For Mr. Met, Memorial Day A Time For Quiet Reflection

Memorial day is a day to honor the service and sacrifices that so many have made for our great country.  No one knows this better than Mr. Met.  It is a little known fact that Mr. Met served in an elite and groundbreaking Human/Mascot division during the Vietnam war.

The people living under styrofoam heads or P.L.U.S.H. Unit was originally established by the U.S. Army with hopes of proving that Mascot Americans could fight side by side with Human Americans.  As it turns out, they couldn't. You see mascots don't talk, which makes it impossible for them to give orders.  Also their huge heads make an easy target on the battlefield.  Despite the fact that the unit lasted only two weeks, bonds were formed that have lasted through the decades. 

On Sunday night, Mr. Met got together with Bernie Brewer for a quiet meal at a Milwaukee restaurant.  The Apple was invited.  Speaking through an interpreter who can translate mascot gestures, Mr. Met and Bernie Brewer fondly recalled their time in the service.

Not all the memories were fond however as the two recalled the mascots who didn't make it back.  Mascots like Dandy who was slated to become the Yankees mascot until he was killed in a tragic training accident involving a prototype t-shirt cannon.  The Yankees would later reveal a new "Dandy" in the 1980's but would quickly scrap the idea out of respect for the memory of the original Dandy.

We left that dinner on Sunday with a new found appreciation for Mr. Met, Bernie Brewer and that little known Army unit from the late 1960's, but mostly we found it amazing that anyone could make sense out of these two mascots crazy gestures.

Happy Memorial Day.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Memorial Day however is very real.  For more information and ideas on how to observe the holiday, please visit http://www.usmemorialday.org

Breaking News: Science Confirms Mike Francesa Is In Fact The World's Biggest Douche

Douchebaggery has always been a tricky and inexact science.  There have been conflicting theories on how to even measure the trait.  For many years the Federline/Pratt method was the preferred method though in recent years the Jersey Shore method has garnered favor in the scientific community.  However today scientists it M.I.D. (The Massachusetts Institute of Douchebaggery) have discovered a new formula that will be able to calculate douchiness to within 99.98% accuracy.  They call it the Francesa method.

Rachel Paige of M.I.D. explains, "We struggled for so many years because we couldn't find specimen zero.  We needed the gold standard.  A specimen of pure unadulterated D-baggery.  We were about to give up when one of the research assistants turned on the YES network.  We knew instantly that the search was over."

According to Paige, Francesa presents the perfect storm of ego, fear, pride, disdain and ignorance all wrapped up in the body of Godfather Brando with the voice of On The Waterfront Brando.  The institute plans to honor him but when they informed him of their find he just did that sort of passive aggressive thing where he totally sucks up the compliment while making it sound as if he doesn't really care.  Then he hung up on them.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Though we wish this one were true. And now I would like to break character for a moment:

Mr. Francesa,  

A shot at one blogger is a shot at all bloggers and our art form.  While we may not have your pulpit and your influence it does not mean we do not have the right to enjoy sports the way we want to.  For years you have tried to suck the joy out of NY sports with your holier than thou attitude and we no longer have to be a slave to it.  Fans have options now and that scares you.  Don't be scared Mikey.  We don't bite.  Well not all of us anyway. 

Sincerely, 
Randy "The Apple" Medina

Sorry for the lecture but it was on my mind.  We will return to absolute nonsense on Monday.  Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and thank you all for your support.

Phillies Run Scoring Celebration Put On Hold After 3rd Consecutive Shutout

The champagne was on ice and the t-shirts were printed.  Unfortunately someone forgot to tell the Phillies.  As a morale booster for the team, the Phillies front office decided to plan a raucous post game celebration in honor of the teams first run since Jackie Robinson day in April.  Sadly that run never came.

The Phillies will now have to pack up the shirts, emblazoned with the words "We Scored" on the front and the team logo on the back, and have them shipped to Florida with the hopes that their fortunes improve at Tampax Pearl Stadium this weekend against Los Marlins.

Regardless of what happens on the remainder of their road trip, Phillies management is already discussing moving in the fences at Citizens Bank Park some more.  Apparently the team became so enamored with the dimensions at Mr. Met's Kiddie Field that they hope to reconfigure their home park to play even more like it than it already does.  There has been no confirmation yet if they will include a tee as well.

As for the Mets, they were celebrating with their own shirts courtesy of Mets Broadcaster Gary Cohen.  Cohen, apparently was so confident in the Mets pitching staff that he had the shirts printed up yesterday by local t-shirt company,  The 7 Line. 

Darren Meenan of The 7 Line recalls the encounter, "This guy comes into the shop all fired up and says he wants this many shirts and he wants them to say Goose Egg Sweep.  We asked him what the hell a goose egg sweep was and he told us that by the time the night was over we would know.  His only concern seemed to be that the game end before midnight so the date would be right."

 All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. For some really cool and unique Mets T-Shirts, visit www.the7line.com

Oliver Perez Arrested In Sign Stealing Scandal

When the Mets go for the sweep tonight against the Phillies, they will do so without the "services" of Oliver Perez.  Last night following the Mets 5-0 victory over the Phils, Perez was approached in the clubhouse by two uniformed NYPD officers.  He was arrested and led out of Citi Field in handcuffs.   The charge? Petty theft and vandalism.

So what happened?  Apparently the Mets, upset with Charlie Manuel's recent accusations of sign-stealing, decided to see if they could actually steal the Phillies signs.  Oliver Perez was given the job.  It seems Ollie took the job very seriously even if he didn't quite fully understand it.  Perez went out to Willets Point and downtown Flushing and proceeded to steal every sign he could find.

"They wanted Phillies signs.", Perez told The Apple. "I didn't see no Phillies signs but I found One Way and No Right On Red and Railroad Crossing so I took those."


Perez was released on $100,000 bail which he apparently paid with some pocket change he had wedged in the cushions of his car seats.

Howard Johnson, the alleged ring leader of the plan to steal the Phils signs, told us he had a feeling that the whole thing was going wrong from the start.

"I got on the bullpen phone and asked Ollie what the sign was.  He said 'Yield'!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story.