Friday, May 25, 2012

Mets Brain-trust Holds Meeting About Ike, Also Enjoys The Free WiFi At Panera

On Thursday morning Mets GM Sandy Alderson called a meeting of his braintrust.  Attending were Jeff Wilpon, J.P. Ricciardi, Paul DePodesta, manager Terry Collins, and, of course, team mascot Mr. Met.  The meeting was held at a local Panera Bread because of the free WiFi and also J.P. really likes the mac and cheese there.

The Apple was allowed to sit in so here is a transcript of the meeting:

SA: Glad you could all make it.  I think you know what we need to talk about.  We've got to make a decision about Ike Davis.  In a nutshell - the guy is not hitting a lick.  We all know Ike is a good guy, a fine fielder, and popular with his teammates.  But it's gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I prefer to see him at the plate or Mike Nickeas.  And when that's the situation then tough decisions have to be made. Let's hear first from our numbers guy,  "Peter Brand."

PD:  Damn it, Sandy.  I've asked you not to call me that but it's always DIG, DIG, DIG with you isn't it?
Anyway boss,  you know I projected Ike before the season to give us an OPS of about 850 with 20 to 25 HRs.  We're a quarter way through the season and he's hitting like .160 with an OPS barely over 500.  If he starts hitting "like he should" right now he probably can reach 20 homers and maybe an OPS of 750 or so.

SA: But will he start hitting like he should right now?

PD:  How the hell should I know?

SA: Great.  Big help.   Who's next?  What do you have for me J.P.?

JR:  Sandy, my concern is who will play first if we make the move and send Ike down.  As I see it we could bring Duda in from rightfield where he is atrocious or we can slide Murph over.  If it's Duda then we can fill the vacant outfield slot with Bay when he comes off the DL.

SA:  Something I have decidedly mixed feelings about.

JR: As I was saying.  If it's Murph then we can finesse second base with Cedeno, Turner, or even Valdespin.  While none of this looks good, none of it looks as bad as Ike flailing away clueless at the plate.

SA: Can't disagree with you there.   Terry, you got anything on the subject?

TC: Hey, you guys know I love my guys and Ike's one of my favorites.  But he's killing us out there.  Every few days he'll catch a foul ball that no one else would get to but that aint going to put runs up on the scoreboard.  So if you all decide to make the move then I'll make it happen with someone at firstbase.

SA:  Jeff?  Oh for Pete's sake, will you get your head out of the Daily News and tell us what you're thinking.

JW:  It says right here the Yankees might sell for about $3 BILLION!!  What do you think Dad, Saul, and I could get for our team?

SA:  Come on Jeff.   That's not what this meeting is about.  What should we do with Ike?

JW: You're the baseball geniusses.  You decide and if it's not going to cost the team more money then I'm for it.

SA: Alright.  Let's put it to a vote.  And I don't want anyone influencing anyone else so write down on this 3x5 card what you think we should do and I'll tally the votes.  (Hands each a card.  Scribbling can be heard on the tape.)

SA:  OK.  Here's a vote to keep Ike here.  And now here's one to send him down and that's another one in favor of  a demotion.  And here's one I can't read at all.  Who writes like this?   This handwriting is terrible....

(Mr. Met stands shrugs and dejectedly leaves)

SA:  He's so damn touchy.   Anyway the consensus is to send him to Buffalo.  Let's give him just a couple of more games.  Statistics show that Buffalo is 12% less depressing in June.  Also, if anyone in the media asks our story is that we have no intention of sending him down.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Story by Larry Smith. You can follow Larry Smith on twitter @dr4sight   

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