Tuesday, August 23, 2011

East Coast Rocked When Angel Pagan's Violent Hotel Room Bowel Movement Causes Earthquake

Details are still coming in to The Apple's news desk but apparently at about 1:55PM today Mets outfielder Angel Pagan disappeared into his hotel bathroom. Moments later the city of Philadelphia was hit by a major quake that was felt as far south as North Carolina and as far north as New York City.  Though many early reports said the quake originated in Virginia it is now being confirmed that the epicenter was indeed Angel Pagan's bathroom. 

Pagan has released a brief statement which simply says, "Sorry about that, America. I felt a rumble in my stomach...and I guess you did too."

So far there have been no major injuries though the government is urging citizens to light a match or two just as a precaution.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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