Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mets Step Up Field Level Security During Half-Price Ticket Promotion

"May I see your ticket stub? You have 15 seconds to comply"
It's no secret in NY that the Mets are having a hard time drawing fans to Citi Field this season.  Despite a scrappy team of young players, fans are staying away from the ballpark in Flushing.  In hopes of coaxing more people to the ballpark the team has been offering half-priced tickets for this week's games.  Unfortunately, this kind of promotion can also have a negative effect on your season ticket holder base.  However, the Mets say they were prepared for that this time.  This is where USH-209 comes in.

"Season ticket holders are the key to our success.", says Mets VP Dave Howard. "We can't have someone who bought a 5 dollar ticket sneaking into the good seats and bothering them.  We needed to make sure that no one got through.  We needed a level of usherism that no human could provide.  Allow me to introduce you to Unauthorized Seat Handler - 209 or USH-209 for short.  An usher with the firepower to back up his threats, and the reflexes to use it.  USH-209 is going to be THE hot stadium security product for the next decade."

When asked whether a machine gun toting robot enforcer was safe to use in a baseball stadium, Howard replied, "It's perfectly safe.  We've even arranged a demonstration.  Mr. Burkhardt here will simulate a fan trying to sneak into the field level with promenade seats.  USH-209 will calmly ask him to leave."

The Apple would like to wish Kevin Burkhardt a speedy recovery. Our thoughts and prayers are with you Kevin.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

No comments:

Post a Comment

This Month's Most Popular

All Time Most Popular