Pascucci Becomes Latest NY "Athlete" To Boycott Mike Francesa

So far during the offseason the only stories we've all had to write about are the ones saying that Jose will probably sign elsewhere and that the outfield walls were getting lower and shallower.  Big whoop.

Then a Mets player, of sorts, stepped up to the plate and gave us something to write about: Val Pascucci.  Now, truth be told, this minor league journeyman is so obscure that I don't think I could distinguish him from Amerigo Vespucci but it's been quiet around here lately so when the big "slugger" called a press conference the Mets beat writers had no reason not to attend.

Mets Announce New 1-Game Flex Packs

Subscribers to the Mets "Flushing Flash" email newsletter will wake up this morning to find the Mets latest marketing attempt in their inboxes.  As reported earlier on The Apple and confirmed yesterday on WFAN's Mike'd Up program, the ad features the face of all Mets advertising, Oliver Perez.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple

Mike Francesa & The Ad That Is Apparently Causing All The Trouble

I'm trying to piece this together but it seems someone called Mike Francesa today and was talking about how a ticket promo he got had Ollie Perez on it. Mike was stunned. 

According to David Brody, "He said it was on your site if he didn't believe it and that usually your site is all funny fake stories but that this was real."  

Too funny.  If I have to explain the truth about this ad to anyone than they obviously don't know what I do.  I think the guy was probably trying to pull a fast one and get Mike worked up.

We Now Go Live To Mike Francesa From Heinz Field Where The Jets Trail By 21 At The Half

Hat tip to @thehappyrecap for the inspiration.

Back From The Fringe: The Apple Spends New Years In An Alternate Dimension

I've never seen the show but those of you who watch FRINGE on Fox know that one of the story arcs involves a parallel universe with people occasionally passing over to it and returning. While I assumed that this was just sci-fi stuff , we decided to see if our intrepid reporter Larry Smith could go over and tell us about the state of baseball in that other universe. Incrediby, he did it and just got back. Here's his report:

I guess it should be to no one's surprise that we are definitely in the wrong universe to be Mets fans. On the other side the Mets, playing in their gorgeous new ballpark, Hodges Field, are a perennial powerhouse and make it to the playoffs almost every year. They sell out the place regularly and have a money stream that allows them to buy any free agents they want.  And they do all this while sporting epic parallel dimension goatees.

The team missed out on the 2010 World Series being defeated by their arch-rival the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Buccos, led by 3-time MVP Ronnie Cedeno (.347-22-110) and Gold Glove centerfielder Lastings Milledge were just too much for the Mets to keep up with in the NL championship series.

The Mets got another great year from Luis Castillo (.333-6-87-65 sb) and closer Bobby Parnell. Parnell still fools people. For a guy who can't get his fastball over 85 mph he just keeps racking up the K's with his offspeed stuff and pinpoint control. The starters were fronted by 19 game winner Oliver Perez. If he could ever figure out how to get lefties out he'd be just unstoppable.

It's not going well over in the Bronx however where their new ballpark, Bob's Discount Furniture Stadium, has cavernously deep fences and attendance is poor. The team hasn't made the playoffs in a decade and is in such a financial bind that the Steinbrenners (foolishly investing with Bernie Madoff) had to sell the team to .....James Dolan. So there is no end in sight for their misery.  If that wasn't enough, I really knew I was in a different universe when I head "lifelong Mets fan" Mike Francesa trashing the Bombers all afternoon on WFAN.

Finally before returning I tried to stop in to meet with media mogul Randy Medina. His office is on one of the top four floors of the Read-the-Apple State Building in midtown which THE APPLE ENTERPRISES INC rents out.  His phalanx of secretaries and junior executives successfully prevented me from getting in to see him. They did suggest however that perhaps I should go to talk to that newcomer Matt Cerrone over at that upstart and rarely visited website, Metsblog.com.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Today's story by Randy Medina & Larry Smith.  You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight 

Breaking News: Science Confirms Mike Francesa Is In Fact The World's Biggest Douche

Douchebaggery has always been a tricky and inexact science.  There have been conflicting theories on how to even measure the trait.  For many years the Federline/Pratt method was the preferred method though in recent years the Jersey Shore method has garnered favor in the scientific community.  However today scientists it M.I.D. (The Massachusetts Institute of Douchebaggery) have discovered a new formula that will be able to calculate douchiness to within 99.98% accuracy.  They call it the Francesa method.

Rachel Paige of M.I.D. explains, "We struggled for so many years because we couldn't find specimen zero.  We needed the gold standard.  A specimen of pure unadulterated D-baggery.  We were about to give up when one of the research assistants turned on the YES network.  We knew instantly that the search was over."

According to Paige, Francesa presents the perfect storm of ego, fear, pride, disdain and ignorance all wrapped up in the body of Godfather Brando with the voice of On The Waterfront Brando.  The institute plans to honor him but when they informed him of their find he just did that sort of passive aggressive thing where he totally sucks up the compliment while making it sound as if he doesn't really care.  Then he hung up on them.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. Though we wish this one were true. And now I would like to break character for a moment:

Mr. Francesa,  

A shot at one blogger is a shot at all bloggers and our art form.  While we may not have your pulpit and your influence it does not mean we do not have the right to enjoy sports the way we want to.  For years you have tried to suck the joy out of NY sports with your holier than thou attitude and we no longer have to be a slave to it.  Fans have options now and that scares you.  Don't be scared Mikey.  We don't bite.  Well not all of us anyway. 

Sincerely, 
Randy "The Apple" Medina

Sorry for the lecture but it was on my mind.  We will return to absolute nonsense on Monday.  Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and thank you all for your support.