed view seat with Dave Howard while he defines the term obstructed to you.

3) Access to a special private condiments bar that hasn’t been sneezed on by half of the ballpark.

2) Private bathroom complete with urinal divider and flushing urinal.

1) A personalized text message from Frankie Rodriguez…and then 55 more personalized text messages from Frankie Rodriguez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Ballot Glitch Pushes Mets SS Reyes To Victory In NY Gubernatorial Election

New Yorkers were shocked on Monday morning to learn that Mets shortstop Jose Reyes has been elected Governor of New York State.  According to News 12, Reyes narrowly defeated Democrat Andrew Cuomo and Republican Carl Paladino to win the election despite the lack of a nomination.

So how did a Dominican baseball player rise to political power?  Experts are blaming major voting errors caused by New York’s new and overly complicated voting system.  Apparently, many voting sites received old 2010 All-Star game ballots instead of the proper ballot.  As a result, millions of New Yorkers mistakenly cast votes for ballplayers instead of politicians.  In a similar mishap, Chone Figgins is now NY State Comptroller.

While an investigation has been launched, many voters don’t seem to bothered by the prospect of Governor Reyes.  “I mean can he really be any worse than the last two guys?” said Jonathan Carey of Long Island City.  “Maybe he can liven up Albany with his dance moves.”

Reyes was at his home in Manhasset when he heard the news.  While he was surprised and doesn’t expect the results to hold up, Reyes was quick to appoint former Mets first base coach Razor Shines as his Lieutenant Governor.   

The Mets have announced that there will be an inauguration reception and pig roast at Citi Field in January following Jose’s swearing in.  Tickets are available for $200 each at mets.com. 

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.

Link: SNY Won't Conifrm Or Deny Jets Shutout Loss

Apple contributor Larry Smith penned this humorous piece on the Jets for our friends over at Sports Police.  Go check it out now. Link

CAPTION CONTEST UPDATE: 10 Finalists Revealed

OK, I've gone through the awesome captions you guys provided and I've narrowed it down to these 10 finalists.  From this list I will choose the 3 winners.  If your caption is one of the ten finalists please email me at readtheapple@gmail.com so I can can have your email contact info to notify you if you are one of the three winners.  I NEED TO HAVE YOUR EMAIL to notify you or you will not be able to win.  The top 3 will be announced at the the end of the week.  If you didn't make the list this time don't worry, there will be more contests in the near future.   

The finalists in no particular order are:

parrot said...

Sadly, that's the best the mets have looked all year......

Andrew said...

The Mets show off the new suits they won from the recent Men's Wearhouse "Inexplicably Blow 10 Winnable Games in a Month and Win a Free Suit" promotion.

Steven said...

"5 members of the New York Mets attend the funeral for Oliver Perez's baseball career."

altosax29b said...

"Met's Wearhouse, You're going to hate the way we play, I guarantee it"

Lauren said...

"Guys, when we said we were thinking of wooing Bobby V., this is not what we had in mind."

ryan said...

Last Night the New York Mets supposedly took to the field in suits. Since nobody was watching,we can neither confirm or deny this!

Srabanti Munshi said...

What should we do?
Should we admit that our team is hopeless?
Should we try to act like we actually care?
Should we stop working late night bachelorette parties?
What should we do?
Should we stop playing cards and start working out?
Should we be who You Want Us to Be?
What should we do?
Should we just shut up and play?
Or should we just go back to stripping?
What should we do?

JUST FIX IT

Sloatsburg Guy said...

"Excuse me your honor, we are here to testify on behalf of Francisco Rodriguez."

ARR said...

Professor Reyes has begun instituting a strict dress code.

Jval3 said...

Niese: Does this suit make my nose look big?